Soap Box for the Church Planter's Wife

So, this isn't going to be some gossipy blog. Nor will it be rosy. So if you really aren't interested, please stop reading now.. This blog is more of a personal nature, allowing me to vent a little in order to get it out, put my big girl panties on, and get over it. Sometimes you just need that every now and again, and I'd rather not vomit on anyone verbally, so I'll type it out. :) Once again, feel free to do something else with your online time....

Still there??? This is your last chance to back out...

My life is a little crazy right now, and even as I say that I think that that's stupid. Things could be so much worse. But sometimes it just seems like everything's a little off, and there are little things that add together to just make you feel.... blah, irritable, frustrated, yada yada yada.

I cannot seem to completely get rid of this cold. I'm not sure if we had the flu or not, but this lingering snot/cough has stuck around long enough. I'm sick of it. Ready to be able to breathe fully. So that is something that plays into this... yuck-ness.

Then, the kids just seem to be at each other lately. Of course, right now, they're playing wonderfully in Drew's room. But I'm sure that at any time, there shall be screaming. Lately they do things just to make each other mad. I know that's perfectly normal, but it's irritating. And Andrew has been throwing these fits that come out of nowhere, just when we thought he was over that. I really just want to ask him why in the world he thinks screaming and crying will help his plight when we've never, I repeat NEVER, given in and let him have what he wants when he acts like that??? Does he think he's got a new set of parents who LIKE that kind of nonsense??? I just don't get it why after 50,000 times of whining he thinks MAYBE THIS time, they'll give in. It's just crazy to me. And frustrating. And right when we're trying to really give him choices and not just scream and act like 3 year olds ourselves. He really tries me. And I think he knows it. So that is also something that plays into this... yuck-ness.

We're also in the midst, nearing the end of building the new house. While this is extremely exciting and a dream-come-ture, it's also kinda stressful. Not so much the new house end, but selling the old house. I've packed up most of my personal pictures and decorations, keeping the feel of the house very neutral (thank you, HGTV). And I decided not to get out my cherished fall decor for the same reasons. Trying to keep the house basically clean - enough where we can pick up at a moment's notice - is getting old, and can be rather hard with two kids who love to play anywhere around the house. We've also had lots of traffic, which is a good thing, but no offer. Oh, I take that back. We had an idiot (sorry) give us an offer for about $26K less than our asking price. I guess that just doesn't count in my book. We've been told that there is a couple who says that want our house, but had to wait until the end of the month to make an offer. Well, it's November 1st....... I'm so impatient, and just want the debt paid off and money in the bank. I want to be packing up the rest of the decor and things we don't need for day-to-day life. I want to be getting things ready to move. I want to have a huge yard sale. I'm ready to be done with this house!!! So, this is also a huge part of this... yuck-ness.

And of course today is Sunday. I love Sundays, generally. But I'm at a point right now that is ... questionable. Grace Point has been an incredible experience. Church planting is not for sissies, though, let me tell ya. There's so much I can say here, that I'm afraid I won't make much sense, but as this blog is more for me to vent than for anyone to understand, I guess it doesn't matter. We are technically doing very well, seeing as we started 3 years ago with 12 adults and now have a consistent 60 -70 people attending on Sundays. But we feel like we should be more. And there's so much more we want to do, it's hard to be patient. It's hard to not see people attending have the same passion for things like we feel should be evident. And they may really want to do more, but we just don't hear about it or maybe we aren't asking for help in the right way, or .. I just don't know. It's frustrating to see my husband doing so much and people asking him to do more. It's aggravating for people to SAY they want to be a part and say they'll do anything and then not show up for weeks at a time. I'm tired of supplies being at my house. I'm tired of the same few people being the volunteers all of the time. I'm frustrated that things start to happen and for a few months there's this excitement and then key people decide to leave or attend somewhere else and never give a true, straight reason, leaving the core group bruised and wondering about who we are and what we're about and just not understanding what's happening. I'm sick and tired of not having a music leader STAY for more than a few months. This is such an integral, important part of what we do, and Malcolm and I have such a passion for what worship truly is, but need a leader that shares the same passion of worship AND the vision of GP AND what we want to do in this community AND a burden for the people of Odessa. We just can't seem to find that person and are so at a loss as to why or how. I'm tired of seeing my husband deflated when things aren't going quite right and he's left confused and blaming himself. I'm tired of not having the answers for him. I'm tired of not knowing the right things to say, and I'm mad at myself for not doing MY part to the best of my ability. It's frustrating to feel like I have nothing left to give GP after a week at school and not giving my all to the family. And then I battle between feeling like I shouldn't HAVE to be in charge of anything, that I shouldn't HAVE to be involved in several things, but realizing that I SHOULD do something because I am a part of GP and have a burden for this community and need to model that at some level. But then there's always that lingering concern that someone is thinking, "she needs to do that because she's the pastor's wife". Then I get angry at myself because I despise worrying about what others are thinking. I actually feel very free of those accusations since being involved in GP, but that doubt always comes creeping back in from past painful experience. And this morning was just crazy because we were out of several things and I had to make a trip back home for styrofoam cups that were in our shed instead of the trailer. It frustrates me because no one told us last week that we were out of those things. Or I didn't listen. Either one. So when mornings occur like this one, I get mad at Malcolm. Then I get mad at other people or the lack thereof. Then I get mad at myself for a myriad of reasons. And then I'm just mad and miserable and NOT in any frame of mind to encourage anyone.

What an attitude. I really should win planter's wife of the year. I'm sure they give that out somewhere... ? And what, praytell, would THAT look like??? I'm pretty sure I DON'T want to meet HER. I'd probably want to strangle her. And her perfectly behaving little children, too. :)