Whining..

Don't bother with reading this - I just need to vomit a little.

I'm so down right now. There's so many details I'm not going to go into, because I really don't care if anyone reads this... I just need to get some off my chest. I feel like I'm imploding. This whole listening thing is taking me some places that I don't want to hear about myself. It's also dangerous territory, because the enemy of my soul is attacking my mind.
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Right now I'm very low on myself - feelings of failure, of not being who and where I want to be. I feel like I'm failing at work, or am below the standard I want for myself. I have some tough discipline problems this year and have been recently told I could have handled it all better. Yeah, I could have ( I will readily admit to my fault in this, with my anger issues and all...), but I'm also not these children's parent.... Not going to go any farther on that subject...
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I could be a better mother. Some days I'm so tired of dealing with other people's kids that I have to really work hard at coming home and listening to all that my own children want to tell me. These are two precious precious little human beings that are growing so fast and learning so much. I should be more attentive and thankful for them.
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I could definitely be a better wife and cheerleader. I don't consistently take care of things at home so that my wonderful hard-working husband doesn't have to. I don't think I listen to him enough or attentively enough.
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I'm not that great of a friend. I had to apologize very recently for carrying teasing too far just because it was getting some laughs from others. Feel like I'm in high school again. How stupid. And I don't keep up with my friends like I wish I did. It's not that I don't care or am interested, I just... I don't even know. And that's a problem in itself.
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I'm not doing things at Grace Point like I feel I should be. I know the help that we need, and some of my 'talents' could help fill in gaps, but I just don't know how to do some things and/or can't seem to do it to the level that's needed, or whatever. So I don't feel like much help and how great is that when I'm the planter's wife? Where is my part in it all??
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Today has been one of the lowest days in a while, but I've been a downhill slope for several weeks. Some stuff I've bottled up, and I guess it just festered, until a huge slap of humility at work just tore a hole in my facade. Pride does come before a fall I guess.
I'm just praying that through so much brokenness, my Father can make something beautiful from these ashes.