Lemme 'splain

How often do you see someone that you think might have a bad impression of you & wish you could either explain yourself or have a do-over?

what do I want to be known for? There are some women that, every time I see them, I am renewed with a desire to be like them. They ....     And why do I want to be like that? Is it for me?


So, I started this blog several months ago while at a meeting with several other pastors and some wives. I saw a few people that met me at some point in the past, and at that time I was going through a difficult part of my journey. I can recall things that either I said or did that weren't necessarily what I would categorize as 'me'. But they were me at the time, weren't they?  If I'm downright honest with myself and the world, it was what I was thinking  or feeling at that particular time in my life. It may not have been what my overall personhood is, but it's what I could do in the midst of what I was going through. It's what those that love me deal with because they love me and accept me and know that we all go through times when we just aren't 'ourselves'. I kept putting off posting this, because I think I was still, well, AM still working through this part of me that is ashamed of some of the ways I have acted and some of the issues I've been working through over the past several years. I have this ideal picture in my head of who and what I want to be. And yet when I am striving to be that woman, I can get lost. I lose parts of the person I was created to be. I forget or refuse to see & accept what is inside of me that I can be proud of. I get clouded because I'm trying to be some perfect vision of a perfect woman. Perfection is unattainable and unreal. It distorts our view of true beauty.

I have been reading a couple of incredible books lately, and one is Daring Greatly by Brene Brown. It talks a lot of about shame that we put on ourselves and the need for vulnerability so we can heal, love ourselves,  and love others. She says,
"If we want freedom from perfectionism, we have to make the long journey from 'What will people think?' to 'I am enough'. That journey begins with shame resilience, self-compassion, and owning our stories. To claim the truths about who we are, where we come from, what we believe, and the very imperfect nature of our lives, we have to be willing to give ourselves a break and appreciate the beauty of our cracks or imperfections. To be kinder and gentler with ourselves and each other. To talk to ourselves the same way we'd talk to someone we care about."

BAM. Square between my eyes. Listen up, Christy.

The last couple of weeks have been tough physically. My fatigue got bad. I had a crick (whatever that word really is...) in my neck, and I have been fighting off a near sinus infection. I have added a couple supplements to my regimine (per doc orders) to fight off this fatigue, and so far it seems to be helping a bit. But when the tough days hit, it's easy for me to self-condemn. To look for what it is I must be doing wrong because I'm not totally healthy and better. I forget that I was depleted when all of this started. That I've probably been depleted for a number of years. That I have a long process ahead of me. That I'm learning more about myself and what I can or shouldn't be doing, eating, etc.  I begin to see all my faults and stuff from the past gets dragged up. It's a vicious cycle that my brain wants to ride, and I have been learning and exercising to capture every thought. I am training myself to stop the shame cycle. To see what actually does need dealt with and what needs to just be stopped and let truth reign.
What about you? Do you see people from the past, or even the present, with whom you wish you could have a redo? First of all, capture that thought. Secondly, live in your story. You can't change their thoughts anyway. Only they can do that. Just strive to be..... imperfect - wholly and wonderfully YOU. That's my journey, too.

shaking off shackles

I am having to work at capturing every thought this morning. Of course, while I'm studying through shame resilience and keeping control of emotions will I get pelted with reminders of my set backs, disappointments, body image, etc etc etc. I don't want to list it all or I feel like that is giving in.

This morning in particular I'm feeling frustration with health stuff. I'm having to remind myself that I have come a great deal forward from where I have been. I'm calling it out, admitting to myself that I need to be healthier and doing something more about it than just wallowing in self pity or pride. I know there are many worse things that could be taking place, but I have to say out loud that this IS an issue for me and am finding out that this is an issue for many women. We deserve (oh, how I hesitate to use that word..) to be healthier, to feel better, to have self-worth and value.

So I'm in a battle. I'm putting up arms against these negative thoughts & feelings towards myself. I am loved. I am valued. I was created for an abundant life. I am on a fantastic journey, if I will open my eyes and look around and see what all is taking place. What a ride!! I'm choosing to enjoy it!!  Even with all its ups & downs, twists & turns! I've got great company on this ride, thanks be to God!  And I apparantly love exclamation points!!!!
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2 Corinthians 10:5

momma said

it's been one of those days. I had a hard time getting out of bed. I ached all day. I had a hurting kid I had to get back in to the chiropractor this morning. This afternoon into evening the baby was clingy. I just feel down. I missed all my supplements I'm supposed to be taking. I didn't get to any exercises. I'm realizing I'm behind in keeping the checkbook, or the budget for that matter. I wanted to get the Christmas decorations put up, but haven't yet. I had 2 large cups of coffee today, as well as a Dr Pepper. I still have laundry to fold and/or hang up, BUT at least I actually got the laundry sorted and washed!!

I'm so glad that I've given up the desire to be perfect. Hahaha!!

I am currently reading a greatly insightful book that Malcolm urged me to read. Daring Greatly by Brene Brown is about being vulnerable and figuring out how to deal with shame. Shame is not just about feeling terrible about something bad you've done. I know that that is the feelings/definition I attached to that word every time I heard it. There are all types of shame, and I'm getting to the point in the book about developing 'shame resilience'. It's really good stuff. Everyone should read it. Unless you are an abnormal human being (& I don't mean that ugly) (well, maybe not) that never has any guilt in the deep part of their being in the middle of the night about anything they've ever done or said or thought or wrote or acted.... Get the point?  Get it. Read it. Heal.

All of that to say, after taking in all my disappointments, failures, shortcomings of today, I refuse to feel bad about myself. So I fell short of my goals today. I took care of my kids, I got up, got dressed, brushed my teeth, put deodorant on, cooked supper, did laundry... No shame. Momma said there'd be days like this.

Es la vida.

Se la vi.

 After all, tomorrow is another day.

(Did you just go back & say that in your best Scarlet O'Hara accent? Yeah, you will now, won't ya?)