still listening...

So this quest of being a better listening is killing me!! :) Not literally, but I am definitely being challenged, prodded, changed. I believe that on December 31st, I'll look back in amazement and thanksgiving; but almost halfway through the year, I'm a little bewildered. I'm continuing to have things come to light that, if I'm completely honest with myself and others, I've been pushing into dark corners and pretending they don't exist. I guess I could say that I'm getting a soul cleansing of sorts. It's a little rough.
Many things are going on, and sometimes at night in the dark, I lay in bed and wonder how everything is connected. What am I needing to listen to in regards to possible changes at work? What do I need to hear about where we are with our out-of-debt journey and what I need to do? How do I need to listen more effectively to my children? How am I doing in really hearing what Malcolm is saying? What will this crazy trip to China make me hear - about myself, about my family, about my friends, about people, about God in the world, on and on..? Most importantly, AM I HEARING WHAT I NEED TO HEAR? And am I listening to the right voices? Does that make my a little schizo?? tee hee

Whining..

Don't bother with reading this - I just need to vomit a little.

I'm so down right now. There's so many details I'm not going to go into, because I really don't care if anyone reads this... I just need to get some off my chest. I feel like I'm imploding. This whole listening thing is taking me some places that I don't want to hear about myself. It's also dangerous territory, because the enemy of my soul is attacking my mind.
whine
Right now I'm very low on myself - feelings of failure, of not being who and where I want to be. I feel like I'm failing at work, or am below the standard I want for myself. I have some tough discipline problems this year and have been recently told I could have handled it all better. Yeah, I could have ( I will readily admit to my fault in this, with my anger issues and all...), but I'm also not these children's parent.... Not going to go any farther on that subject...
whine
whine
I could be a better mother. Some days I'm so tired of dealing with other people's kids that I have to really work hard at coming home and listening to all that my own children want to tell me. These are two precious precious little human beings that are growing so fast and learning so much. I should be more attentive and thankful for them.
whine
whine
whine
I could definitely be a better wife and cheerleader. I don't consistently take care of things at home so that my wonderful hard-working husband doesn't have to. I don't think I listen to him enough or attentively enough.
whine
whine
whine
I'm not that great of a friend. I had to apologize very recently for carrying teasing too far just because it was getting some laughs from others. Feel like I'm in high school again. How stupid. And I don't keep up with my friends like I wish I did. It's not that I don't care or am interested, I just... I don't even know. And that's a problem in itself.
whine
whine
whine
I'm not doing things at Grace Point like I feel I should be. I know the help that we need, and some of my 'talents' could help fill in gaps, but I just don't know how to do some things and/or can't seem to do it to the level that's needed, or whatever. So I don't feel like much help and how great is that when I'm the planter's wife? Where is my part in it all??
whine
whine
whine
Today has been one of the lowest days in a while, but I've been a downhill slope for several weeks. Some stuff I've bottled up, and I guess it just festered, until a huge slap of humility at work just tore a hole in my facade. Pride does come before a fall I guess.
I'm just praying that through so much brokenness, my Father can make something beautiful from these ashes.

Why we're apathetic about the "lost"

(This was actually written by my husband who thought he had HIS site opened up....)

The church faces an overwhelming apathy with regards to those who are far from God, those we call "lost". We tend to see them as a man who’s lost driving, too belligerent to stop and ask for directions. Instead we should see them as a lost child in a supermarket, desperately needing to be found. The difference is the level of initiative we take in resolving the issue.

listen

On my drive to school each morning, I usually listen to KLOVE. This last month they've been talking about picking one word instead of making new year's resolutions. This one word should reflect what it is one is wanting out of one's life this year. The first few times I heard about it, I thought it was a neat idea, but didn't make it real personal. A couple of weeks ago, I decided to think about what my one word would be if I was to pick what I'm wanting for my life this year. So I began thinking about it and praying about it. Wanna know what word I chose? Look at the title of my blog...

According to my iPhone dictionary, the word listen means to "pay close attention to; hear with INTENTION". This nails what I want out of my life on the head. I need to be a better listener - to my husband, to my children, to my friends and family, to people I have no relationship with, to people I'm forming relationship with, to my students, and most importantly, to my Creator Father. I don't just sit and listen to Him often enough. I am usually speaking or thinking or dreaming or falling asleep. Some would call it 'rabbit trails'. And I find myself telling Him what I'd like for Him to do for me, or what I'd like for Him to do for others, or how I think things should be going or what should be taking place. Then there's the question of "How do I listen to Someone I can't always hear?" So the definition of "pay close attention to" cuts to the quick.
I also want to listen for good reasons. Listen 'between the lines'. Listen for others' true selves. Listen to hear what people are really trying to say. Listen to gentle proddings of the Spirit of what I need to do for Him or others, what He'd like me to do, how He thinks things should be going and how I can be involved in that. I want to 'hear with intention'.
I told Malcolm the other evening that sometimes I wish I hadn't said that I'd like to learn something from God or would like Him to teach us something. This was in jest, but there's a part of me that means it! Once I accept the challenge to listen to what He's placed on my heart to learn, it seems that I can't get away from it. Almost every song speaks to the lesson, conversations are had where the topic is brought up, a book or magazine is picked up where I read about it, and on and on it goes. And yet, people say God just created the Earth, put it on a spin, and stepped away?? REALLY?? 'Cause when I choose to listen to what He's wanting me to hear, He orchestrates most everything around me to form a brilliant object lesson.

So what's the lastest thing I've listened to? I've decided to take a huge step of faith and go to China at the end of this summer!! Wow!! I'll be teaching English for 3 weeks. There's more info, but the basic jist is that I'll be gone for THREE WEEKS!! Aaaaaa!! This terrifies me, along with all sorts of other paranoid thoughts. But everytime I've heard about this trip, there's a stirring in my soul. I get excited thinking about going, but then fear crowds it out. Just recently I finally realized that I must go. There's a reason. I'm listening.

What other things should I be listening to and for this year? I'm looking forward to seeing what is going to come out of this listening stuff. So I'll just wait and ... listen.

Between dreaming and coming true

I knew it had been a long time since I had blogged, but almost 11 months?? Goodness! Well, at least hardly anyone reads this, so no one really missed me. :)
I'm sitting at home today because Caitlyn's been ill since early Monday morning, throwing up and low grade fever - I now think it's the stomach flu. Malcolm was able to stay with her Monday and Tuesday, so I got things ready in my classroom yesterday so I could stay with her today. Malcolm is a terrific Dad, but not the greatest nurse as he has readily admitted. Caitlyn, on the other hand, is a wonderful patient. She's so 'strong' when she's sick, and just does what needs to be done. I'm going to be reminding her of that the next time she freaks out about a splinter. I've decided then that I will use today as 'catch up' day: catching up Caitlyn's strength, and catching up things I've been wanting to do like reading, networking, and blogging. Plus I guess I'll do some cleaning and school work as well.... blah. At least I've brushed my hair and teeth and even am now sitting with a clay mask on my face. Ah, the luxuries of staying at home... But, alas, I shall not dwell on that for now. Most likely tomorrow I will be heading back to school to my 3rd graders. The classroom is where I'm suppose to be during the day for this part of my journey. I'll truthfully admit that I would really like to be at home and be able to help out in my children's classrooms, go eat lunch with them, do things for other ladies during the day, etc., but for whatever reason, I'm needed exactly where I'm at. For what purpose, only God knows. And so I must focus on that instead of any 'too bad I can'ts'.... There may be a day when I can do all that stuff I want to do for my kids (although I'll probably never be able to do everything I want to do for them) - I just have to wait and see.
Yes, I now teach 3rd grade. 6th grade was... just not for me, I guess. I would love to tutor 6th grade, but teaching a whole class had its challenges. God just designs us a certain way, and I'm comfortable with the fact that I enjoy teaching the primary grades more. Teaching 6th grade for 2 years showed me that. I met some awesome kids and enjoyed teaching that Math, but it's hard for me to get past the attitude and apparent apathy. I admire the teachers that can deal with that year after year. I also didn't like the teacher I was some days when I had just had it, and so I just felt it was time for me to change grades. So far, I'm not as exhausted as I was, and I don't feel like I'm cheating my own family of the best me at the end of the day. So that's that.
Then there's the whole Grace Point 'thing'. I really do love that we're trying to do ministry the way we've dreamed of doing it. But is it everything we've wanted to do? Certainly not. Don't get me wrong, there are some great things that have happened and are happening. Yet, our timing and God's timing are two different things. I'm confidant He knows why and it's the best way. But for my worried, impatient mind, I'm really wondering what He's up to. And why can't He just do it my way. Or at least let me know how, when, what, etc. I'm trying to trust, I really am (who exactly am I trying to convince here...). So now I find myself in the position, uh, opportunity to help out with 'leading' music. I absolutely would rather just be in the team. I'm having to approach this differently in mindset. I don't want to be the 'leader', but definitely a team builder/player. I don't understand why we can't seem to have someone come be a part of GP who catches our mission and is musically talented and knows how to build a vocal/instrumental team all at the same time. I'm only 2 out of 3 and feel like I'm missing the latter and most important piece. So my fears and feelings of failure all come out to play together in my soul each time I think about this. God, help me. It's all about You anyway. Then there's the whole finance thing. This is the touchy, tricky thing to talk about. We've never been in ministry for the money. To think that is absurd, although we've had contact with some who believe that. Anyway, that being said, it is also a job. A paying job. And yet that's dependent on the people who come and their giving. Let's just say we've had a few months here lately where we're thankful that I'm working full time. Maybe we needed to remember that everything we have comes from Him. He is faithful, too - we haven't missed a bill or anything like that, but we haven't been able to meet some personal goals we were working on. We have dreams of being out of debt (short-term: except the mortgage; long-term: having no mortgage), so that we can tell our money where to go. There are many things we want to do with money, some personal & lots for others. I thought we were seeing the light at the end of the tunnel, but now... I never wanted to be in the position again where I HAD to work, but now that's what's saving us. I know that within just a few months we'll be seeing a change, but yet again, it's the waiting. The in-between.
There's also the ever-present health issues. I don't like talking much about it as if every day is horrible, but when I'm real about it, I am tired most days, don't sleep all that well, and have aches and pains almost every day. Stomach problems have also been a commonplace on and off occurrence for me. It's recently come to my attention that gluten may be a serious problem for me and other members of my family. Which I find funny (?) seeing as how the last couple of years I've gone on a whole grain kick. I was possibly hurting myself way more than helping. So my sister and I have done a lot of research, I have a friend at school that I'm talking with, and as of Monday, I'm trying to cut out all gluten from my diet. This will not be the easiest thing, but if it helps, it will be a Godsend. This is a experiment for me right now, and if it helps, I'd eventually like to be tested for Celiac Disease. I've gone back and forth about starting the diet or waiting until a diagnosis, but for financial reasons I have to wait on labwork. So I finally figured (with encouragement from my hubby) to just try and see. If I want a diagnosis later, I'll have to go off the diet for about 4 weeks and then get tested. But I'm willing to try if it means better health. So, again, I'll have to wait and see.
I'm not the best wait-er. Thank you, daddy; I don't have much patience. I also detest undone situations. Especially if I'm unsure of the outcome. Just a few weeks after my last blog, I felt like I was drowning in undone situations. We were trying to get the house sold (it didn't sell until April), we were getting close to moving into our new house (the ending of that was almost a nightmare), I was having some tough stuff at school, and other personal things were taking place that were 'unanswered'. I'm just not shining at those types of moments. Once spring was here, several things were settled. Yet only to have more undoneness occur just a few months later. Life, and life abundantly.
Are we being tested? Are we being refined? All I know for sure is that it WILL pass. Now, it may pass on to yet another undone situation, but I can get through this. I don't believe that there's a point in life's journey that everything is wonderful. That just isn't our fallen world. But thank God that I can enjoy the journey with all of its ups and downs. I can hold on to these hopes and dreams, no matter where I am on their path to coming true. Last week Malcolm and I had several deep conversations where I vomitted out my swirling thoughts and feelings and he helped me sort it out and/or just let me talk. (You really are getting so much better at that, babe.) I finally felt a 'let up' Friday morning as I was getting ready to leave the house. On a whim, I had grabbed some CDs to put in the car to listen to when I got tired of the radio. I put in a Bebo Norman CD I hadn't listened to in awhile, and actually hadn't listened to much to begin with. The album's title is Between the Dreaming and the Coming True, which is basically the theme of most of my underlying frustrations of late. We work and work and work at things because we know that they are a means to an 'end', and yet the toil becomes tiresome. I needed encouragement. I was feeling like I was coming out of it that morning, and then the first song made me know that my Father has been listening to all my vomitting and wanted me to know. Thanks, Bebo Norman, for the insight. The rest of the album is speaking to me as well. It's pretty amazing how God puts just the right things into our paths when we need them. And uses ordinary people to do extraordinary things. So this morning I'm thankful. I'm thankful for so many things, but I want to point out that undescribable peace; that confidence in Someone knowing how, why, when, what; the ability to hold on while I'm between the dreams and their fulfillment.

Into the Day, by Bebo Norman & Jason Ingram

You could turn a hundred years and never empty all your fears
They're pouring out like broken words and broken bones
They could fill a thousand pages, be the cry for all the ages
And the song for every soul who stands alone
The ache of life is more than you are able

Hold on love, don't give up
Don't close your eyes
The light is breaking through the night
Step out into the day, all the clouds and all the rain are gone
It's over now
Step out into the sun, for you have only begun to know
What it's all about
As the hungering dark gives way to the dawn, my love
It's over now

Time will let the story told grow and grow 'til it unfolds
In a way that even you cannot ignore
You can say the seasons change but never if you just remain
In a place where the freeze is at your door
What you don't know is the signs are right for the turning tide
Hold on, hold on
It won't be long
So hold on

Soap Box for the Church Planter's Wife

So, this isn't going to be some gossipy blog. Nor will it be rosy. So if you really aren't interested, please stop reading now.. This blog is more of a personal nature, allowing me to vent a little in order to get it out, put my big girl panties on, and get over it. Sometimes you just need that every now and again, and I'd rather not vomit on anyone verbally, so I'll type it out. :) Once again, feel free to do something else with your online time....

Still there??? This is your last chance to back out...

My life is a little crazy right now, and even as I say that I think that that's stupid. Things could be so much worse. But sometimes it just seems like everything's a little off, and there are little things that add together to just make you feel.... blah, irritable, frustrated, yada yada yada.

I cannot seem to completely get rid of this cold. I'm not sure if we had the flu or not, but this lingering snot/cough has stuck around long enough. I'm sick of it. Ready to be able to breathe fully. So that is something that plays into this... yuck-ness.

Then, the kids just seem to be at each other lately. Of course, right now, they're playing wonderfully in Drew's room. But I'm sure that at any time, there shall be screaming. Lately they do things just to make each other mad. I know that's perfectly normal, but it's irritating. And Andrew has been throwing these fits that come out of nowhere, just when we thought he was over that. I really just want to ask him why in the world he thinks screaming and crying will help his plight when we've never, I repeat NEVER, given in and let him have what he wants when he acts like that??? Does he think he's got a new set of parents who LIKE that kind of nonsense??? I just don't get it why after 50,000 times of whining he thinks MAYBE THIS time, they'll give in. It's just crazy to me. And frustrating. And right when we're trying to really give him choices and not just scream and act like 3 year olds ourselves. He really tries me. And I think he knows it. So that is also something that plays into this... yuck-ness.

We're also in the midst, nearing the end of building the new house. While this is extremely exciting and a dream-come-ture, it's also kinda stressful. Not so much the new house end, but selling the old house. I've packed up most of my personal pictures and decorations, keeping the feel of the house very neutral (thank you, HGTV). And I decided not to get out my cherished fall decor for the same reasons. Trying to keep the house basically clean - enough where we can pick up at a moment's notice - is getting old, and can be rather hard with two kids who love to play anywhere around the house. We've also had lots of traffic, which is a good thing, but no offer. Oh, I take that back. We had an idiot (sorry) give us an offer for about $26K less than our asking price. I guess that just doesn't count in my book. We've been told that there is a couple who says that want our house, but had to wait until the end of the month to make an offer. Well, it's November 1st....... I'm so impatient, and just want the debt paid off and money in the bank. I want to be packing up the rest of the decor and things we don't need for day-to-day life. I want to be getting things ready to move. I want to have a huge yard sale. I'm ready to be done with this house!!! So, this is also a huge part of this... yuck-ness.

And of course today is Sunday. I love Sundays, generally. But I'm at a point right now that is ... questionable. Grace Point has been an incredible experience. Church planting is not for sissies, though, let me tell ya. There's so much I can say here, that I'm afraid I won't make much sense, but as this blog is more for me to vent than for anyone to understand, I guess it doesn't matter. We are technically doing very well, seeing as we started 3 years ago with 12 adults and now have a consistent 60 -70 people attending on Sundays. But we feel like we should be more. And there's so much more we want to do, it's hard to be patient. It's hard to not see people attending have the same passion for things like we feel should be evident. And they may really want to do more, but we just don't hear about it or maybe we aren't asking for help in the right way, or .. I just don't know. It's frustrating to see my husband doing so much and people asking him to do more. It's aggravating for people to SAY they want to be a part and say they'll do anything and then not show up for weeks at a time. I'm tired of supplies being at my house. I'm tired of the same few people being the volunteers all of the time. I'm frustrated that things start to happen and for a few months there's this excitement and then key people decide to leave or attend somewhere else and never give a true, straight reason, leaving the core group bruised and wondering about who we are and what we're about and just not understanding what's happening. I'm sick and tired of not having a music leader STAY for more than a few months. This is such an integral, important part of what we do, and Malcolm and I have such a passion for what worship truly is, but need a leader that shares the same passion of worship AND the vision of GP AND what we want to do in this community AND a burden for the people of Odessa. We just can't seem to find that person and are so at a loss as to why or how. I'm tired of seeing my husband deflated when things aren't going quite right and he's left confused and blaming himself. I'm tired of not having the answers for him. I'm tired of not knowing the right things to say, and I'm mad at myself for not doing MY part to the best of my ability. It's frustrating to feel like I have nothing left to give GP after a week at school and not giving my all to the family. And then I battle between feeling like I shouldn't HAVE to be in charge of anything, that I shouldn't HAVE to be involved in several things, but realizing that I SHOULD do something because I am a part of GP and have a burden for this community and need to model that at some level. But then there's always that lingering concern that someone is thinking, "she needs to do that because she's the pastor's wife". Then I get angry at myself because I despise worrying about what others are thinking. I actually feel very free of those accusations since being involved in GP, but that doubt always comes creeping back in from past painful experience. And this morning was just crazy because we were out of several things and I had to make a trip back home for styrofoam cups that were in our shed instead of the trailer. It frustrates me because no one told us last week that we were out of those things. Or I didn't listen. Either one. So when mornings occur like this one, I get mad at Malcolm. Then I get mad at other people or the lack thereof. Then I get mad at myself for a myriad of reasons. And then I'm just mad and miserable and NOT in any frame of mind to encourage anyone.

What an attitude. I really should win planter's wife of the year. I'm sure they give that out somewhere... ? And what, praytell, would THAT look like??? I'm pretty sure I DON'T want to meet HER. I'd probably want to strangle her. And her perfectly behaving little children, too. :)

Pigs and Butts

So Saturday morning found me picking up trash around the Music City Mall here in Odessa (Don't ask me why it's called 'Music City', 'cause we aren't....). Grace Point has adopted that spot of Odessa (the perimeter roads of it) to keep clean. Saturday was a 'Keep Odessa Beautiful' day, where groups cleaned all over the city. So we used that day to do 3 projects, and I was the 'supervisor' for the adopt-a-spot. We got a good little group together, spread out, and picked up trash. I couldn't believe all the little pieces of trash I was having to pick up. There were also very wierd things (one teen found a water bottle with vomit in it - how that occurred I DON'T want to know), unmentionables, and plenty of cigarette butts. The thought hit me - some people are such pigs; but then I thought how unsurprised I actually was about the trash. We EXPECT people to be pigs. We EXPECT that people are going to roll down their windows and throw all sorts of things into the wind to land wherever. Why do we continue to accept this or at least become callous to it? How hard would it be to throw that trash in a can? Even to take it home and throw it away would just take a little effort. Are we really so lazy that we could care less about what our community looks like? It made me kinda sad. The number of butts I picked up was astounding! A couple of areas was where water had washed through and formed a dam of sorts made up of dead grass, pine needles, and cigarette butts. It was pretty gross. But I picked it up with my gloved hands and shoved it in the trash bag. Did I get all of them. Not even close. But I do feel a litttle better about that area of town. And I was glad to have participated in something that made me aware of how trashy we allow ourselves to be. I for one am going to throw my trash in a trash can. If I am to be a pig, I'll do it with food. And then I'll have to butt to prove it.