battling old demons

Today is the 4th day I've had of back-to-school staff development. It's always exciting for me (even though this is only my actual 4th year of teaching) because I love to improve upon how I teach and I love to plan! But then the anxiety and overwhelm-ment starts creeping in -- I've got so much I have to do, so much I need to do, so much I want to do, and so much others want me to do. And that's just at work. It's hard for me most days to see this as my 'job', because it just seems to be a part of who I am. I love teaching. I've said that before and I'll say it again. This is definitely one of those things I have a passion about. So then there's the feeling of being pulled between home and 'work', always wondering if one is being let down or if I should put more zeal into one or the other. I worry that my family - who IS numero uno on priorities for me - doesn't get the full, best me; and then on the other hand, I want to be the best, efficient, effective, inspiring teacher I can be. Many times I get done with a school day and feel inadequate. Although this year I feel much more prepared than last. I have an idea now of 6th grade and what it involves. Yet, as our principal reminded us recently, we need to do new things and teach in some new ways in order to reach new kids. Today was an awesome day for me, including some "ah-ha moments". I have some great new tools for planning lessons. I met a great family of one of my new students. But then I get home and see that the laundry I said I'd do won't be getting touched tonight. There are also several things I still need to finish in order to get this house ready to sell. So then my "I need to do more" thoughts come invading my mind as I know that sitting with my children watching a movie is super important and chores CAN wait. Now, granted, I was on the laptop finishing a parent letter while the movie is playing, but my kids wanted me to sit with them. Reminding myself of what's most important must be a discipline during these busy days. I can get so caught up in what I'm NOT doing, and feel like I'm lazy when I know that I have a level of energy deficiency. I always feel like I should be better at something. Now I do think that we should challenge ourselves to improve, but there comes a point that we need to celebrate what we ARE doing and CAN do. Sometimes I don't celebrate myself and what I'm about enough. Doing prayers at bedtime was another challenge for me as my brain is on high gear and it takes deliberate effort to stop and talk with a 6 and 4 year old. I love these 2 precious little people so much it hurts, but when my attentions are distracted it can be difficult to really listen. Daddy was with the teenagers tonight, so no story-telling. These times are when the kids ask for a song. And they usually want the old stand-by "I have a Maker". This song was new to me when pregnant with Caitlyn, and I fell in love with it. The first night she was 'on the outside', I began singing it to her and started to cry with the fullness of what it meant to me and to this little life with which I had been entrusted. Tonight it reminded me of that night and how not only was I imparting truth yet again through this song to my children, but that my heavenly Father was reminding me that He is the One I can rely on. He will help carry my burdens of anxiety, inadequacy, overwhelmed-ness, worry, fatigue, weariness and ache, frustration, scattered-brain-ness, and so on and so forth!
My soul now rests this evening, thanks to the simple reminder through my children's favorite lullaby:

I have a Maker
He formed my heart
Before even time began
My life was in His hands

He knows my name
He knows my every thought
He sees each tear that falls
And hears me when I call

I have a Father
He calls me His own
He'll never leave me
No matter where I go

He knows my name
He knows my every thought
He sees each tear that falls
And hears me when I call

(and then they love it when I personalize it, inserting their names...)
He knows your name (Caitlyn and Andrew....or Christy....or -your name-)
He knows your every thought
He sees each tear that falls
And hears you when you call

Yes, He hears you when you call.

leaving...being left

This summer we've had a few different friends leave town. As they were preparing to leave, I didn't really know what to do with myself. I chided myself when thinking about it in the middle of the night, thinking I should really know how to deal with this. How many times in my life have I moved away? Then it hit me -- well, that's the problem. I've always been the one to leave. I've never been left. Now, college is a different world unto it's own -- everyone expects people to be coming and going, so I never really gave it a thought. It was naturally occurring and somewhat scheduled. And although I knew this would happen eventually, I guess I hadn't figured what I would do with it when it did occur. So it's been interesting to think about. When I have been the one leaving, I've always wondered if people 'back home' really did want me to keep in touch and let them know what's happening. Life does go on, and it's natural to not be able to keep in touch well; although, today is a different age with texting and Facebook and Twitter, etc. etc. etc. Now having finally experienced being left, I know that I want to hear about the new things taking place for my friends and want to keep in touch. There's really not much to say about it, except that I've had a new experience. I've now been on both sides. One thing is still the same: it's never easy to leave or be left. Sure, it's exciting to be in a new place, but you miss the familiar. Well, I'm excited for my friends, but I miss them. And now I know what it's like to be left.