Soap Box for the Church Planter's Wife

So, this isn't going to be some gossipy blog. Nor will it be rosy. So if you really aren't interested, please stop reading now.. This blog is more of a personal nature, allowing me to vent a little in order to get it out, put my big girl panties on, and get over it. Sometimes you just need that every now and again, and I'd rather not vomit on anyone verbally, so I'll type it out. :) Once again, feel free to do something else with your online time....

Still there??? This is your last chance to back out...

My life is a little crazy right now, and even as I say that I think that that's stupid. Things could be so much worse. But sometimes it just seems like everything's a little off, and there are little things that add together to just make you feel.... blah, irritable, frustrated, yada yada yada.

I cannot seem to completely get rid of this cold. I'm not sure if we had the flu or not, but this lingering snot/cough has stuck around long enough. I'm sick of it. Ready to be able to breathe fully. So that is something that plays into this... yuck-ness.

Then, the kids just seem to be at each other lately. Of course, right now, they're playing wonderfully in Drew's room. But I'm sure that at any time, there shall be screaming. Lately they do things just to make each other mad. I know that's perfectly normal, but it's irritating. And Andrew has been throwing these fits that come out of nowhere, just when we thought he was over that. I really just want to ask him why in the world he thinks screaming and crying will help his plight when we've never, I repeat NEVER, given in and let him have what he wants when he acts like that??? Does he think he's got a new set of parents who LIKE that kind of nonsense??? I just don't get it why after 50,000 times of whining he thinks MAYBE THIS time, they'll give in. It's just crazy to me. And frustrating. And right when we're trying to really give him choices and not just scream and act like 3 year olds ourselves. He really tries me. And I think he knows it. So that is also something that plays into this... yuck-ness.

We're also in the midst, nearing the end of building the new house. While this is extremely exciting and a dream-come-ture, it's also kinda stressful. Not so much the new house end, but selling the old house. I've packed up most of my personal pictures and decorations, keeping the feel of the house very neutral (thank you, HGTV). And I decided not to get out my cherished fall decor for the same reasons. Trying to keep the house basically clean - enough where we can pick up at a moment's notice - is getting old, and can be rather hard with two kids who love to play anywhere around the house. We've also had lots of traffic, which is a good thing, but no offer. Oh, I take that back. We had an idiot (sorry) give us an offer for about $26K less than our asking price. I guess that just doesn't count in my book. We've been told that there is a couple who says that want our house, but had to wait until the end of the month to make an offer. Well, it's November 1st....... I'm so impatient, and just want the debt paid off and money in the bank. I want to be packing up the rest of the decor and things we don't need for day-to-day life. I want to be getting things ready to move. I want to have a huge yard sale. I'm ready to be done with this house!!! So, this is also a huge part of this... yuck-ness.

And of course today is Sunday. I love Sundays, generally. But I'm at a point right now that is ... questionable. Grace Point has been an incredible experience. Church planting is not for sissies, though, let me tell ya. There's so much I can say here, that I'm afraid I won't make much sense, but as this blog is more for me to vent than for anyone to understand, I guess it doesn't matter. We are technically doing very well, seeing as we started 3 years ago with 12 adults and now have a consistent 60 -70 people attending on Sundays. But we feel like we should be more. And there's so much more we want to do, it's hard to be patient. It's hard to not see people attending have the same passion for things like we feel should be evident. And they may really want to do more, but we just don't hear about it or maybe we aren't asking for help in the right way, or .. I just don't know. It's frustrating to see my husband doing so much and people asking him to do more. It's aggravating for people to SAY they want to be a part and say they'll do anything and then not show up for weeks at a time. I'm tired of supplies being at my house. I'm tired of the same few people being the volunteers all of the time. I'm frustrated that things start to happen and for a few months there's this excitement and then key people decide to leave or attend somewhere else and never give a true, straight reason, leaving the core group bruised and wondering about who we are and what we're about and just not understanding what's happening. I'm sick and tired of not having a music leader STAY for more than a few months. This is such an integral, important part of what we do, and Malcolm and I have such a passion for what worship truly is, but need a leader that shares the same passion of worship AND the vision of GP AND what we want to do in this community AND a burden for the people of Odessa. We just can't seem to find that person and are so at a loss as to why or how. I'm tired of seeing my husband deflated when things aren't going quite right and he's left confused and blaming himself. I'm tired of not having the answers for him. I'm tired of not knowing the right things to say, and I'm mad at myself for not doing MY part to the best of my ability. It's frustrating to feel like I have nothing left to give GP after a week at school and not giving my all to the family. And then I battle between feeling like I shouldn't HAVE to be in charge of anything, that I shouldn't HAVE to be involved in several things, but realizing that I SHOULD do something because I am a part of GP and have a burden for this community and need to model that at some level. But then there's always that lingering concern that someone is thinking, "she needs to do that because she's the pastor's wife". Then I get angry at myself because I despise worrying about what others are thinking. I actually feel very free of those accusations since being involved in GP, but that doubt always comes creeping back in from past painful experience. And this morning was just crazy because we were out of several things and I had to make a trip back home for styrofoam cups that were in our shed instead of the trailer. It frustrates me because no one told us last week that we were out of those things. Or I didn't listen. Either one. So when mornings occur like this one, I get mad at Malcolm. Then I get mad at other people or the lack thereof. Then I get mad at myself for a myriad of reasons. And then I'm just mad and miserable and NOT in any frame of mind to encourage anyone.

What an attitude. I really should win planter's wife of the year. I'm sure they give that out somewhere... ? And what, praytell, would THAT look like??? I'm pretty sure I DON'T want to meet HER. I'd probably want to strangle her. And her perfectly behaving little children, too. :)

Pigs and Butts

So Saturday morning found me picking up trash around the Music City Mall here in Odessa (Don't ask me why it's called 'Music City', 'cause we aren't....). Grace Point has adopted that spot of Odessa (the perimeter roads of it) to keep clean. Saturday was a 'Keep Odessa Beautiful' day, where groups cleaned all over the city. So we used that day to do 3 projects, and I was the 'supervisor' for the adopt-a-spot. We got a good little group together, spread out, and picked up trash. I couldn't believe all the little pieces of trash I was having to pick up. There were also very wierd things (one teen found a water bottle with vomit in it - how that occurred I DON'T want to know), unmentionables, and plenty of cigarette butts. The thought hit me - some people are such pigs; but then I thought how unsurprised I actually was about the trash. We EXPECT people to be pigs. We EXPECT that people are going to roll down their windows and throw all sorts of things into the wind to land wherever. Why do we continue to accept this or at least become callous to it? How hard would it be to throw that trash in a can? Even to take it home and throw it away would just take a little effort. Are we really so lazy that we could care less about what our community looks like? It made me kinda sad. The number of butts I picked up was astounding! A couple of areas was where water had washed through and formed a dam of sorts made up of dead grass, pine needles, and cigarette butts. It was pretty gross. But I picked it up with my gloved hands and shoved it in the trash bag. Did I get all of them. Not even close. But I do feel a litttle better about that area of town. And I was glad to have participated in something that made me aware of how trashy we allow ourselves to be. I for one am going to throw my trash in a trash can. If I am to be a pig, I'll do it with food. And then I'll have to butt to prove it.

what really matters

Yesterday morning around 330 or so, my dad had a near fatal heart attack. Many people know this by now, and here's some details:

Dad was attending a men's retreat in Buda, TX, just south of Austin. My Uncle Larry and cousin Aaron were also there. He woke up with terrible pain in his chest, like incredible heart burn. He said that his arm was tingling a bit, too. He laid there for awhile, wondering if it would go away. He realized it was more serious than heart burn, and began to get very scared. So he woke up Uncle Larry. They finally called an ambulance, and then also began trying to get ahold of us. He didn't want them to call Mom, but for us to call her and then take her to Austin. It took several calls for us to wake up, and when we did (just after 430), we knew something had happened. I followed Malcolm into the kitchen and when I could hear my uncle's voice through the phone, I almost fainted. It's one of my fears slapping me in the face. My heart started beating hard in my chest and I had to sit down. Enough about me, though. Dad was scared and made sure Larry knew to tell us all how much he loves us, etc. When the paramedics got there, they determined that he was probably having a heart attack, and they rushed him to South Austin Hospital. Upon that news, Malcolm got dressed and got ready to go pick up Mom (who was getting ready as well). By this time, the ambulance had gotten Dad to the hospital, they had gone in (through the groin) and had seen that an artery (not sure which one) was 99% blocked! They put in a stent (sp?) and said the other arteries were okay, but one was 'diseased' and would heal itself over time with rest, diet change, etc. As Malcolm kissed me goodbye, I asked him what vehicle he was going to take, and he said that he felt like the van would be more reliable. I had just filled it up with gas the night before, so it was good to go. They got on the road and had traveled about 40 minutes when they hit a deer!! Mom said she finds it ironic that she lived in Missouri for almost 10 years and saw many deer, even slowing way down in order not to hit some, and then moves to West Texas and hits one. They saw it about to cross the road, but Malcolm knew he couldn't swerve or it would have been worse. Sure enough, he slows down, grips the wheel to keep going straight, and the deer ran right into their path. What is it with kamikazi deer? Stupid animals. Too bad we weren't able to save the meat. (sorry to all those PEDA people out there...) So he calls me; it's almost 700 by now, and I just about lose it. I call my sister to let her know, and then got the kids up and dressed. Made sure I brushed my teeth and got some things ready. Called some good friends who were going to do some things at Grace Point for us, and they said to come get their van. So then I headed out to pick up Mom and Malcolm. I had the thought when I got south of Odessa, that if I hit a deer, I wasn't calling anyone else to come and get us - we'd figure something else out; I didn't want to endanger anyone else!! :) The van had stopped right after they hit the deer, and the tow truck got there minutes before I did. I'm so thankful he took the van - the car would have been much worse. They say that they barely felt the impact, and that the deer went flipping and rolling away from the van. (Pics are on Malcolm's FB if anyone is interested....boys!!) So I picked them up and then we headed back to Odessa. Now, Malcolm and I were suppose to be heading to KC today to attend our annual CMA conference (church planting stuff). By this time, I had pretty much decided that I wouldn't be going - Mom and Dad were going to watch the kids. We knew that others would have gladly and capably watched them, but I didn't feel like I wanted to be away from them now, and I needed to take care of things for Mom and Dad on this end. So we got back to our house and cancelled my flight in order to make arrangements for Mom to fly to Austin. We got her on a plane at 1205 and she made it there only a few hours after they would have gotten there by car. Dad is still in ICU - they don't have a regular room available, but hope to get him in one tomorrow. His incision sight 'seeped' quite a bit, but we were told that's normal - in order for the stent to work properly, they have to give him something to keep blood from clotting. Once that bag was empty, his blood started clotting again, and by this morning it was good. Mom had to 'sleep' in the ICU waiting room last night - she didn't want to leave the hospital, but couldn't stay in Dad's room - she's staying in a hotel tonight. The doctor is now saying that he's doing great and should be able to leave Wednesday (had originally said Thursday)! Another crazy thing - when Mom and Malcolm got to the airport, Mom realized that she didn't have a photo ID. She had a temp license because she had gone to get a TX ID recently. She asked Malcolm if they'd let her through if she cried at them. He said she could cry and he would laugh. But they let her through with the temp and a credit card! Malcolm was trying to decide whether or not he should go ahead and go to KC, and seemed to be waiting on me to make the decision. I love that man. I would love for him to be here with me, or me to be there with him, but I decided he should go ahead & go. It's such a great time to get recharged and meet up with other church planters to encourage and be encouraged. So he left today, and I managed to only tear up a little when hugging him good-bye. He'll be back Wednesday evening.

So many things to be thankful for:

*Dad was with his brother and nephew and many other men who did what they could - some that know us and some that know my dad. They took up a collection later that morning, and made arrangements in case Mom needed anything. Thanks to all of those people who rallied around Dad and our family.

*Dad was not traveling back home yet. If he had been by himself on the road, the outcome would not have been the same...

*The hospital they took him to worked fast and efficiently. His doctor is well-known and very experienced. The whole staff has been great so far. (Dad was thrilled most of them were veterans. :) )

*Malcolm took the van instead of the car. Sure, it's gone now (the insurance people go look at it tomorrow, but I'm pretty sure it's a goner), but it could have been so much worse. They aren't hurt!

*We were able to get Mom on the plane. And then Malcolm calls me while in Dallas on a layover. They needed ONE person to be willing to go on a later flight. He jumped up and accepted not only a free ticket up to the price of his (which then gives us back my original ticket in a sense), but also $100 credit towards another flight, I believe. How awesome is that? And he's only a couple of hours later getting in to KC!

*Our friends at Grace Point have just encouraged us so much. They have really welcomed Mom and Dad into our church these last few months, and are concerned about them and us. It's a huge encouragement to know that people are caring and praying for those we love as well as ourselves.

*We've had friends in the Austin and San Antonio area that have called us and are planning to or have already visited Mom and Dad. This is huge for Malcolm and I - friends of ours that are caring for our parents when we can't be right there. This just warms my heart so much and we are so thankful for this.

*Word got around so fast because of the internet. It's great to have a tool where we can spread the word about a need and many have responded with encouraging words. Thanks to all of you who are even just thinking about us. It helps to know there are those out there who care.

*Since I already had 3 days off in order to head to KC, I'm still taking 2 of those days. I'll go back to school Wednesday, but my principal and fellow 6th grade teachers wanted me to feel free to take tomorrow off as well, which I appreciate. I am so exhausted but grateful to spend the day somewhat alone today, and tomorrow Andrew and I will 'bond'.

This whole thing of course makes one really think about life. We are such a close-knit family. Now that I had a too close call of losing my dad, our time together will be even more precious. I was so glad to hear his voice on the phone yesterday. I hate that my sis is so far away, but what will be will be. I'm just thankful for phone and internet. I'm not ready to lose either of my parents. I guess no one ever really is. My mom lost her Dad when we were very little. I now wonder how she got through. It gives me even more admiration for her and her inner strength. She was so strong yesterday and we all wanted to smother her and hold her hand. For being the tiniest of the whole family, she's got to be one of the strongest. This also makes me not want to go back to work. That's kinda crazy, but right now at this point, I just want to spend most of my time with my family. I'll have to go back, and I'll carry out my mission while I'm there, and I'll eventually get my attitude back to where I usually try to have it in any situation: I WILL enjoy this... But, I'll cherish moments with my parents and my kids and my husband and my sister and her family. I'll also cherish moments with good friends. I'll cherish life. And I'll not be embarrassed of my faith. I know deep in my soul that God is good. Could He have kept this from happening? Yes. Am I more favored than others to have my dad still here? No. This is the complexity of understanding God. In my simple opinion, I believe that God doesn't necessarily want us to totally understand Him. What would be our need for Him if we did? "Blessed are those who have not seen and yet believe." And I say 'simple' not because I've just accepted blindly. "Oh, sure, a pastor's kid. She just believes what she's heard her whole life and hasn't thought about any other way. She hasn't even had any REAL trials or temptations." Think what you want, but I've been in emotional trenches that NO ONE knows; I've seen the spiritual realm, good and evil; I asked the extremely hard, cynical, gut-wrenching questions some think 'good Christians' aren't suppose to ask. But I know of a Creator that formed me in my mother's womb, of a Father that weeps when I do and lovingly corrects, of a King who desires an intimate relationship with common old me, of a Savior that gave His life for my unworthy one, of a Forgiver that listens to my whining and sees my doubts and knows my deepest darkest ugliest secrets, of a Comforter that wraps me in His arms and speaks to my heart, of a Peace-Giver that comes in my scariest storms, of a Defender who helps me face my innermost fears, of an Interpreter when I have no words, of a Friend who does not judge and never falters. This is Who I place my trust in, even when I don't understand everything, and even when others see me as unthinking or simple-minded. This faith I have is what really matters.

And it would be my dad's final wish that all would come to know this God that we believe in, put our hope in, and trust with our lives. He wanted us to know how much he loves us. I hope he knows how much I love him. How grateful I am for this man I call Dad, my first superhero. How thankful I am for an earthly father that taught me many things (good and bad, ha ha), that told me how I should be treated by boys even though I didn't always follow that, that taught me the things of our faith, that showed us how important we were to him, that stayed married to my mom and how they set an example (even with a few faults) of a marriage that stands the test of trials and time. These are the things that have gone through my head today. These are the things that I believe really matter.

battling old demons

Today is the 4th day I've had of back-to-school staff development. It's always exciting for me (even though this is only my actual 4th year of teaching) because I love to improve upon how I teach and I love to plan! But then the anxiety and overwhelm-ment starts creeping in -- I've got so much I have to do, so much I need to do, so much I want to do, and so much others want me to do. And that's just at work. It's hard for me most days to see this as my 'job', because it just seems to be a part of who I am. I love teaching. I've said that before and I'll say it again. This is definitely one of those things I have a passion about. So then there's the feeling of being pulled between home and 'work', always wondering if one is being let down or if I should put more zeal into one or the other. I worry that my family - who IS numero uno on priorities for me - doesn't get the full, best me; and then on the other hand, I want to be the best, efficient, effective, inspiring teacher I can be. Many times I get done with a school day and feel inadequate. Although this year I feel much more prepared than last. I have an idea now of 6th grade and what it involves. Yet, as our principal reminded us recently, we need to do new things and teach in some new ways in order to reach new kids. Today was an awesome day for me, including some "ah-ha moments". I have some great new tools for planning lessons. I met a great family of one of my new students. But then I get home and see that the laundry I said I'd do won't be getting touched tonight. There are also several things I still need to finish in order to get this house ready to sell. So then my "I need to do more" thoughts come invading my mind as I know that sitting with my children watching a movie is super important and chores CAN wait. Now, granted, I was on the laptop finishing a parent letter while the movie is playing, but my kids wanted me to sit with them. Reminding myself of what's most important must be a discipline during these busy days. I can get so caught up in what I'm NOT doing, and feel like I'm lazy when I know that I have a level of energy deficiency. I always feel like I should be better at something. Now I do think that we should challenge ourselves to improve, but there comes a point that we need to celebrate what we ARE doing and CAN do. Sometimes I don't celebrate myself and what I'm about enough. Doing prayers at bedtime was another challenge for me as my brain is on high gear and it takes deliberate effort to stop and talk with a 6 and 4 year old. I love these 2 precious little people so much it hurts, but when my attentions are distracted it can be difficult to really listen. Daddy was with the teenagers tonight, so no story-telling. These times are when the kids ask for a song. And they usually want the old stand-by "I have a Maker". This song was new to me when pregnant with Caitlyn, and I fell in love with it. The first night she was 'on the outside', I began singing it to her and started to cry with the fullness of what it meant to me and to this little life with which I had been entrusted. Tonight it reminded me of that night and how not only was I imparting truth yet again through this song to my children, but that my heavenly Father was reminding me that He is the One I can rely on. He will help carry my burdens of anxiety, inadequacy, overwhelmed-ness, worry, fatigue, weariness and ache, frustration, scattered-brain-ness, and so on and so forth!
My soul now rests this evening, thanks to the simple reminder through my children's favorite lullaby:

I have a Maker
He formed my heart
Before even time began
My life was in His hands

He knows my name
He knows my every thought
He sees each tear that falls
And hears me when I call

I have a Father
He calls me His own
He'll never leave me
No matter where I go

He knows my name
He knows my every thought
He sees each tear that falls
And hears me when I call

(and then they love it when I personalize it, inserting their names...)
He knows your name (Caitlyn and Andrew....or Christy....or -your name-)
He knows your every thought
He sees each tear that falls
And hears you when you call

Yes, He hears you when you call.

leaving...being left

This summer we've had a few different friends leave town. As they were preparing to leave, I didn't really know what to do with myself. I chided myself when thinking about it in the middle of the night, thinking I should really know how to deal with this. How many times in my life have I moved away? Then it hit me -- well, that's the problem. I've always been the one to leave. I've never been left. Now, college is a different world unto it's own -- everyone expects people to be coming and going, so I never really gave it a thought. It was naturally occurring and somewhat scheduled. And although I knew this would happen eventually, I guess I hadn't figured what I would do with it when it did occur. So it's been interesting to think about. When I have been the one leaving, I've always wondered if people 'back home' really did want me to keep in touch and let them know what's happening. Life does go on, and it's natural to not be able to keep in touch well; although, today is a different age with texting and Facebook and Twitter, etc. etc. etc. Now having finally experienced being left, I know that I want to hear about the new things taking place for my friends and want to keep in touch. There's really not much to say about it, except that I've had a new experience. I've now been on both sides. One thing is still the same: it's never easy to leave or be left. Sure, it's exciting to be in a new place, but you miss the familiar. Well, I'm excited for my friends, but I miss them. And now I know what it's like to be left.

Ah, Summer...

I'm sitting here in our hot den/office after coming back from vacation to Michigan. We went up to visit my sister and her family and really enjoyed it up there. The weather was awesome and we had a wonderful day spent at Lake Michigan. The beach without the salt or fear of sharks!! It was terrific!! We came back to hot Texas and are officially in the only time of year I don't like the weather. It's just a little too hot for me. I do have to say that I'm thankful it's not humid here or I would be a hermit, living naked in my house to keep cool. I probably shouldn't have said I'd be naked, but come on, that's how we all feel when we're dripping hot. Plus, it's my blog and I'll say what I want. :)
My parents got here and are mostly all moved in. There's lots of painting to be done, and their new kitchen cabinets are being ordered and will be here in a few weeks. They've been replacing fans and lights amongst other things, and we're having a yard sale next weekend. It's still not quite real that they're living in the same town, but the kids are loving it and have already 'camped out' one night. It's great!
This next week I'll probably take some time to go get some stuff set up in my classroom. I was in there last week and got all excited. I just really love teaching! I don't know what all the future holds for our family, but I plan to enjoy this next school year. And I love the ladies I teach with, so that helps a ton on those tough days. My students last year did well on the blasted state tests, and I had several of them tell me they wanted me to transfer to the junior high so they could have me for a class. Made me feel good. I just hope I do something good for every kid. Teachers can have a huge influence, and I want mine to be good.
Sunday we're having a GP (Grace Point) party at someone's house after church. I'm very excited about this!! It's great that this family is getting so involved. We've had 2 important families move out of town at the beginning of the month (Miss y'all) and this Sunday will be another family's last day. So it's nice to have other families stepping up.
Sometime in the next couple of weeks, we will probably be 'ordering' our new house to be built!! I can hardly believe it!! It's a dream come true for us, and it will be so much fun picking out colors, cabinets, countertops, tile, carpet, brick....... YEA!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Gotta get the kids off to bed. Malcolm is trying to get home after the radiator busted on him while driving. Our poor little 12 year old Altima. So glad it's paid for.
The sun's still up, but going down. The heat is going away, so I think I might sit on the front porch and read until it's either dark, the 'skeeters start eating me, or Malcolm comes home.
Stay cool and hydrated out there!!

good wins out

Last Friday we took most of our 6th graders to Lubbock to visit the Science Spectrum. We had a great time. We had set up criteria the students were to meet in order to go on the trip. We've been working on it all year. By the time the trip happened, we had almost 30 kids not go. Some of them were because parents weren't allowing them to go, but most of them were because they had not met the criteria. The kids that went were the ones that had worked hard, met the criteria, and deserved to go. It was great! They highly enjoyed themselves, and we enjoyed them! Monday morning as the four teachers sat sipping coffee in the lounge, we said that we realized that the good kids finally won. Some of these students have been together since Kinder and have always been trouble. Those of you that teach know that this is some weird phenomenon that occurs; some years it seems like the whole group is just off. But we were so thankful that we had decided to do the trip regardless of how many had to stay behind, because those that earned the trip really deserved it. and throughout the trip we heard the kids talking about it and how the ones left behind should have just obeyed and turned in work and followed the criteria. It was wonderful watching the students 'get it' that we cared and wanted to recognize those students who worked hard. There has even been a change since we've been back. They know they've 'won', whether they realize that's what they know or not. I can almost say that seeing that reward on their faces at the end of the day was worth some of the battles. It felt good to pump up kids that have had to battle the negativity all year.
Yeah!! Being good is GREAT!! :)

not enough pay

Today I am battling the feeling of "It's not worth it". I am so sick of argumentative, apathetic, disrespectful, ingrateful kids that need a good swift kick in the butt and a huge dose of reality. Where are the parents??? And do they care??? I know some of them don't!! Do they realize what terrible citizens they are cultivating? And what about the public educational system? 'No Child Left Behind'????? We ARE leaving children behind when we allow them to continue in their current behavior, not only hurting their opportunity to learn, but also distracting others'! Why can't we train some former marines in education (many of them are already) and develop a boot camp of sorts where kids go when they've already been suspended, retained, put in alternative school, and their behavior continues on??? Can't we do something for these kids before we see another Columbine?? I'm so sick of it!! There are so many good kids that have been taught to be respectful and want to learn. We're doing these kids an injustice as well when we're constantly having to watch our back and look for bad behavior. And then they get a tiny slap on the wrist, because administration's hands are apparantly tied. It's just ridiculous.
And today is not the day for me to discuss it. Now that I've vomitted....

slight obsession

I want a new house. So badly. What's worse is that I know what I want and we are close to getting it. Relatively. We are planning on building a new house. And we've seen the floor plan we want. We've been in it. I love it!!!!!!!! (http://betenbough.com/find_your_home/plans.aspx?Plan=Mirella&Region=Odessa) Although I know when we finally get in it (hopefully before Christmas), I'll feel like it's unreal that it's ours. I feel like a dream is about to come true. It excites me, but I have lots to do before we move in. We have to do a few upkeep things to our house, sell it, move out, and probably have to live somewhere temporarily before we close on the new one. There's so much to do within that little sentence!! I want to have a yard sale, and have debated on whether or not to do it before we list the house or after we sell. I think I'm going to do it before. And there will be things we'll want to sell even after we sell. I'd like to sell the couch, recliner, table and chairs, hutch and buffet, not to mention several small things. The small things I can sell before. The large things will have to stay in order for the house to be somewhat 'staged'. I figure I could always have 2 yard sales. I realize that once I start packing, there will be things I'll find that I wouldn't mind getting rid of. I'm so ready to do this; I find myself thinking about it quite often throughout the day!!!!!!! Here I am at school, and we're in the computer lab. My students are working on some Social Studies projects, so I have a little time on my hands. ARGHHHHH!! I'm in the mood to pack some things away and sort out yard sale stuff. And yet I'm here at school; by the time I get home I doubt I'll still feel like sorting. My house feels cramped and messy - and even when we clean things up, I know that there's clutter somewhere because we've had to move things around and into another room in order to have the front looking clean. I'm ready to create my master suite/sanctuary. Ah, to have my own bathroom in my bedroom. I can hardly wait!! And to have a kitchen that has more than 8 cabinets!! And to have a pantry!! Heaven for me!!!! :) Oh, and a garage!! What delight!! And closets that are walk-in!! and a closet in the front and near the main bathroom!! And a covered patio out back! Oh, I'm so ready!! I'm hoping to get some things ready on the house and have it listed before June is over. Then it's a matter of risk-taking -- do we go ahead and order our new house, or wait until we close? So many choices. I'd rather be making the ordering choices -- what color and type of carpet, tile, cabinets, counter tops, brick, plus any additional features. Then we can purchase some new things after we close and move in: refrigerator, dining table and chairs, living room furniture, bedroom suit, etc., etc., etc.
I'm slightly obsessed. I'm just so ready to see this particular dream become a reality. Poor Malcolm would be sick and tired of my rantings if he heard more than what he already has to put up with. That's why I'm blogging this today. I needed to purge a little.

Choices

Here I am in the last days of school. What a crazy year this has been!! And yesterday was horrible. Did a kid do something awful? Nothing above the norm. But their teacher.... she just had an atitude malfunction. Whew. I should have stayed in bed. But, not an option was that. Therefore, I came to school. And I feel myself just doing the same old, same old. We have a certain schedule we have to manage. I have to do all the routine responsibilities that come with managing a classroom (beyond the actual teaching), and I find myself just being routine. Check off breakfast, read silently, see who isn't here, take them to their fine arts class, drink some coffee, laugh with the gals, take care of some business, go potty, pick them up, keep them busy until lunch, eat my lunch, go potty, pick them up, keep them busy until orchestra and junior vips, take them over to another classroom so I can do dismissal duty. Blah, blah, blah, blah, blah. I find myself counting down the days until it's done. This is perfectly normal and okay, except for my attitude. That's the part that stinks. And it's all my responsibility. It's all my choice. I can either let things bring me down, or I can choose to deal with them head on and them move to the next thing. I can either get bored with what I'm doing, or I can choose to actually enjoy the enjoyable kids while they're in my room. Instead of saying that there are only 2 Mondays and 16 days of school to go, I can choose to say that I have 16 more days to leave a positive impact on my students and teach them some more new concepts. It's really up to me and my choices. Can I go on in the same old routine? Sure. That's my choice. I also believe that that's the easy way out. It's easy to gripe. It's easy to look at the blaring negatives. It's easy to 'woe is me' and feel horrible so I can brag about how bad I have it. This comes easily for me, and I have to fight it. It does no good for me and my personal health, or for my family and friends who have to absorb some of it. So I choose. I don't want the same old, same old. I love to have a good time and enjoy where I'm at and what I'm doing. I look forward to a good laugh and like to think about exciting times yet to be experienced. I choose to change my attitude. I even have a poster in the front of my classroom that I pass hundreds of times a day: Attitude is a little thing that makes a big difference. I need to choose to take that in instead of just reading it when I pass.
This morning on the way to work, I heard this song again, and didn't really think about all of the lyrics. It's been playing in my mind ever since, though. So while I had a little break, I decided to look the lyrics up online. They are, of course, very pertinent to my epiphany about choice today.

This might hurt
it's not safe
But I know that I’ve gotta make a change
I don’t care If I break
At least I’ll be feeling something
‘Cause just ok
Is not enough
Help me fight through the nothingness of life

I don’t wanna go through the motions
I don’t wanna go one more day
Without Your all consuming passion inside of me
I don’t wanna spend my whole life asking
What if I had given everything?
Instead of going through the motions

No regrets
Not this time
I’m gonna let my heart defeat my mind
Let Your love
Make me whole
I think I’m finally feeling something

I don’t wanna go through the motions
I don’t wanna go one more day
Without Your all consuming passion inside of me
I don’t wanna spend my whole life asking
What if I had given everything?
Instead of going through the motions

(The Motions, Matthew West)

Pink-eyes and state tests

I am done with my administration of the 2008-2009 TAKS testing for the 6th grade. YEAH!!! Yesterday we did Math and today we did Reading. My kids were done right before lunch, so this afternoon we watched Narnia. We had to stay quiet for other rooms still had students testing. Tomorrow the school is still 'shut down' but we don't have to test. Which is great! I just might have to stay at home with Caitlyn. She has pink-eye. And the bacterial kind, so Malcolm had to take her to the doctor yesterday in order to get antibiotic drops. We knew what we had to get, but had to pay $74 in order for a doctor to tell us and write a prescription. This started Monday afternoon -- she told me on the way home from school that her eye hurt. At supper, though, we saw that it looked really pink and was starting to gunk. I looked online at some stuff, and figured she had pink eye. By the time we put her to bed it wasn't looking too good. When she got up yesterday morning, it was very puffy and had very nasty gunk in it. She stayed home yesterday and Daddy took her to the doctor (having to wait an hour and a half...). Her eye began to look a lot better throughout the day, but we knew she probably needed an antibiotic. He wanted us to keep her from school today, but we figured she'd be able to go. Yet, this morning it had spread to the other eye which was much darker pink but not as much gunk. Here was my dilemma -- Malcolm flew out this morning for San Antonio. I knew she couldn't go to school, but I couldn't stay home -- I had to administer this test. So I called on our great friend, Kate, who was going to be taking Andrew to Mother's Day Out and picking him up. She agreed to take on Caitlyn and her eyes. I love good friends!!! :) She took her own toys to play with, with instructions that she is not to touch anything at their house. I'm hoping and praying her eyes are better in the morning. I'm not sure I can get the day off. I have to go home and disinfect everything.
I'm ready for that to be over as well, and hope that no one else in the house gets it.

apathy

I really wonder why some people just seem not to care. Across the entire 6th grade I'm involved in teaching, I'd say a good 60-70% act as if they just don't care. They don't do their work; we threaten them with different things, carry them out, and they still don't do their work. We talk to them about all the benefits and responsibilities, etc., etc., etc. They still don't seem to care. And then, of course, some of the parents don't seem very worried about it either. It irritates me. How can you not care about your child's education and lack of concern to be a responsible, productive part of society? Do you really want them to sit on their behinds playing video games until the wee small hours of the morning until they're 37? Give me and the rest of the thinking world a break!
Yes, it's Monday afternoon. Once again I find myself battling the 'why give so much effort when they don't care' attitude. Because of the kids that DO want to learn and DO want to make a difference and COULD grow up to be something wonderful.
I guess that's it for now. I could SO go on and on about other cases of apathy, but I don't care.

Just kidding. :)

Sixth Grade is not for weinies...

I remember sixth grade. That was the year that I hung out with the 'popular crowd' in the tiny town we lived in in NW Kansas. That was the year I dumped some other friends who had taken in this new kid the year before and made her feel welcome. That was the year my mouth spoke some colorful words I was not raised to speak. That was a tough year.
And yet a refining year, looking back at it now. It took seventh grade to finish that particular process, but I learned some things about myself. I learned that I am not always respectful to every teacher. We had a Reading teacher, Mrs. Jones, who was a little 'off' for lack of a better word. Anytime someone kept sniffing, she would loudly exclaim, "Have a blow!" in her somewhat grating voice (something I would NOT say in my classroom today, by the way) indicating that we were to get a kleenex and blow our nose. So one day a 'petition' of sorts went around throughout the day, stating that promptly at 2 o'clock we that were in Reading at the time would begin to sniff. And repeatedly. Then, when Jones gave her annoying refrain, we would all get up and head to the kleenex box. I, of course, decided to place my John Hancock on this incriminating sheet, which was found, no less, in a trash can IN JONES' ROOM. Who the genius was that made that decision, I don't remember, but we were caught.
I also learned that I was not always respectful to other kids. I said some things about others that were rude. I know other things happened that year, too, but I don't remember all of them, and I don't want to go on and on.
Now I'm teaching sixth grade. I came back to 'the workforce' in order to get out of debt. If I was going to work full-time, I was going to do something I love. Something I have wanted to do my whole life. Something I use to play from as long as I can remember. So I came back to teaching. Now, when I first started teaching in 2000, I taught first grade. They didn't always wipe their noses, know how to get their pants zipped and buttoned, know how to tie their shoes, or that booger-eating wasn't acceptable. They loved their teacher, and cried when they got in trouble. Now, I'm not saying I was thrilled at all of this behavior, but now I'm facing emerging hormones, back-talking, tongue-clicking, cussing at students and teachers alike, theft, destruction of other's property, lying, apathy about grades and bad behavior, temper tantrums, kids that are taller/bigger than me, and I'm sure I'm forgetting some other things. I have never been talked to so rudely by someone 20+ years my junior. I have been discouraged over the future and prayed feverishly over my own children, hoping that they will never act like what I've seen or be hurt by kids such as I've encountered. I have cried. I have yelled. I have been silent. I have been depressed. I have whined. Boy, have I whined. But I have suffered through. And I have questioned whether or not I want to do this another year, or ever again. Yet I keep trying to see the good, respectful kids through all of the negative haze. I remember thinking at the first of the year after just a few bad incidents, "I wouldn't want Caitlyn to be in a class with bad students and be punished over and over again for their bad choices." In February, I had to attend the last of several days for new teachers. My prinicipal asked me to attend these at the beginning of the year, and I respectfully did as I was told, although begrudgingly. I'm not a brand new teacher, but I'll do what my boss tells me. Two of the other days throughout the year I missed because of being out of town and the flu. This last day I wanted to go because the author of a book on first year teaching was going to be there, and I was interested to see what all she was going to say. Plus, I was looking forward to not being in my classroom all day. The whole day was basically based on thinking through our vision and mission for teaching school. Now, at this point of the year (and week for that matter) was a very low point for me. I was seriously questionning whether or not to teach next year. I don't HAVE to teach. We could get money a different way. Why teach if I'm going to be treated the way I'm being treated by 11 and 12 year olds? I don't deserve it and it's not worth it. The whole day was great and inspiring for me. I was definitely at a fork, and needed some direction to make my decision. This day was, I believe, divinely appointed. The basic highlights for me:
*The speaker/facilitator (Ginger Tucker) talked about her grandkids and how unique and individual they are. Two of them are the ideal students every teacher wants in her class. They love school; they do their work and turn it in on time; they are caring to others; they respect and care about the teacher; they are wonderful. Caitlyn is just like this. She adores Mrs. Evans, her teacher. She loves school and wants to make us and teacher proud. So Ginger had me. I understood what she was saying about these kids, because that's my daughter! And then she took a meaningful breath and looked at all of us and said, "Teachers, don't forget about these kids. By this point in the year, it's easy to overlook the ones that never cause any ripples. But they still need your attention." And my heart sunk a little more than it already had. I was forgetting and overlooking the positive aspects in my classroom. We have some great students in our grade level, but the negative ones are so obvious and overshadowing. I reminded myself that I didn't want Caitlyn getting punished for others' bad behavior. And I shouldn't punish someone else's baby for others' bad choices.
*We had to think about why we came into teaching (something I think should be revisited every few years of teaching), and create a vision/mission statement. I did some crying that day. We ended the day by going around the room and sharing our statements. I cried the whole time I shared. This has been a tough year. I'm different than when I taught before. Now I'm a parent, and that brings a whole new perspective on things. I'm also older and seen a little more life. It's also way different than first grade. I also view this as temporary for a time. And at this point in the year, I had had some really tough situations to go through. I was being refined again through sixth grade, only this time I was the teacher. I decided to teach another year. After that? We'll see what happens next year. Lots of life is still to be lived. But I need to focus on the here and now. And for such a time as this, God has placed me here, with these kids, and I am to do my job to the best of my ability. I believe in teaching. I love doing it. And I have to remember my why:
My personal teaching mission is to create an environment in my classroom where every student feels valued, learning is contagious, and mistakes are viewed as learning opportunities; in a way that encourages learning, perseverance, and confidence; so that my students are successful now and in the future; because I believe that every child holds potential to do something great and meaningful.

Sixth grade is not for weinies. It can hurt. It can make you question yourself and what you thought you believed and held true to. But, like when I was a student, I hope I come out better on the other end of this year. Refinement hurts. But it brings out beauty.

Caffeine...

So, I believe I'm officially addicted. One of our local news stations ran a story on last night's newscast about caffeine addictions. Of course, they had an interview with a lady that drank
AT LEAST 10 cups of coffee throughout the day!! I'm not that bad, but I have developed a love of coffee since I've been back to teaching this year. How do I take mine? I need some sugar and creamer. Lots. Our school is at a certain economic status, so we get free breakfast every morning. They serve skim milk with that, so every other day, I take one of the cartons and use about half of it to heat up and add sugar and coffee to. LOOOOOVE THIS!!! Today, alas, I was not able to get my coffee this morning. I also decided to only drink water throughout the day, therefore not drinking any Dr. Pepper (a.k.a. life juice). I came home with a headache. I had to go to the store to get buns for hot dogs (teen night, so easy peasy supper...) and picked up a 2 liter of DP. Guess what? My head hurts less. Interesting. Addiction? I think so. And I have to honestly say that if I had to give up one or the other, as of today it would be the DP. I know! I've shocked myself! But I just love hitting the teachers' lounge in the morning with my gals and getting a mug of steamin' milky sweet coffee. Ahhhh... Just thinkin' about it makes me want to put on a pot.
So,
Hi.
My name is Christy.
And I'm a caffeine-aholic.

Hi, Christy.

Hello, Blogspot!

It is 'Blogspot', right? I just now realize I'm not so sure of the name! :) I started signing up on this with full intent to blog something deep and profound, and now I sit here beginning my nightly crash (yes, it's almost 9 p.m.) and can't think of much to say. I couldn't seem to come up with a great name for my blogspot, so I guess my spot title says much about my typing for this particular blog. Or am I just thinking.....? Not about much, apparantly!
The whole point for getting my own 'spot' was to begin blogging/journaling again. I had a mySpace account where I did some of that, but it was upkeep I didn't want to mess with. I have a Facebook and prefer that to connect with people. So I cancelled my 'space' and now have a 'spot'. I'm hoping to use this a little more frequently and be able to express some thoughts in order to relieve a little stress. We'll see how it works out.
That's it for now. Don't get too inspired....