stubborn toe

On the first Saturday of my Christmas Break in December, I quickly got up to look at something Malcolm wanted me to see.  I had something in my hand, and in my haste to answer my husband's call (ha ha), I ran into our big ottoman, wrapping my right pinky toe around the corner of it.  I am happy and proud to report that I actually didn't cuss, but I did cry out and shed a few tears.  I really wanted to cuss AND puke...
Now, I've stubbed toes before.  They hurt, and then in a day or two you don't notice it anymore.  This, however, was a doozie of a hit.  A friend told me I must have torn the ligament, because we could tell it wasn't broken.  I ended up having to wrap it to the other toes and only wear flip flops for several days (glad I live in Texas...).  This stinkin' injury hurt for weeks!!!  I can still actually feel it when I'm all the way up on my toes, especially after a day of walking around.  There were several pairs of shoes that I couldn't wear until February.  It still is a little uncomfortable to stretch my toes all the way out on that foot.  This crazy injury just keeps hanging around, rearing it's ugly little self just when I think I've healed completely.  Yesterday, I was noticing it yet again while stretching up for something, and that's when it hit me, right across the noggin....  A truth about my own life....
You see, for the past few weeks I've been struggling with (well, really internally - & a little externally - whining about) how undisciplined I am.  Now, I haven't admitted that I'm undisciplined until very recently (and through many prideful tears).  I've been complaining or feeling bad about my weight & lack of exercise I want to do, my health, my lack of personal prayer time, not seeing certain people like I'd like to, not blah blah blah, not not not, yada yada yada.  (I don't want to make you sick...) Only the past few days have I bucked up and admitted it's all tied to discipline.  I want to lose 10 pounds?  Eat smaller portions & take in more fruit.  Get my butt off the couch and take a walk, do Pilates, get that P90 DVD back out.  I long for focused, still prayer time?  Find a time and make everyone leave you alone.  I need to make time to see or speak to certain people?  Pick up the blasted phone, get over your phone phobia, and talk! I feel like I need a little of this therapy that Bob Newhart's character gives in this video... (but...  I'm not giving anyone permission to say this to me **cough Malcolm cough**)
http://youtu.be/BYLMTvxOaeE
But instead of "STOP IT!!!", I need to tell myself, "START IT!!  GET BACK ON IT!!  GET WITH IT!!"
I keep thinking, when school's done, I'll.....  WHY??  Why am I waiting until then?  There are 51 days of school left (not that I'm counting...).  I don't want to wait.  I want these things NOW. 
I very much disliked having to wear only certain types of shoes while my toe hurt for any pressure to be on it.  But I had to take care of it and do what I needed to do in order for it to heal.  The truth is: I may stub that same toe again.  Next time I may even break it.  You think I'd learn to be careful and pay attention to where I am placing my foot, wouldn't you?  But.... life happens.  There are cycles, ups and downs, successes and failures.  Sometimes things even jump right in front of you when you are being your upmost careful.  I have to suck it up and realize that the same it true for 'issues' that I want to be better in/at.  Every now and again, we have to take a moment (or most times in my case several days, weeks, or months) to refocus, reprioritize, rethink, and do what it takes to heal something that has been stretched, torn, or even broken.
God help me.

I'm so thankful He will.