Not so simple and mundane

For those with invisible illnesses, some simple tasks can become monumental.  What should be an ordinary, everyday task becomes painful and tiring. Which then brings the emotion. Disappointment. Frustration. Depression. Anxiety. Worry. Sadness. A wife wonders if she can truly be the partner her husband needs. A friend feels like she is failing all those who desire a relationship with her. A mom worries she won't be able to take care of her children the way she wants to, or that her children will always only see her as a weak and tired mom,  not the fun-loving person that's trapped inside her body.

This morning I had a very hard time getting out of bed. I got to the shower & as I began to shampoo my hair, my arms felt so weak that I had a hard time washing my hair. This is something I have struggled with on & off for a few years now. I had to remind myself this morning that I am in the process of getting better. I hope and pray that in a few months time, I won't have the muscle weakness and fatigue that I do today. But it makes me think of all those who carry these types of secrets with them day in and day out. There are so many that have these hidden illnesses and are too afraid or ashamed or tired of hearing that there are no answers for what ails them. Or know that "it could be so much worse" & struggle to stay positive. I feel so strongly that I should start speaking out so that others find they are not alone. We can join together not to bring pity on us or to act as if we need attention, but just to be encouragers. Even through that, there is healing.

As I was strolling through Facebook earlier, I watched a video I have seen before of a mother and son dancing at his wedding. It started out all serene and nice as is expected at a wedding reception, but then they began dancing to a medley of fun music. The mom was awesome, and I couldn't help but think "Lord, I want to be like that when my boy gets married. I want to have the energy to do things 15 years from now that I can only do in a short bursts today". I want the energy to play with my kids in the backyard for longer than five minutes. I want the energy to take them on hikes. Or walk for hours around an amusement park. Do all sorts of things that they want me to do that sometimes I just have to say no, not right now. Mommy has a headache, or Mommy is feeling really bad, or I'm just so tired. Well, I'm tired of feeling like a disappointment. And now I have a nine-month-old. I want her to grow up with an energetic mom who can get tasks completed, who can do what needs to be done all day without anxiety, who can be fun, entertaining, and active for more than a few minutes at a time.

So I end today wrapped in the hope that I have found some answers. That within a few months I will see marked improvement in my energy level. That I will not ache as much, or have headaches, or be as weak as I have been. That I will exercise and feel energized instead of needing to take a nap.

And my prayer is that through this, I can help others on their journey.

Mental discipline

I eat my emotions.
I'm bored; I want a salty snack.
I'm upset; I want something sweet.
I'm frustrated; gimme a snack.

I wonder what would have happened if I had been raised in a different home.

I think I deserve to eat something that isn't very healthy because I ate some healthy stuff earlier. Although I eat more of the unhealthy stuff than I should.

These are just some thoughts I had recently while working through a moment of really wanting  more than fruits & veggies. And I'm back at that weakness the last 24 hours or so. I'm tired of doing this cleanse!! I only have 5 more days, but I am so hungry for some bread, some cereal, some potatoes, some things with flour.... Ugh.

I keep reminding myself of my whys for doing this. But it also hit me yesterday while feeling kinda down, that this is just the first step in a long process. I think I've kinda plateaued with my energy boost - my muscles still ache and I still have some fatigue. I had to remind myself that these 21 days were just to get rid of some toxicity, and then after this I will have to rebuild my mineral levels and such. That will take a little longer. But at least I can eat more. !!

I am already having to plan for the days after this cleanse, introducing foods slowly so that I can see if anything causes a reaction. Bluck. More discipline. I'm tired. Whine whine whine. Maybe I should have some wine. Hardy haR har. Oh wait, I can't.  Not on the diet.

And it's cold. I want my sweet, creamy coffee. Whine whine some more.

Okay. I'm done for now.

Maybe.

I am not a vegetarian.

The last several years I have learned things about myself. Some things I was glad to learn. Some things came out of struggle. Some things I had to eat a piece of humble pie while admitting them. But this past 9 days I have learned something that I am proud of and its out of a struggle: I am an omnivore. I like veggies. I like fruit. I like meat. I don't think I would be a super happy person if I ever HAD to be a vegetarian.

But I have also learned that I have more willpower than I thought I had. I have really pushed myself this past week. I've had to smell garlic breadsticks and not touch them. I've had to listen to people drink Dr Pepper and not partake. I've had to sit and watch others eat fried chicken and sip on my water instead. But I have done it. And I can still smile.

It's been overwhelming. It's been frustrating. I'm glad it has an end. My energy has increased to a degree, and I can tell there are some internal things going on, such as my temperature seems to be regulating a bit. For those who have intolerance to cold or hot flashes (of which I've stuggled with both, the heat being just because of pregnancy).  Only time will tell exactly what all is happening inside, and that is what I cling to when I really want something else to eat besides fruit and veggies (& only certain ones of those).

I'm sharing about this journey & finally speaking about my personal struggles only because I have met so many women who are or have struggled with the same issues I have. Here's just a short list: fatigue, muscle and joint aches, dry skin & hair, diminished appetite with no weight loss, feeling cold most of the time, anxiety, some depression, brittle nails, problems with menstruation, brain fog, did I say fatigue? And on and on. Just the other night I saw that super dry feet may be a sign of thyroid issues. The thyroid is basically the regulator for every other system in the body, especially hormonal systems. I have been saying to myself and only a few others that I don't believe I should have to just live with these ailments like I've had some doctors tell me. There HAS to be something wrong internally that is causing these things to happen. Finally I have found someone in the medical field that believes that, too. I feel like I've become an advocate for this. So many people deal with this stuff and we don't take care of ourselves, usually because we don't know how & we can't get others to take us seriously. After all, I don't LOOK like I has any real health issues.... In my case, I would try, but I would get so tired of trying different things & nothing working. I now have 'evidence' that something IS going on internally and I now have tools to help myself. I also had to come to a point mentally that said, "Enough is enough. It's time to get serious about this, and keep searching until I find answers." It has been and probably will continue to be a long process. When it comes down to it, I am the only one that can change it. I can have help and support, but I have to be the one to drink more water, to eat better things that my body can process easier, to change some habits, to take the supplements I need, to seek out the right help & go to those appointments. So I'm in that process. Purifying out the toxins in order to rebuild the minerals and other essentials my body has exhausted.

And starting tomorrow, eating meat again. Hallelujah, pass me the cow.

I want chocolate

Today has been a tough mental day. The last few days I have had some severe muscle pain, and today my right hip has hurt awfully. (This has been an ongoing thing for a few years now.) I  realized this morning that some of the pain may be because I have not been taking my Vitamin D that I was supposed to be taking. I take so many pills because of the supplements that I just didn't want to take anymore. So I  started that up again this afternoon. We shall see if it helps. I'm trying not to burn all the new energy I'm having (it's not a lot, but it's more than I've had in awhile). This evening though, I really wanted to cook and was able to make tonight's meal plus get one ready for tomorrow. But my hip just started having shooting pain and I had to use ice and now heat the get any relief.

I'm feeling a bit overwhelmed. Yesterday we went out to eat for lunch and I had a great salad, but oh, the bread on the table looked so delicious. Today even the trash smelled good at one point. I kept thinking, you know you're on a cleanse when even the trash smells good....

 I just want chocolate. And bread. And something other than just water to drink. (We all know that means Dr Pepper.)

So I'm feeling a bit whiney. Besides the energy and the little weight loss, I'm not seeing any big results quite yet. Which shows my impatience, since it's only day 6. But the pain today has made me come a little unglued. I've been dealing with (& hiding) my almost constant pain for years now that I have a hard time even figuring out when it really started. I dealt with fatigue in high school. It's just gotten more constant and severe over the last 8 years, really getting bad the last 4/5. I like to chant to myself that there is always always something to be thankful for. I know that there is always someone who has it worse. Things could be so much worse. I have so much to be grateful for , and I cling to those in desperate times.  Those times in the middle of the night, or when soaking in a hot bath, or driving by myself. Those are the times when I can get overwhelmed and depressed with this achiness and fatigue and feeling of being a failure. My biggest fear about doing this cleanse and the things I will be doing afterward is that it won't change anything. That I will always feel this way. That I can never feel normal or have enough energy or lack of pain. But then I dare to hope. To capture those negative thoughts and remember Who is in control.

So that's where I am tonight. You got the raw edition.

Now hang on to a piece of chocolate for me. I have 15 more days....