I've been struggling emotionally the last several days. Sunday morning I was failing to keep my tears at bay. It hit me that I am currently dealing with GRIEF. A lot of hard stuff has accumulated and the sadness and pain from it all seems to be hitting me at once.
Death of a friend
Rejection from people we considered friends
Limitation of my physical form
Comparison of the Now me to a Past, seemingly healthier me
Reality of my aging parents
Reality of my aging kids
Miscellaneous frustrations that come with chronic illness, perimenopause, and just being a human in a fallen world
Even just a few years ago, I would have been working on making each of these struggles into less than what they are and/or stuffing them down, trying to make them be quiet and pretend all is well. I would have been chastising myself, telling myself that they aren't so bad and I need to suck it up so I can care for others around me. Now I know that years of doing so has 'helped' cause me to be sick. To not stuff but rather process through the grief is hard work. We were made to FEEL. No, we don't dwell there for days, but we DO need to process through it.
So, I take deep breaths and make time to:
Allow myself to fully feel the emotion(s)
Name those emotions
Identify some reasons I am feeling the way I am feeling
Recognize any past hurts that are being triggered
Write it all out (journal)
Accept that this is the state I am in at this current time; that this IS, but I can do the work to get through it
When ready, breath again, asking God to help me release these emotions and their causes
Imagine Him taking all this mess & muck into His hands and obliterating it
Imagine Him hugging me and telling me, "you're safe, you're loved, you're enough"
This morning I was up early to go help care for my nieces. I took the quiet time before they woke up to do my "vulnerable" journaling where I write what I feel deep down - all the thoughts I wouldn't necessarily want anyone to hear, and then erase/destroy it so no one will ever see it. I got a lot of junk off my chest, and felt lighter as I helped the girls get ready for the day. On the way to school, the song I'm So Blessed by Cain started playing on the radio, and it hit me a little differently than usual.
"I'm so blessed, I'm so blessed,
Got this heartbeat in my chest
DOESN'T MATTER 'BOUT THE REST
IF I'VE GOT YOU, LORD, I'M SO BLESSED!"
I'm alive = it doesn't matter that I'm not as healthy as I want to be; it doesn't matter that others have decided to not forgive or associate with us; it doesn't matter that friends have passed; it doesn't matter that we are all getting older; it doesn't matter that I don't have all the things I want.... Now, before you think I am trying to stuff or be callous, hear me out. I am NOT saying flippantly that these things don't "matter", but that when it comes down to it, all of these issues don't measure up to how much God loves me. Yes, I have to allow myself to feel and fully process, but at the same time I need to keep my eyes on Jesus. The author and FINISHER of my faith. He doesn't stop or negate our human experience. He experienced the same feelings and struggles during His own time on Earth. He uses our struggles to produce wonderful things in us like HOPE, ENDURANCE, FAITH, and to develop a closer relationship with Him, relying on Him for all that we need.
Not that we don't experience tough things, but that we can face them with Jesus, work through all the muck of them, and not wallow in them or allow them to become our identity. He asks us to GIVE THEM TO HIM, fully and completely, not reaching back for them, in order that we may become more like Him, and more fully come into the Masterpiece He wants to make of us.
It has happened to be that the refrain I keep hearing the last few days has been : EVEN IF he doesn't do one more thing for me, he has already done so much for which to be praised. I am still God's child.
"On my best day, I'm a child of God
On my worst day, I'm a child of God
Oh, every day is a good day
And You're The Reason why."
https://youtu.be/Q4exKwB0WRk?si=SK5JhnBtcQMDUyoY
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