into the unknown

 Something has been brewing. I've been learning some new things and have been asked to step into a new 'role'. Honestly, the farther I enter, the more I feel that it is just the natural next step for me.  I just didn't know it was coming. 

A few months ago, I reached out to my chiropractor's office in regards to a part time job position being advertised.  Our family has been a part of this 'village' for 9 years now, and I've always thought it would be a fun place to work. The advertised position had already been filled, but my chiropractor set up a time to chat about something else she was thinking about that she thought I might be interested in. After several discussions and much prayer, I have decided to jump in with both feet.  I will be learning how to run a new technology at the office and guide people into optimizing their health through earning a Holistic Health Coach certification.  !!   As I have been researching and discussing and seeking and working to thrive in my own personal health journey (physical but also emotional, mental, and spiritual) for the last 18 years, this seems to continue my searching but in a more focused setting.  AND now I get to walk alongside others and help them search for ways to thrive in their own journeys.  This just fits!  And yet there is so much I still have to learn. 

Many emotions have surfaced since being offered this opportunity. Doubt of my ability to learn and process and fulfill. Fear of failure. Worry about not doing the 'right' thing or being the 'right' person for this role. Leaving the teaching field was a tough choice.  There was much that went into the decision, but I struggled for years with what that meant about and for me. I had dreamed of being a teacher since I was little. It was the right decision for me to leave, though. I just haven't found any job that held as much meaning for me outside of my volunteer work.  But that just feels like who I am instead of what I do. This new adventure feels like a bit of both!  So I am also feeling much excitement! Feelings of honor, gratitude, pride.... It's been a bit of a roller coaster of emotions, especially after the Lord humbled me recently to let me know I still needed to work on some specific thoughts (that's for another blog post). 

This role and job are in the dreaming stage.  It may stay there for quite some time as we see what all I will/can/should do for clients as they come to see me.  Dreams can be funny things. They can be warnings. They can be visions. They can prepare or distract. They can uplift or tear down. If I'm honest with myself, I've been dreaming for awhile.  I've been trying to figure out some of my purpose.  I know pieces, and am confident in those areas, but I kept feeling like something was lacking the last several years.  I had no idea what that might be.  But something kept nagging at me that I couldn't identify or name. I am feeling that I may have found the edges of that which is greater than me, that which has been waiting in the wings, that which has been preparing me for the correct time.  And so I step. Into the Unknown.  

And of course, my mind goes to music and lyrics that coordinate with my circumstances. Disney made yet more songs that resonate with me; Frozen 2 had fantastic music, and two songs hit me in a certain way, even back when we saw it in the theater:

(Into the Unknown)

I can hear you, but I won't  /  some look for trouble while others don't  /  there's a thousand reasons I should go about my day  /  and ignore your whispers which I wish would go away, oh.....

I'm sorry, secret siren, but I'm blocking out your calls  /  I've had my adventure, I don't need something new  /  I'm afraid of what I'm risking if I follow you

into the unknown...

what do you want?  /  'cause you've been keeping me awake  /  are you here to distract me so I make a big mistake?

or are you someone out there who's a little bit like me?  /  who knows deep down  I'm not where I'm meant to be?

every day's a little harder  as I feel my power grow  /  don't you know there's a part of me that longs to go

into the unknown

~And I believe the Unknown is turning into the hopeful thoughts of the lyrics to this next song, that I admit literally shook me when I first heard it, awakening a longing in me to step deeper into who I was created to be.... 

(Show Yourself)

every inch of me is trembling but not from the cold  /  something is familiar  /  like a dream I can reach but not quite hold  /  I can sense you there  /  like a friend I've always known  /  I'm arriving  /  and it feels like I am home

I have always been a fortress  /  cold secrets deep inside  /  you have secrets, too, but you don't have to hide

show yourself  /  I'm dying to meet you  /  show yourself  /  it's your turn  /  are you the one I've been looking for all of my life?  /  show yourself  /  I'm ready to learn

I've never felt so certain  /  all my life I've been torn  /  but I'm here for a reason  /  could it be the reason I was born?  /  I have always been so different  /  normal rules did not apply  /  is this the day?  /  are you the way  /  I finally find out why?

show yourself  /  I'm no longer trembling  /  here I am  /  I've come so far  /  you are the answer I've waited for all of my life  /  oh, show yourself  /  let me see who you are

come to me now  /  open your door  /  don't make me wait  /  one moment more 

....I am found!

show yourself  /  step into your power  /  throw yourself  /  into something new 

you are the one you've been waiting for all of your life  /  oh, show yourself

~~~~~

I am so glad that the truth of life is that we are on a journey, with curves and turns and alternate routes and bumps and smooth lanes.  And that there is a time and a place for certain stops and starts and adventures along the way, some of them expected and some of them a surprise.  

This is the next piece of my journey. There's a lot of Unknown about it, but here I go! 

seen

 I don’t really believe in coincidence. In our ‘refined’ yet detached first world society, we many times neglect the unseen spiritual world. Of course, that opinion stems from my view as a humbled student of the Holy Scriptures, knowing that I do not and will not know it all. I believe that there is one God that, outside of my human understanding, is active, omnipresent, and omniscient and yet also allows His creation to makes their own choices. This post is not intended to dive into that, as I tend to not be much of a debater or theologian, but to say that I do not believe in coincidence. I believe that my loving Father God guides me and reminds me in many ways that He sees me. 

Being seen by God has been a topic of sorts that has been woven into my last several months. It has come up in a set aside morning devoted to prayer and Scripture reading. It has come up in new and old songs I have heard. It has come up in devotional readings. It has come up in a recently attended conference. It has come up as wonderings during middle of night awakenings. It has come up in others’ struggles they have shared with me as friend or pastor wife. It has come up as a clouded theme in a show or book. It has come up as floating ponderings throughout a busy day. I would dare to say that followers and non-followers alike of a relatively ‘unseen God’ could deep down and sometimes at a more shallow level admit this inquiry of whether or not a Greater Being sees me.

This month has been CMT Awareness Month. CMT (Charcot-Marie-Tooth) is a hereditary nerve degenerative disease that runs in my maternal family. I won’t go into detail here, but to say that my youngest and I have it. We have the type and symptoms so far that are basically ‘invisible’ to the everyday eye. Thanks to science, we know that one of the proteins of one of our genes is duplicated. That can be seen through genetic testing, but not on the ‘outside’. I can show you X-rays that prove my baby has slight scoliosis in her spine (common to CMT bearers) that we have to keep an eye on. So that can be seen, but not on the ‘outside’.  I can show you my X-rays and MRI of my hips, which got me a diagnosis of mild hip dysplasia (also common to CMT bearers) that has worn down cartilage and such over 4 1/2 decades to create wear and tear and osteoarthritis. That can also be seen, but not on the ‘outside’. I can also prove my autoimmune thyroid condition through blood work results that can be seen on paper, but not written on my outside. I can describe to you how having invisible illnesses cause you worry, feelings of separation, loneliness, an urge to explain to everyone you meet what diagnoses you’ve received so they will understand why sometimes out of the blue you are exhausted or fatigued or aching or not able to participate or depressed or ….. Alas, these ‘troublings’ can sometimes be witnessed or seen, but generally only truly through description, which in itself can be limited, not to mention taxing. Many times it is just easier to back away and be… unseen.  It feels too hard and too tiring, and frankly, too unfair to have to put one’s self and explanations out there in order to be in relationship. There are days when I long for Someone to just KNOW. To see me in whatever physical, mental, emotional, spiritual state I am in at the moment and truly SEE ME. 

I have basically known Christ all of my life.  I am so very thankful for this truth. Not that I have been perfect and holy and trusting all of my days, but I cannot imagine not knowing deep down whether there is a God or not. It is just something I was first taught and have now many times over experienced that He is real, and He is good, and He is constant. And yet many times I have forgotten that HE SEES ME. Inside AND out. Intimately. For whatever reason, He created me with this duplicated protein gene. He put me in the family I am in. He gave me a tendency for thyroid issues. He guided my path to a certain guy who I ended up choosing and who chose me to spend our lives together. He has walked through my days with me. He walked through all these diagnoses I have received. He walked through all the disappointments and frustrations of self. He has sat with me during anxiety and depression and illness and despair when I was clinging to only a shred of the hope that I possess. When I lift my head and recall His faithfulness, I feel His seeing.  He knows me like no other. He loves me like no other. I can stop looking for so much affirmation and acceptance and understanding from human sources and recall how He has and is showing me that I am seen.  I am valued. I am known. I am loved. 

This blog ended up going in a bit of a different direction than with what I thought I was starting. But I’ll end with where my thinking was at the beginning of this post. The last several days I “just so happened” to be reading/listening through the Psalms. I had the thought this morning that the writer, King David, may have had an ‘invisible illness’. It’s pretty evident that he was a feeler, expressing his roller coaster emotions through writing. Listening to his expressive and creative journaling over the last few days has dovetailed into the ponderings of my own personal journey and struggles and learnings.  He has penned what my heart has felt and come back around after spewing his emotional thoughts, to praising the God who made him, knowing that without Him, there is no hope; knowing that the only way to truly live and thrive is to follow Him and worship Him in Spirit and in Truth. Just reading Psalm 102 shows this dichotomy of thought. But here are just a few of many verses that hit me over the last few weeks…

Answer me when I call to You, O God who declares me innocent. Free me from my troubles. Have mercy on me and hear my prayer. (4;1)

O Lord, hear me as I pray; pay attention to my groaning. Listen to my cry for help, my King and my God, for I pray to no one, but You. Listen to my voice in the morning, Lord. Each morning I bring my request to You and wait expectantly. (5:1-3)

Have compassion on me, Lord, for I am weak. Heal me, Lord, for my bones are in agony. I am sick at heart. How long, oh Lord, until You restore me? (6:2-3)

I am worn out from sobbing. All night I slept in my bed with weeping, drenching it with my tears. My vision is blurred by grief; my eyes are worn out… (6:6-7)

Oh Lord, why do You sound so far away? Where do You hide when I am in trouble? (10:1) 

Oh, Lord, how long will You forget me? Forever? How long will You look the other way? How long as I struggle with anguish in my soul, with sorrow in my heart every day? How long will my enemy {illness} have the upper hand? Turn and answer me, O Lord, my God! Restore the sparkle to my eyes, or I will die. Don’t let my enemies gloat, saying, “We have defeated him!” Don’t let them rejoice at my downfall. But I trust in Your unfailing love. I will rejoice because You have rescued me. I will sing to the Lord because He is good to me. (13)

But You, O Lord, are a shield around me; You are my glory, the One who holds my head high… (3:3)

I lay down and slept, yet I woke up in safety, for the Lord was watching over me. (3:5)

I know the Lord is always with me. I will not be shaken, for He is right beside me. No wonder my heart is glad, and I rejoice. My body rests in safety. For You will not leave my soul among the dead or allow Your holy one to rot in the grave. You will show me the way of life, granting me the joy of Your presence and the pleasures of living with You forever. (16‬:‭8‬-‭11‬)

Unless the Lord had helped me, I would soon have settled in the silence of the grave. I cried out, “I am slipping!” but Your unfailing love, O Lord, supported me. When doubts filled my mind, Your comfort gave me renewed hope and cheer. But the Lord is my fortress; my God is the mighty rock where I hide. (94‬:‭17‬-‭19‬, 27)

The ropes of death entangled me; floods of destruction swept over me. The grave wrapped its ropes around me; death laid a trap in my path. But in my distress I cried out to the Lord; yes, I prayed to my God for help. He heard me from His sanctuary; my cry to Him reached His ears. He reached down from heaven and rescued me; He drew me out of deep waters. He rescued me from my powerful enemies, from those who hated me and were too strong for me. They attacked me at a moment when I was in distress, but the Lord supported me. He led me to a place of safety; He rescued me because He delights in me. God’s way is perfect. All the Lord’s promises prove true. He is a shield for all who look to Him for protection. For who is God except the Lord? Who but our God is a solid rock? He makes me as surefooted as a deer, enabling me to stand on mountain heights. He trains my hands for battle; He strengthens my arm to draw a bronze bow. You have given me Your shield of victory. Your right hand supports me; Your help has made me great. You have made a wide path for my feet to keep them from slipping. (18‬:‭4‬-‭6‬, ‭16‬-‭19‬, ‭30‬-‭31‬, ‭33‬-‭36‬) ‭

The Lord is a shelter for the oppressed, a refuge in times of trouble. Those who know Your name trust in You, for You, oh, Lord, do not abandon those who search for You. (9:9-10)

When I look at the night sky and see the work of Your fingers, the moon and the stars You set in place. What are mere mortals that You should think about them, human beings that You should care for them? (8:3-4)

I will praise You, Lord, with all my heart; I will tell of the marvelous things You have done. I will be filled with joy because of You. I will sing praises to Your name, O Most High. (9:1-2)

The Lord’s promises are pure, like silver refined in a furnace, purified seven times over. (12:6)

Lord, through all the generations You have been our home! Teach us to realize the brevity of life, so that we may grow in wisdom. Satisfy us each morning with Your unfailing love, so we may sing for joy to the end of our lives. Give us gladness in proportion to our former misery! Replace the evil years with good. Let us, Your servants, see You work again; let our children see Your glory. And may the Lord our God show us His approval and make our efforts successful. Yes, make our efforts successful! (90‬:‭1‬, ‭12‬, ‭14‬-‭17‬) ‭

This I declare about the Lord: He alone is my refuge, my place of safety; He is my God, and I trust Him. The Lord says, “I will rescue those who love Me. I will protect those who trust in My name. When they call on Me, I will answer; I will be with them in trouble. I will rescue and honor them. (91‬:‭2‬, ‭14‬-‭15‬) ‭

The Lord is my rock, my fortress, and my savior; my God is my rock, in whom I find protection. He is my shield, the power that saves me, and my place of safety. (18‬:‭2‬)

Thank You, Father, Redeemer, Healer, Friend, for seeing me.

legacy

 legacy (noun) - the long-lasting impact of particular events, actions, etc. that took place in the past, or of a person’s life; 

-something that is passed on; 

-practices that are handed down from the past by tradition; 

-something that happens or exists as a result of things that happened at an earlier time; 

-something that somebody has done successfully, and that has positive effects even after they retire or die

I’m feeling lots of things this morning. Gratitude. Love. Some wistfulness. Grief. Longing. Challenge. Conviction. Joy. Gratitude (again, lots of it). Contentment.

Yesterday, Malcolm and I traveled down to Houston with two of our amazing older Saints from our church here in Dallas. We were heading down to attend the 70th birthday dinner of our college alma mater. It was located at a restaurant that used to be the West 11th First Church of God, that had also served as the Gulf Coast Bible College chapel while it was located there. My dad and three different uncles attended the college while it was down in Houston. The college moved up to Oklahoma City in the early 80s, and became Mid-America Bible College where some cousins, my sister, and my brother-in-law studied. I attended in the late 90s. Our oldest daughter is now attending there at Mid-America Christian University. I was actually born while dad was finishing his degree in the late 70s at GBC. One could say I have deep ties there. 😉 I don’t know how many times I’ve actually been to that Houston location when it was a church building, but I do remember being there with the college choir in the spring of 1996 while we were on our tour.

Unfortunately, as happens to many churches in America lately, for multiple reasons, the church closed and was sold and now is a beautiful restaurant. For the 70th birthday of the college institution, the administration rented out the restaurant and we had a delicious meal there last night with a big group of former alumni. It was wonderful to hear the different stories and memories that people had, especially of the beloved Saints we brought with us from Dallas. I’m still trying to process out all that I am feeling and thinking, as it was such a deep and impactful time  to participate in.

My great grandfather Robinson fell to his knees on a road in a small town in Missouri, filled with conviction that he needed to follow the one true God that he had been fighting and mocking. My great grandmother had been attending a local tent revival that had come through, and the Holy Spirit was heavy upon the family. There are many more details, but this is where the story and legacy of our family’s faith journey started. I could go on and on with stories, but my great grandpa became a preacher. He ministered to many, even those in prison, baptizing believers in creeks and lakes. As they say, the rest is history. 

His oldest son walked down a church aisle in his adulthood when he recognized that he could be living a better life by following a gracious Savior. In his 50s, he decided to also become a preacher. He was a Grandpa who was loud about his faith, making sure we all knew how much he longed for us to become followers of Jesus and that he and Grandma prayed for each of us by name every day.  He loved people and left an impact on many. He definitely left an impact on me, but through the years I have met people that share simple stories with me that proves he was a loving pastor. Last night I got to meet someone who had been a young person in a church that he served at in Mississippi. She made sure to let me know that when he first came to their church, she hadn’t given her life to Christ yet, but found herself immersed in my grandpa’s sermons, intently listening, and ultimately seeking salvation. The rest is… history.

My grandpa‘s oldest son, who became my father, also felt a call to become a pastor when he was a teenager. That didn’t come to fruition until later, after he had tried college once, decided to join the Navy for a few years, met and married my mother. He struggled with his calling while they were beginning their lives together, and eventually gave in and went back down to Houston to finish his degree in ministry. I could say the rest is history, and it is, but there’s so much to it as with all history. For 46+ years now I have received encouragement and compliments from my daddy basically every time I see him. I never questioned his love for me. He was also technically my first pastor, and even though it confuses people, I always wanted to be a pastor’s wife. I watched my parents serve the greater church my whole life. Were they perfect? Of course not, as none of us are. But they wanted others to see how their lives could be better by walking with Jesus.

From the time I was little, I knew that I wanted to attend the same college my dad and several family members had. I barely looked at any other college while I was in high school. I was determined to get to Mid-America. My college years were…… formative. There were amazing highs and crippling lows. There were lessons learned and friendships begun and classes passed and futures dreamed. Not many people know that during the fall semester of my third year, I had almost decided to quit school and move back to San Antonio with some family friends and get a job at Fiesta Texas. I never had quite the nerve or real desire to fully go through with it, and I never told anyone for several years. At the end of that semester, I went on my first date with a scrawny kid from Tennessee. He was not like most guys I had dated, which was actually probably the best thing for me! 🤪 Later that summer after a break up, we got back together, knowing that we were probably going to make this a lifetime commitment. The next summer we made that commitment public at our wedding. And again, the rest is history…. that we are still making.

Now, our oldest child is in her third year at Mid-America Christian University. She is also studying ministry, but how that will end up looking is still in the works. For her to be there and thriving and enjoying life there immensely, makes my mama heart extremely proud and warm.

Thinking through the 70 years that the college has been around and the impact it has had on people which then has had a ripple effect impact on the world, I feel so thankful. No institution does everything right all of the time, and no professor or administrator is a perfect person. The college has had ups and downs. It has made mistakes. There has been at least one time that it was unknown if it could financially continue. But I believe the hand of God is on this sacred place. The 5th president began his term last year. I believe each president has served his time and place for specific reasons. As we spoke with the president and his sweet wife last night, it hit me again that God really does work for our benefit. He directs God-following people to benefit the Kingdom. I am excited to witness what God will have this current president help Him accomplish, and pray in that vein. 

I also have been thinking of all the people I know that have a connection to the college - either friends of my dad’s or my husband’s, or people I’ve met that are also alumni, or my own relationships I developed during my time there. So much richness in my life is through these connections. What an incredible fortune I am privileged to claim! I could go on and on about the memories we were reminded of or heard about, or the many ‘little’ influences both Malcolm and I had over the years we spent at GBC/MBC/MACU. Last night was one of those sacred moments that remind me not only what I love about the Christian faith and the Church of God family, but also give me a little glimpse of what heaven will feel like.

So this morning I have been sipping my coffee, relaxing in my hammock, and thinking through what last night’s experience means to me. The impact of my family heritage as well as so many wonderful humans increases my gratefulness to overflowing measures. It makes me think and give thanks for the amazing legacy I have been given, and challenges me to continue and do even greater at leaving a legacy to my kids and others.

(Enjoy this beaut of my family celebrating the centennial of the Church of God Reformation Movement)

 

discontent

 I’ve decided to get back into the blogging world. Not sure why, but I keep feeling the tug. It’s a good practice of journaling for me, and for some reason I feel compelled to share. I don’t like being this vulnerable - I like keeping the exterior of me looking somewhat polished and together. These are posts of what is going on in my head - I had originally, years ago, titled this blog “just thinking”, and then changed it to “just listening”. I still feel that I’m listening - to myself, to others, to my Heavenly Father… all while thinking. I think a lot. I guess at 46 years of age, I’m willing to admit that I overthink. So keeping the name at “listening” is a good reminder. 

I wrote out this next piece for a ladies’ gathering at church a couple of months ago.  I had thought I was ‘over it’, but today I’m fighting the SUCK of discontentment. So I decided to reread what I wrote and fight against it again. I will never be absolutely perfect, and as I read over some old blog posts this morning, I could see how I need to come back to lessons learned throughout my life. I chose not to get discouraged (although it did cross my mind to think what a loser I am) about the fact that there are some things I struggle with again and again. I chose instead to recognize cycles and struggles and decide what to do about them. So here is my current struggle, written out in June.

I have been struggling with a cloud of discontent.  I am unsure of the exact root cause, but I can see how comparison feeds into it. Comparing my current house and its flaws and floorplan to the house we got to build in Odessa about 13 years ago. 

Comparing my body to someone else’s that I see online, or even to what it was a year ago. 

Comparing my kid’s apathy to someone else’s kid’s initiative. 

Comparing my thinning hair to someone’s full and luscious locks, especially women that are older than me. 

Comparing my decision and inability to work full-time to a mom and a wife that can and does. 

Comparing my teeth and their current state to someone’s white, straight choppers. 

Comparing this and that and her and him and them and those,

 and the list goes on and on. 

See, younger sisters, even those of us that are considered middle-aged and may seem to have all things ‘together’ can be sucked into the spiral of discontent and comparison. It is a dangerous trap. Even when we have “been there, done that”, sometimes the enemy works on our minds to try to draw us back into this murky, depressing pit, where the only exit is OUT 

and the sides get slimy and slick, 

and it gets hard to see through the clutter of demanding TASKS 

and needy OTHERS 

and noisy SHOULDS. 

Recognizing that the discontent is there, and knowing that I must combat it, becomes a roadblock on my journey that frustrates me just as a traffic jam grates on the nerves of the traveler, needing to get to a set appointment. We can look at the map on our phones and see the annoying red line that shows that the major slow down that we are stuck in will eventually end, but it is hard to truly know when the speed will for sure pick back up, and we will be blissfully traveling along with good music playing and our body in a much more relaxed state without every little thing getting on our last nerve. I know there is an end to this season. I have traversed this space before. But when I am in the in-between, THIS is where things can get Tricky. 

Cloudy. 

Frustrating. 

Irritating. 

Murky. 

Painful. 

Exhausting. 

THIS is where Mental and Spiritual and Emotional combat must happen. THIS is where prayer gets HARD and REPETITIVE and sometimes feels MONOTONOUS. This is where Romans 7 seems to be playing out in my mind like closed captions across the bottom of the screen of my vision, whether my eyelids are closed or open. As stated in The Message, 

“I am full of myself. What I don’t understand…. is that I decide one way, but then I act another, doing things I absolutely despise. So if I can’t be trusted to figure out what is best for myself and then do it, it becomes obvious that God‘s command is necessary. But I need something MORE! For I know the law, but still can’t keep it, and if the power of sin within me keeps sabotaging my best intentions, I obviously need help! I realize that I don’t have what it takes. I can WILL it, but I can’t DO it. I decide to do good, but I don’t really do it; I decide not to do bad, but then I do it anyway. My decisions, such as they are, don’t result in actions. Something has gone wrong deep within me and gets the better of me every time. It happens so regularly that it’s predictable. The moment I decide to do good, sin is there to trip me up. I truly delight in God‘s commands, but it’s pretty obvious that not all of me joins in that delight. Parts of me covertly rebel, and just when I least expect it, they take charge. I’ve tried everything and nothing helps. I’m at the end of my rope.”  

Now, some of us know how that chapter and lament finishes – that Jesus Christ can help and He does. But let me continue to be honest - knowing that truth and recalling that truth does not mean an immediate lifting of this cloud of discontent. 

So now I’m here. In this in-between space of recognizing the discontent and the outside escape from the pit. I don’t want to stay here, and I’ve lived enough life and gone through enough spirals to know it can & will pass. So I know it will take time and action and a whole lot of God to get through. Another discontent I recognize is the discontent to travel through this season doing the ‘same ol’, same ol’.’ That brings me here - in a posture of 

“How do I not just survive and get through this, but how do I THRIVE? 

How do I LEARN from this? 

How do I still find JOY? 

How do I come out BETTER than I came in? 

How do I FIND and CREATE tools and strategies to come back the next time I feel the spiral sucking me back in?”

So I look to see what the word discontent means. Miriam Webster defines ‘discontent’ as “dissatisfied; lack of satisfaction with one’s possessions, status, or situation; a sense of grievance; restless aspiration for improvement.” My next steps, then, are to examine these definitions; to look at synonyms and see what strikes me. “restless aspiration for improvement” made me say WHOA.  I plan to sit with that over the next while, letting it marinate, and allowing the Spirit to bring things to mind. I need to carve out ‘me time’ to put pen to paper and write out what I feel or see or have been thinking in regards to “restless aspirations for improvement”. 

What am I restless about? 

What am I aspiring to? 

What do I think needs improvement? 

Then I need to get practical and think and process and evaluate. One thing I can think of right away that has been percolating in the corner of my mind has been to compare thoughts and desired actions to Philippians 4:8. The NLT says it like this, 

“Fix your thoughts on what is true, and honorable, and right, and pure, and lovely, and admirable. Think about things that are excellent and worthy of praise.” 

I see this as a perfect and highly suitable place to start. After journaling out my honest and real desires, I can hold them up to these standards. And then I can work at laying these things at Jesus’s feet. Maybe even doing something symbolic like burning a list or getting prostrate on the floor or whatever helps me to visualize giving my discontent to God and asking for his help. And as I plan all this ACTION out, 

He reminds me that ultimately, He is in control.  

That ultimately, He is the one who changes my heart. 

That, even as I work to rid myself of discontent, I am still living in a fallen world. 

I am still human. 

There will be no magic pill. 

That sometimes He gives automatic and seemingly perfect solutions, and sometimes He just walks along with us. 

He reminds me that He has been through this type of season Himself; that He’s been with me, through all my seasons; 

that He is my place of PEACE in the storm, 

my guiding LIGHT through darkness, 

and my PATH out of the pit. 

He reminds me that in this world I WILL have troubles, but that He has overcome them, and He will help me through. 

He reminds me to hold onto His promises, to remind myself over and over again of what He has spoken over me, and to me, and through me, and in spite of me, and in the dark and in the light, and in the valley and on the mountain. 

That He gets the last word, even in the swirl of my over-analyzing. 

And He reminds me to “not fret or worry. Instead of worrying, pray. Let petition and praises shape [my] worries into prayers, letting [Him] know [my] concern.. And that before [I] know it, {in His time}, a sense of [His] wholeness, everything coming together for good, will come and settle [me] down.” 

He reminds me that this has happened before, and it will happen again. 

So as I continue through this portion of my journey, and God has somewhat pushed me to be open and vulnerable and share this said struggle, let me finish with The Message’s interpretation of Philippians 4:8-9: “Summing it all up, friends, I’d say you’ll do best by filling your minds and meditating on things true, noble, reputable, authentic, compelling, gracious – the best, not the worst; the beautiful, not the ugly; things to praise, not things to curse. Put into practice what you learned… what you heard, and saw, and realized. Do that, and God, who makes everything work together, will work you into His most excellent harmonies.”