I knew it had been a long time since I had blogged, but almost 11 months?? Goodness! Well, at least hardly anyone reads this, so no one really missed me. :)
I'm sitting at home today because Caitlyn's been ill since early Monday morning, throwing up and low grade fever - I now think it's the stomach flu. Malcolm was able to stay with her Monday and Tuesday, so I got things ready in my classroom yesterday so I could stay with her today. Malcolm is a terrific Dad, but not the greatest nurse as he has readily admitted. Caitlyn, on the other hand, is a wonderful patient. She's so 'strong' when she's sick, and just does what needs to be done. I'm going to be reminding her of that the next time she freaks out about a splinter. I've decided then that I will use today as 'catch up' day: catching up Caitlyn's strength, and catching up things I've been wanting to do like reading, networking, and blogging. Plus I guess I'll do some cleaning and school work as well.... blah. At least I've brushed my hair and teeth and even am now sitting with a clay mask on my face. Ah, the luxuries of staying at home... But, alas, I shall not dwell on that for now. Most likely tomorrow I will be heading back to school to my 3rd graders. The classroom is where I'm suppose to be during the day for this part of my journey. I'll truthfully admit that I would really like to be at home and be able to help out in my children's classrooms, go eat lunch with them, do things for other ladies during the day, etc., but for whatever reason, I'm needed exactly where I'm at. For what purpose, only God knows. And so I must focus on that instead of any 'too bad I can'ts'.... There may be a day when I can do all that stuff I want to do for my kids (although I'll probably never be able to do everything I want to do for them) - I just have to wait and see.
Yes, I now teach 3rd grade. 6th grade was... just not for me, I guess. I would love to tutor 6th grade, but teaching a whole class had its challenges. God just designs us a certain way, and I'm comfortable with the fact that I enjoy teaching the primary grades more. Teaching 6th grade for 2 years showed me that. I met some awesome kids and enjoyed teaching that Math, but it's hard for me to get past the attitude and apparent apathy. I admire the teachers that can deal with that year after year. I also didn't like the teacher I was some days when I had just had it, and so I just felt it was time for me to change grades. So far, I'm not as exhausted as I was, and I don't feel like I'm cheating my own family of the best me at the end of the day. So that's that.
Then there's the whole Grace Point 'thing'. I really do love that we're trying to do ministry the way we've dreamed of doing it. But is it everything we've wanted to do? Certainly not. Don't get me wrong, there are some great things that have happened and are happening. Yet, our timing and God's timing are two different things. I'm confidant He knows why and it's the best way. But for my worried, impatient mind, I'm really wondering what He's up to. And why can't He just do it my way. Or at least let me know how, when, what, etc. I'm trying to trust, I really am (who exactly am I trying to convince here...). So now I find myself in the position, uh, opportunity to help out with 'leading' music. I absolutely would rather just be in the team. I'm having to approach this differently in mindset. I don't want to be the 'leader', but definitely a team builder/player. I don't understand why we can't seem to have someone come be a part of GP who catches our mission and is musically talented and knows how to build a vocal/instrumental team all at the same time. I'm only 2 out of 3 and feel like I'm missing the latter and most important piece. So my fears and feelings of failure all come out to play together in my soul each time I think about this. God, help me. It's all about You anyway. Then there's the whole finance thing. This is the touchy, tricky thing to talk about. We've never been in ministry for the money. To think that is absurd, although we've had contact with some who believe that. Anyway, that being said, it is also a job. A paying job. And yet that's dependent on the people who come and their giving. Let's just say we've had a few months here lately where we're thankful that I'm working full time. Maybe we needed to remember that everything we have comes from Him. He is faithful, too - we haven't missed a bill or anything like that, but we haven't been able to meet some personal goals we were working on. We have dreams of being out of debt (short-term: except the mortgage; long-term: having no mortgage), so that we can tell our money where to go. There are many things we want to do with money, some personal & lots for others. I thought we were seeing the light at the end of the tunnel, but now... I never wanted to be in the position again where I HAD to work, but now that's what's saving us. I know that within just a few months we'll be seeing a change, but yet again, it's the waiting. The in-between.
There's also the ever-present health issues. I don't like talking much about it as if every day is horrible, but when I'm real about it, I am tired most days, don't sleep all that well, and have aches and pains almost every day. Stomach problems have also been a commonplace on and off occurrence for me. It's recently come to my attention that gluten may be a serious problem for me and other members of my family. Which I find funny (?) seeing as how the last couple of years I've gone on a whole grain kick. I was possibly hurting myself way more than helping. So my sister and I have done a lot of research, I have a friend at school that I'm talking with, and as of Monday, I'm trying to cut out all gluten from my diet. This will not be the easiest thing, but if it helps, it will be a Godsend. This is a experiment for me right now, and if it helps, I'd eventually like to be tested for Celiac Disease. I've gone back and forth about starting the diet or waiting until a diagnosis, but for financial reasons I have to wait on labwork. So I finally figured (with encouragement from my hubby) to just try and see. If I want a diagnosis later, I'll have to go off the diet for about 4 weeks and then get tested. But I'm willing to try if it means better health. So, again, I'll have to wait and see.
I'm not the best wait-er. Thank you, daddy; I don't have much patience. I also detest undone situations. Especially if I'm unsure of the outcome. Just a few weeks after my last blog, I felt like I was drowning in undone situations. We were trying to get the house sold (it didn't sell until April), we were getting close to moving into our new house (the ending of that was almost a nightmare), I was having some tough stuff at school, and other personal things were taking place that were 'unanswered'. I'm just not shining at those types of moments. Once spring was here, several things were settled. Yet only to have more undoneness occur just a few months later. Life, and life abundantly.
Are we being tested? Are we being refined? All I know for sure is that it WILL pass. Now, it may pass on to yet another undone situation, but I can get through this. I don't believe that there's a point in life's journey that everything is wonderful. That just isn't our fallen world. But thank God that I can enjoy the journey with all of its ups and downs. I can hold on to these hopes and dreams, no matter where I am on their path to coming true. Last week Malcolm and I had several deep conversations where I vomitted out my swirling thoughts and feelings and he helped me sort it out and/or just let me talk. (You really are getting so much better at that, babe.) I finally felt a 'let up' Friday morning as I was getting ready to leave the house. On a whim, I had grabbed some CDs to put in the car to listen to when I got tired of the radio. I put in a Bebo Norman CD I hadn't listened to in awhile, and actually hadn't listened to much to begin with. The album's title is Between the Dreaming and the Coming True, which is basically the theme of most of my underlying frustrations of late. We work and work and work at things because we know that they are a means to an 'end', and yet the toil becomes tiresome. I needed encouragement. I was feeling like I was coming out of it that morning, and then the first song made me know that my Father has been listening to all my vomitting and wanted me to know. Thanks, Bebo Norman, for the insight. The rest of the album is speaking to me as well. It's pretty amazing how God puts just the right things into our paths when we need them. And uses ordinary people to do extraordinary things. So this morning I'm thankful. I'm thankful for so many things, but I want to point out that undescribable peace; that confidence in Someone knowing how, why, when, what; the ability to hold on while I'm between the dreams and their fulfillment.
Into the Day, by Bebo Norman & Jason Ingram
You could turn a hundred years and never empty all your fears
They're pouring out like broken words and broken bones
They could fill a thousand pages, be the cry for all the ages
And the song for every soul who stands alone
The ache of life is more than you are able
Hold on love, don't give up
Don't close your eyes
The light is breaking through the night
Step out into the day, all the clouds and all the rain are gone
It's over now
Step out into the sun, for you have only begun to know
What it's all about
As the hungering dark gives way to the dawn, my love
It's over now
Time will let the story told grow and grow 'til it unfolds
In a way that even you cannot ignore
You can say the seasons change but never if you just remain
In a place where the freeze is at your door
What you don't know is the signs are right for the turning tide
Hold on, hold on
It won't be long
So hold on
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