Well, here it is, January 17th, and I realize that I set a word goal last year and didn't talk about how it went at the end of 2011. (Can you believe it's really 2012?? I told Malcolm the other day that it still seems like the milennium should be a new thing, and yet it's 12 years in...)
So a year ago, I picked a word for the year: listen. Wow! I knew that that was going to 'take me places', but I didn't know it would include a trip to the other side of the globe!! I have definitely learned quite a bit about myself through that one word. Here are 2 that stick out to me as I'm thinking about this past year today:
1. When I listen to myself, deep down, I don't always like what I hear. It's so easy for me to be negative. The funny thing about that, is that most people that know me 'casually', don't really know that about me. (at least, I don't think they do...) I can think REALLY negative thoughts. I can get down very easily. I just don't always show it. I hide it, as much as my face and body language will allow. Once my face or body is speaking it, I'm already pretty far down. Only those that know me well or are just perceptive people can tell when I'm thinking negatively. I hear myself think a lot of "what ifs" and "I doubts" and "I don't wannas" and "this doesn't matters" and it goes on and down from there. So did I do anything about this?? Why yes, I did. I read The Battlefield of the Mind by Joyce Meyer. It had some really good, slap-in-the-face, wake-up stuff for me. I also believe this will be a life-long struggle for me, and I know that there are some key things I have to do to stay on top of negative thoughts - read my Bible and other books that deal with the subject; protect myself with personal boundaries from negativity; keep Philippians 4:8 in my heart, thinking on things that are pure, right, true, noble, praiseworthy, and excellent.
2. When I stop to listen before I speak, I keep myself from being a butt. That's the only way I can think to put it right now. And I have in no way perfected this. This is dealing in all of my relationships, from my husband and kids to my students and coworkers. I can keep myself out of a lot of trouble when I just think before I speak. I try to listen to words, tone of voice, body language... I've seen and felt a much greater insight especially with my children. When I focus on really listening to what they're trying to tell me, even in the midst of a tantrum, I feel like a better parent who is the discipler and guide that I'm created to be. I feel closer to them as well. I'm taking the time and effort to listen and observe others who I respect. If I see something in a person that I would like to emulate, I've taken the time to not just watch but listen.
There are many other things I've learned and am still gaining insight about myself. I'm so thankful that the word 'listen' became my word for last year, and that it didn't end on December 31st. This will be a life goal of constantly and continually becoming a better listener.
Tuesday, January 17, 2012
Sunday, October 2, 2011
My trip, post 1
I can't believe that I've been back home almost 6 weeks and have yet to blog about it. When I got back home, I kinda hit the ground running - I got home about 10:30 at night, and the very next morning had to be back at work (I'd already missed 6 days of inservice). That following Monday, school started! I had Labor Day off, though! ha!
Just so you know, if you're reading this, I'm not going to talk about WHERE I've been in order to protect the innocent. I'll figure out how to post some pictures, though. There will be some that I can't post simply for the protection of those in the pictures.
My trip was an incredible experience. I'm still processing through it all. I've told several people that I'm not sure I went for any OUTward reason because God did so much INside of me. The trip began rather badly -- a week before I left, we had been in Austin. On the way home, we were rear-ended while getting through San Angelo (about 2 1/2 hours away from home). We were at a stop light; the guy in front of us let off his brake but wasn't getting going very fast; Malcolm took his foot off the brake, and then all of a sudden a big Dodge truck hit us from behind. We happened to be in our little old Altima because the Explorer was at home with a transmission problem we had yet to get fixed. We didn't think the wreck was all that bad at first. I do remember my vision seeming to 'shake' a little while I was sitting in the car (while we were waiting for the police), but I just kind of figured it was adrenaline. As we were on the way home again I began to feel pretty icky - the next day was worse. My chiropractor's office was closed (Friday afternoon) so I had Malcolm take me to a clinic. The doctor there prescribed me some muscle relaxers and a 6-day pack of steroids to attempt to heal up the muscles before I left the country. We got the steroid pack on Monday, and by Wednesday afternoon I knew that I was having a severe reaction to them. It was horrible. I still hurt from my neck down, and then I couldn't sleep, would have chills, and felt very anxious. I kept chalking it up to the huge trip I was about to take, but I finally called the clinic and the doc told me to stop the steroids immediately. Thursday I got in to see another chiropractor - he helped, but was just a little rougher than my regular doc. I came home and began to have such severe chills, we ended up calling the after hours service and talked to my regular chiropractor. He offered to meet me at the office if needed, but we never did do that. Let's just say I didn't rest well that night. Friday morning I left for KC. I was met by great friends and was able to walk around with them and enjoy their company, but was in a lot of pain and in a little bit of a fog. I just kept trying to 'keep on keeping on'. Trying the whole 'mind over matter' thing. Way early Saturday morning we headed to the airport for our long flights. Our original 1 flight to Newark was cancelled and we had to split up the group and fly 2 flights to get there before heading on the very long one around the globe. I happened to have a window seat on all 3 flights, which did not work in my favor. I felt more and more claustrophobic, and just began to feel worse and worse. I couldn't seem to drink enough water. But, I just kept thinking, I can do this, I can do this. When we got on the huge plane for the longest leg of our journey, I was excited at first, and then began to physically plummet. When I would finally get so uncomfortable that I would climb over the guys in my row to go to the bathroom, I oddly felt better in the bathroom in the light. Knowing I was going to have to get back in my seat almost made me want to cry! After trying to get my mind off of me through 2 movies and some reading, singing to myself (quietly, thank you), listening to music, I knew that I could no longer deny that I needed help. I was getting rather dizzy; I was in pretty extreme pain in my neck and lower back and had taken probably more Ibuprofen then I should; felt like I couldn't eat or drink anything else without throwing it up. I had been traveling the whole day with two other ladies - one that I had met before and knew slightly, one that I had met just that morning - so I decided to get up once more and go ask them if they would pray with me. I thought I was at my lowest point.... little did I know it was about to get worse. Apparently, I needed more humbling.
I got over to where my team was (I had not been seated near them..) and kinda knelt down beside them and asked them to pray for me. Somehow with some conversation, they ended up leading me to an aisle behind a group of chairs where people could stretch their legs. I laid down flat on my back, except that I couldn't lay both legs straight at the same time - it just hurt my lower back too much. Thankfully, I had 'just happened' to grab a kitchen wash rag from my house right as we were leaving for the airport Friday morning in case I needed to get it wet to keep my nausea down. That thing became a life saver. We got that thing nice and cool, but I still just continued to feel worse and worse. I finally told my friends that I just didn't think I could get back up. This is when I finally started to cry some. I asked for water and one lady went to ask for some. The next thing I heard was the intercom coming on and the stewardess ask if there was a doctor or nurse on board for them to hit their help button. Part of me was horrified to cause that trouble, the other part was relieved. I had to admit that this was more than I could take care of by myself. Lots of stuff happened after that - let me just recap it for you: a Chinese doctor was on board (we still weren't sure by the end if the good doctor was a he or she, and I really don't care- ha) who came and was of great help. My blood pressure was 90/44, I was very dehydrated, and was told to not take any more Ibuprofen for awhile. I had to have an oxygen mask on for awhile (I almost freaked out when they first put it on me, but told my claustrophobic self to calm down and then REALLY enjoyed it - I'd like one for Christmas...). They ended up finding a place for me to lay down. The good doctor had me take 2 Aleve, they gave me a huge bottle of water, and I slept for most of the rest of the flight, getting up a few times for the bathroom. It was quite the affair. I had to totally rely on people I didn't know and who didn't know me. This was extremely difficult for me. I didn't realize how independent and proud I had become! I kept trying to not be embarrassed. At one point (try to picture this), I had the red wet rag around my neck, the oxygen mask on my face (you know, the yellow cup thing that would fall from above in case of a drop in air pressure), with my arm over the shoulder of a steward (his name was Andy; I at least got his name...), and a stewardess following closely behind with a hand on my back (I didn't get her name, oops), being led through chairs and aisles to the place for me to lay down. My pride was definitely humbled. No telling what my hair looked like. I know my make-up was gone. :) Continental airlines has a report of sorts filed on this whole event. They even called into their headquarters in Arizona to consult an airline doctor. Did you know there was such a person? When we landed at our destination, they called for a wheelchair that took so long to come, I ended up walking (more like shuffling, ha!) quite a ways before the chair came to me. One team member was allowed to walk with me while someone from the airport pushed me around. It was kind of nice, because we got through customs very quickly. :) As we went through the airport, I began to have the terrible chills again. So picture me again - I was in a wheelchair going rather fast through the airport late at night with my trusty wet rag around my neck, with my soft green blanky wrapped around me and the bag that was on my lap. To top it all off, while we were waiting for the rest of the team at baggage claim, my well-meaning friend gave me another Aleve to take (the wheelchair ride was a tad bumpy and very uncomfortable). Right after I swallowed it down, I knew it wasn't going all the way. I said, "I'm gonna throw up!" and looked to the restroom lots of feet away. My friend 'just happened' to have put a vomit bag in her bag and she fished it out just in time. That was again humiliating. I thought it was bad enough being wheeled through the airport; now I was vomiting at baggage claim. And, to make it worse, because it was mostly water, it began to seep out of the baggie through my friend's fingers. Niiiiiiiice. The wheelchair pusher produced another baggie that I then filled. Loooovelyyyyy. I had the thought, okay, how much lower am I gonna get.... Somehow I made it through the city and into the hotel and up to my room and into bed. I honestly don't remember all of it. I know we rode a tram and then a taxi. I remember sitting in the lobby and praying and discussing the next day. I remember getting into the room and somehow getting ready for bed. I remember waking up in the middle of the night to the sound of someone out in the hallway screaming for help and hitting the wall or door or something. (Welcome to the city!!) By the way, nothing like that guy screaming happened again....
All I have to say is that the few stewards that 'dealt' with me did a great job. The good doctor was extremely caring. My friends made me feel loved and cared for. It was definitely one of the hardest things I've been through. So many thoughts went through my head, and I missed my family terribly. I really wasn't sure what was going to happen in the hours to come, and I began to seriously wonder why I had come on this trip. I had to eat a lot of humble pie and let people care for me and do things for me that I would normally do for myself.
The only thing that kept me going through most of that 24 hour journey was the prayers and songs I kept singing in my head. Two songs that seemed to stick out the most were "Our God is Greater" ("our God is Healer, awesome in power") and "My All in All" ("You are my strength when I am weak"). I begged God for healing, knowing that if He saw fit, He could touch my body and instantly heal me. I'll discuss some of this part of the journey in a later post.....
A few things I learned that day:
I believe there are no such things as 'just happened to' or coincidences.
I probably shouldn't take steroids EVER AGAIN.
I was on a team that lived out being the hands and feet of Christ.
I probably shouldn't take gel caplet pain pills.
I'll remember that when my urine is cloudy, that means I'm getting dehydrated (I can't believe I didn't remember this - I only tell my campers to look for that every year...).
I really like pure oxygen.
I should always take a wash rag with me on trips.
I don't need to get a window seat on airplanes anymore.
Wheelchair rides aren't always that comfortable - push with care.
It's okay to ask for help, and do it before it's too serious of a problem.
By the way, in case you were wondering, I did end up throwing the wash rag away before I left for home. :) It's time had come to an end. RIP, wash rag. Thanks for all of your help.
Just so you know, if you're reading this, I'm not going to talk about WHERE I've been in order to protect the innocent. I'll figure out how to post some pictures, though. There will be some that I can't post simply for the protection of those in the pictures.
My trip was an incredible experience. I'm still processing through it all. I've told several people that I'm not sure I went for any OUTward reason because God did so much INside of me. The trip began rather badly -- a week before I left, we had been in Austin. On the way home, we were rear-ended while getting through San Angelo (about 2 1/2 hours away from home). We were at a stop light; the guy in front of us let off his brake but wasn't getting going very fast; Malcolm took his foot off the brake, and then all of a sudden a big Dodge truck hit us from behind. We happened to be in our little old Altima because the Explorer was at home with a transmission problem we had yet to get fixed. We didn't think the wreck was all that bad at first. I do remember my vision seeming to 'shake' a little while I was sitting in the car (while we were waiting for the police), but I just kind of figured it was adrenaline. As we were on the way home again I began to feel pretty icky - the next day was worse. My chiropractor's office was closed (Friday afternoon) so I had Malcolm take me to a clinic. The doctor there prescribed me some muscle relaxers and a 6-day pack of steroids to attempt to heal up the muscles before I left the country. We got the steroid pack on Monday, and by Wednesday afternoon I knew that I was having a severe reaction to them. It was horrible. I still hurt from my neck down, and then I couldn't sleep, would have chills, and felt very anxious. I kept chalking it up to the huge trip I was about to take, but I finally called the clinic and the doc told me to stop the steroids immediately. Thursday I got in to see another chiropractor - he helped, but was just a little rougher than my regular doc. I came home and began to have such severe chills, we ended up calling the after hours service and talked to my regular chiropractor. He offered to meet me at the office if needed, but we never did do that. Let's just say I didn't rest well that night. Friday morning I left for KC. I was met by great friends and was able to walk around with them and enjoy their company, but was in a lot of pain and in a little bit of a fog. I just kept trying to 'keep on keeping on'. Trying the whole 'mind over matter' thing. Way early Saturday morning we headed to the airport for our long flights. Our original 1 flight to Newark was cancelled and we had to split up the group and fly 2 flights to get there before heading on the very long one around the globe. I happened to have a window seat on all 3 flights, which did not work in my favor. I felt more and more claustrophobic, and just began to feel worse and worse. I couldn't seem to drink enough water. But, I just kept thinking, I can do this, I can do this. When we got on the huge plane for the longest leg of our journey, I was excited at first, and then began to physically plummet. When I would finally get so uncomfortable that I would climb over the guys in my row to go to the bathroom, I oddly felt better in the bathroom in the light. Knowing I was going to have to get back in my seat almost made me want to cry! After trying to get my mind off of me through 2 movies and some reading, singing to myself (quietly, thank you), listening to music, I knew that I could no longer deny that I needed help. I was getting rather dizzy; I was in pretty extreme pain in my neck and lower back and had taken probably more Ibuprofen then I should; felt like I couldn't eat or drink anything else without throwing it up. I had been traveling the whole day with two other ladies - one that I had met before and knew slightly, one that I had met just that morning - so I decided to get up once more and go ask them if they would pray with me. I thought I was at my lowest point.... little did I know it was about to get worse. Apparently, I needed more humbling.
I got over to where my team was (I had not been seated near them..) and kinda knelt down beside them and asked them to pray for me. Somehow with some conversation, they ended up leading me to an aisle behind a group of chairs where people could stretch their legs. I laid down flat on my back, except that I couldn't lay both legs straight at the same time - it just hurt my lower back too much. Thankfully, I had 'just happened' to grab a kitchen wash rag from my house right as we were leaving for the airport Friday morning in case I needed to get it wet to keep my nausea down. That thing became a life saver. We got that thing nice and cool, but I still just continued to feel worse and worse. I finally told my friends that I just didn't think I could get back up. This is when I finally started to cry some. I asked for water and one lady went to ask for some. The next thing I heard was the intercom coming on and the stewardess ask if there was a doctor or nurse on board for them to hit their help button. Part of me was horrified to cause that trouble, the other part was relieved. I had to admit that this was more than I could take care of by myself. Lots of stuff happened after that - let me just recap it for you: a Chinese doctor was on board (we still weren't sure by the end if the good doctor was a he or she, and I really don't care- ha) who came and was of great help. My blood pressure was 90/44, I was very dehydrated, and was told to not take any more Ibuprofen for awhile. I had to have an oxygen mask on for awhile (I almost freaked out when they first put it on me, but told my claustrophobic self to calm down and then REALLY enjoyed it - I'd like one for Christmas...). They ended up finding a place for me to lay down. The good doctor had me take 2 Aleve, they gave me a huge bottle of water, and I slept for most of the rest of the flight, getting up a few times for the bathroom. It was quite the affair. I had to totally rely on people I didn't know and who didn't know me. This was extremely difficult for me. I didn't realize how independent and proud I had become! I kept trying to not be embarrassed. At one point (try to picture this), I had the red wet rag around my neck, the oxygen mask on my face (you know, the yellow cup thing that would fall from above in case of a drop in air pressure), with my arm over the shoulder of a steward (his name was Andy; I at least got his name...), and a stewardess following closely behind with a hand on my back (I didn't get her name, oops), being led through chairs and aisles to the place for me to lay down. My pride was definitely humbled. No telling what my hair looked like. I know my make-up was gone. :) Continental airlines has a report of sorts filed on this whole event. They even called into their headquarters in Arizona to consult an airline doctor. Did you know there was such a person? When we landed at our destination, they called for a wheelchair that took so long to come, I ended up walking (more like shuffling, ha!) quite a ways before the chair came to me. One team member was allowed to walk with me while someone from the airport pushed me around. It was kind of nice, because we got through customs very quickly. :) As we went through the airport, I began to have the terrible chills again. So picture me again - I was in a wheelchair going rather fast through the airport late at night with my trusty wet rag around my neck, with my soft green blanky wrapped around me and the bag that was on my lap. To top it all off, while we were waiting for the rest of the team at baggage claim, my well-meaning friend gave me another Aleve to take (the wheelchair ride was a tad bumpy and very uncomfortable). Right after I swallowed it down, I knew it wasn't going all the way. I said, "I'm gonna throw up!" and looked to the restroom lots of feet away. My friend 'just happened' to have put a vomit bag in her bag and she fished it out just in time. That was again humiliating. I thought it was bad enough being wheeled through the airport; now I was vomiting at baggage claim. And, to make it worse, because it was mostly water, it began to seep out of the baggie through my friend's fingers. Niiiiiiiice. The wheelchair pusher produced another baggie that I then filled. Loooovelyyyyy. I had the thought, okay, how much lower am I gonna get.... Somehow I made it through the city and into the hotel and up to my room and into bed. I honestly don't remember all of it. I know we rode a tram and then a taxi. I remember sitting in the lobby and praying and discussing the next day. I remember getting into the room and somehow getting ready for bed. I remember waking up in the middle of the night to the sound of someone out in the hallway screaming for help and hitting the wall or door or something. (Welcome to the city!!) By the way, nothing like that guy screaming happened again....
All I have to say is that the few stewards that 'dealt' with me did a great job. The good doctor was extremely caring. My friends made me feel loved and cared for. It was definitely one of the hardest things I've been through. So many thoughts went through my head, and I missed my family terribly. I really wasn't sure what was going to happen in the hours to come, and I began to seriously wonder why I had come on this trip. I had to eat a lot of humble pie and let people care for me and do things for me that I would normally do for myself.
The only thing that kept me going through most of that 24 hour journey was the prayers and songs I kept singing in my head. Two songs that seemed to stick out the most were "Our God is Greater" ("our God is Healer, awesome in power") and "My All in All" ("You are my strength when I am weak"). I begged God for healing, knowing that if He saw fit, He could touch my body and instantly heal me. I'll discuss some of this part of the journey in a later post.....
A few things I learned that day:
I believe there are no such things as 'just happened to' or coincidences.
I probably shouldn't take steroids EVER AGAIN.
I was on a team that lived out being the hands and feet of Christ.
I probably shouldn't take gel caplet pain pills.
I'll remember that when my urine is cloudy, that means I'm getting dehydrated (I can't believe I didn't remember this - I only tell my campers to look for that every year...).
I really like pure oxygen.
I should always take a wash rag with me on trips.
I don't need to get a window seat on airplanes anymore.
Wheelchair rides aren't always that comfortable - push with care.
It's okay to ask for help, and do it before it's too serious of a problem.
By the way, in case you were wondering, I did end up throwing the wash rag away before I left for home. :) It's time had come to an end. RIP, wash rag. Thanks for all of your help.
Thursday, May 19, 2011
still listening...
So this quest of being a better listening is killing me!! :) Not literally, but I am definitely being challenged, prodded, changed. I believe that on December 31st, I'll look back in amazement and thanksgiving; but almost halfway through the year, I'm a little bewildered. I'm continuing to have things come to light that, if I'm completely honest with myself and others, I've been pushing into dark corners and pretending they don't exist. I guess I could say that I'm getting a soul cleansing of sorts. It's a little rough.
Many things are going on, and sometimes at night in the dark, I lay in bed and wonder how everything is connected. What am I needing to listen to in regards to possible changes at work? What do I need to hear about where we are with our out-of-debt journey and what I need to do? How do I need to listen more effectively to my children? How am I doing in really hearing what Malcolm is saying? What will this crazy trip to China make me hear - about myself, about my family, about my friends, about people, about God in the world, on and on..? Most importantly, AM I HEARING WHAT I NEED TO HEAR? And am I listening to the right voices? Does that make my a little schizo?? tee hee
Many things are going on, and sometimes at night in the dark, I lay in bed and wonder how everything is connected. What am I needing to listen to in regards to possible changes at work? What do I need to hear about where we are with our out-of-debt journey and what I need to do? How do I need to listen more effectively to my children? How am I doing in really hearing what Malcolm is saying? What will this crazy trip to China make me hear - about myself, about my family, about my friends, about people, about God in the world, on and on..? Most importantly, AM I HEARING WHAT I NEED TO HEAR? And am I listening to the right voices? Does that make my a little schizo?? tee hee
Monday, May 9, 2011
Whining..
Don't bother with reading this - I just need to vomit a little.
I'm so down right now. There's so many details I'm not going to go into, because I really don't care if anyone reads this... I just need to get some off my chest. I feel like I'm imploding. This whole listening thing is taking me some places that I don't want to hear about myself. It's also dangerous territory, because the enemy of my soul is attacking my mind.
whine
Right now I'm very low on myself - feelings of failure, of not being who and where I want to be. I feel like I'm failing at work, or am below the standard I want for myself. I have some tough discipline problems this year and have been recently told I could have handled it all better. Yeah, I could have ( I will readily admit to my fault in this, with my anger issues and all...), but I'm also not these children's parent.... Not going to go any farther on that subject...
whine
whine
I could be a better mother. Some days I'm so tired of dealing with other people's kids that I have to really work hard at coming home and listening to all that my own children want to tell me. These are two precious precious little human beings that are growing so fast and learning so much. I should be more attentive and thankful for them.
whine
whine
whine
I could definitely be a better wife and cheerleader. I don't consistently take care of things at home so that my wonderful hard-working husband doesn't have to. I don't think I listen to him enough or attentively enough.
whine
whine
whine
I'm not that great of a friend. I had to apologize very recently for carrying teasing too far just because it was getting some laughs from others. Feel like I'm in high school again. How stupid. And I don't keep up with my friends like I wish I did. It's not that I don't care or am interested, I just... I don't even know. And that's a problem in itself.
whine
whine
whine
I'm not doing things at Grace Point like I feel I should be. I know the help that we need, and some of my 'talents' could help fill in gaps, but I just don't know how to do some things and/or can't seem to do it to the level that's needed, or whatever. So I don't feel like much help and how great is that when I'm the planter's wife? Where is my part in it all??
whine
whine
whine
Today has been one of the lowest days in a while, but I've been a downhill slope for several weeks. Some stuff I've bottled up, and I guess it just festered, until a huge slap of humility at work just tore a hole in my facade. Pride does come before a fall I guess.
I'm just praying that through so much brokenness, my Father can make something beautiful from these ashes.
I'm so down right now. There's so many details I'm not going to go into, because I really don't care if anyone reads this... I just need to get some off my chest. I feel like I'm imploding. This whole listening thing is taking me some places that I don't want to hear about myself. It's also dangerous territory, because the enemy of my soul is attacking my mind.
whine
Right now I'm very low on myself - feelings of failure, of not being who and where I want to be. I feel like I'm failing at work, or am below the standard I want for myself. I have some tough discipline problems this year and have been recently told I could have handled it all better. Yeah, I could have ( I will readily admit to my fault in this, with my anger issues and all...), but I'm also not these children's parent.... Not going to go any farther on that subject...
whine
whine
I could be a better mother. Some days I'm so tired of dealing with other people's kids that I have to really work hard at coming home and listening to all that my own children want to tell me. These are two precious precious little human beings that are growing so fast and learning so much. I should be more attentive and thankful for them.
whine
whine
whine
I could definitely be a better wife and cheerleader. I don't consistently take care of things at home so that my wonderful hard-working husband doesn't have to. I don't think I listen to him enough or attentively enough.
whine
whine
whine
I'm not that great of a friend. I had to apologize very recently for carrying teasing too far just because it was getting some laughs from others. Feel like I'm in high school again. How stupid. And I don't keep up with my friends like I wish I did. It's not that I don't care or am interested, I just... I don't even know. And that's a problem in itself.
whine
whine
whine
I'm not doing things at Grace Point like I feel I should be. I know the help that we need, and some of my 'talents' could help fill in gaps, but I just don't know how to do some things and/or can't seem to do it to the level that's needed, or whatever. So I don't feel like much help and how great is that when I'm the planter's wife? Where is my part in it all??
whine
whine
whine
Today has been one of the lowest days in a while, but I've been a downhill slope for several weeks. Some stuff I've bottled up, and I guess it just festered, until a huge slap of humility at work just tore a hole in my facade. Pride does come before a fall I guess.
I'm just praying that through so much brokenness, my Father can make something beautiful from these ashes.
Monday, March 7, 2011
Why we're apathetic about the "lost"
(This was actually written by my husband who thought he had HIS site opened up....)The church faces an overwhelming apathy with regards to those who are far from God, those we call "lost". We tend to see them as a man who’s lost driving, too belligerent to stop and ask for directions. Instead we should see them as a lost child in a supermarket, desperately needing to be found. The difference is the level of initiative we take in resolving the issue.
Wednesday, January 26, 2011
listen
On my drive to school each morning, I usually listen to KLOVE. This last month they've been talking about picking one word instead of making new year's resolutions. This one word should reflect what it is one is wanting out of one's life this year. The first few times I heard about it, I thought it was a neat idea, but didn't make it real personal. A couple of weeks ago, I decided to think about what my one word would be if I was to pick what I'm wanting for my life this year. So I began thinking about it and praying about it. Wanna know what word I chose? Look at the title of my blog...
According to my iPhone dictionary, the word listen means to "pay close attention to; hear with INTENTION". This nails what I want out of my life on the head. I need to be a better listener - to my husband, to my children, to my friends and family, to people I have no relationship with, to people I'm forming relationship with, to my students, and most importantly, to my Creator Father. I don't just sit and listen to Him often enough. I am usually speaking or thinking or dreaming or falling asleep. Some would call it 'rabbit trails'. And I find myself telling Him what I'd like for Him to do for me, or what I'd like for Him to do for others, or how I think things should be going or what should be taking place. Then there's the question of "How do I listen to Someone I can't always hear?" So the definition of "pay close attention to" cuts to the quick.
I also want to listen for good reasons. Listen 'between the lines'. Listen for others' true selves. Listen to hear what people are really trying to say. Listen to gentle proddings of the Spirit of what I need to do for Him or others, what He'd like me to do, how He thinks things should be going and how I can be involved in that. I want to 'hear with intention'.
I told Malcolm the other evening that sometimes I wish I hadn't said that I'd like to learn something from God or would like Him to teach us something. This was in jest, but there's a part of me that means it! Once I accept the challenge to listen to what He's placed on my heart to learn, it seems that I can't get away from it. Almost every song speaks to the lesson, conversations are had where the topic is brought up, a book or magazine is picked up where I read about it, and on and on it goes. And yet, people say God just created the Earth, put it on a spin, and stepped away?? REALLY?? 'Cause when I choose to listen to what He's wanting me to hear, He orchestrates most everything around me to form a brilliant object lesson.
So what's the lastest thing I've listened to? I've decided to take a huge step of faith and go to China at the end of this summer!! Wow!! I'll be teaching English for 3 weeks. There's more info, but the basic jist is that I'll be gone for THREE WEEKS!! Aaaaaa!! This terrifies me, along with all sorts of other paranoid thoughts. But everytime I've heard about this trip, there's a stirring in my soul. I get excited thinking about going, but then fear crowds it out. Just recently I finally realized that I must go. There's a reason. I'm listening.
What other things should I be listening to and for this year? I'm looking forward to seeing what is going to come out of this listening stuff. So I'll just wait and ... listen.
According to my iPhone dictionary, the word listen means to "pay close attention to; hear with INTENTION". This nails what I want out of my life on the head. I need to be a better listener - to my husband, to my children, to my friends and family, to people I have no relationship with, to people I'm forming relationship with, to my students, and most importantly, to my Creator Father. I don't just sit and listen to Him often enough. I am usually speaking or thinking or dreaming or falling asleep. Some would call it 'rabbit trails'. And I find myself telling Him what I'd like for Him to do for me, or what I'd like for Him to do for others, or how I think things should be going or what should be taking place. Then there's the question of "How do I listen to Someone I can't always hear?" So the definition of "pay close attention to" cuts to the quick.
I also want to listen for good reasons. Listen 'between the lines'. Listen for others' true selves. Listen to hear what people are really trying to say. Listen to gentle proddings of the Spirit of what I need to do for Him or others, what He'd like me to do, how He thinks things should be going and how I can be involved in that. I want to 'hear with intention'.
I told Malcolm the other evening that sometimes I wish I hadn't said that I'd like to learn something from God or would like Him to teach us something. This was in jest, but there's a part of me that means it! Once I accept the challenge to listen to what He's placed on my heart to learn, it seems that I can't get away from it. Almost every song speaks to the lesson, conversations are had where the topic is brought up, a book or magazine is picked up where I read about it, and on and on it goes. And yet, people say God just created the Earth, put it on a spin, and stepped away?? REALLY?? 'Cause when I choose to listen to what He's wanting me to hear, He orchestrates most everything around me to form a brilliant object lesson.
So what's the lastest thing I've listened to? I've decided to take a huge step of faith and go to China at the end of this summer!! Wow!! I'll be teaching English for 3 weeks. There's more info, but the basic jist is that I'll be gone for THREE WEEKS!! Aaaaaa!! This terrifies me, along with all sorts of other paranoid thoughts. But everytime I've heard about this trip, there's a stirring in my soul. I get excited thinking about going, but then fear crowds it out. Just recently I finally realized that I must go. There's a reason. I'm listening.
What other things should I be listening to and for this year? I'm looking forward to seeing what is going to come out of this listening stuff. So I'll just wait and ... listen.
Wednesday, September 29, 2010
Between dreaming and coming true
I knew it had been a long time since I had blogged, but almost 11 months?? Goodness! Well, at least hardly anyone reads this, so no one really missed me. :)
I'm sitting at home today because Caitlyn's been ill since early Monday morning, throwing up and low grade fever - I now think it's the stomach flu. Malcolm was able to stay with her Monday and Tuesday, so I got things ready in my classroom yesterday so I could stay with her today. Malcolm is a terrific Dad, but not the greatest nurse as he has readily admitted. Caitlyn, on the other hand, is a wonderful patient. She's so 'strong' when she's sick, and just does what needs to be done. I'm going to be reminding her of that the next time she freaks out about a splinter. I've decided then that I will use today as 'catch up' day: catching up Caitlyn's strength, and catching up things I've been wanting to do like reading, networking, and blogging. Plus I guess I'll do some cleaning and school work as well.... blah. At least I've brushed my hair and teeth and even am now sitting with a clay mask on my face. Ah, the luxuries of staying at home... But, alas, I shall not dwell on that for now. Most likely tomorrow I will be heading back to school to my 3rd graders. The classroom is where I'm suppose to be during the day for this part of my journey. I'll truthfully admit that I would really like to be at home and be able to help out in my children's classrooms, go eat lunch with them, do things for other ladies during the day, etc., but for whatever reason, I'm needed exactly where I'm at. For what purpose, only God knows. And so I must focus on that instead of any 'too bad I can'ts'.... There may be a day when I can do all that stuff I want to do for my kids (although I'll probably never be able to do everything I want to do for them) - I just have to wait and see.
Yes, I now teach 3rd grade. 6th grade was... just not for me, I guess. I would love to tutor 6th grade, but teaching a whole class had its challenges. God just designs us a certain way, and I'm comfortable with the fact that I enjoy teaching the primary grades more. Teaching 6th grade for 2 years showed me that. I met some awesome kids and enjoyed teaching that Math, but it's hard for me to get past the attitude and apparent apathy. I admire the teachers that can deal with that year after year. I also didn't like the teacher I was some days when I had just had it, and so I just felt it was time for me to change grades. So far, I'm not as exhausted as I was, and I don't feel like I'm cheating my own family of the best me at the end of the day. So that's that.
Then there's the whole Grace Point 'thing'. I really do love that we're trying to do ministry the way we've dreamed of doing it. But is it everything we've wanted to do? Certainly not. Don't get me wrong, there are some great things that have happened and are happening. Yet, our timing and God's timing are two different things. I'm confidant He knows why and it's the best way. But for my worried, impatient mind, I'm really wondering what He's up to. And why can't He just do it my way. Or at least let me know how, when, what, etc. I'm trying to trust, I really am (who exactly am I trying to convince here...). So now I find myself in the position, uh, opportunity to help out with 'leading' music. I absolutely would rather just be in the team. I'm having to approach this differently in mindset. I don't want to be the 'leader', but definitely a team builder/player. I don't understand why we can't seem to have someone come be a part of GP who catches our mission and is musically talented and knows how to build a vocal/instrumental team all at the same time. I'm only 2 out of 3 and feel like I'm missing the latter and most important piece. So my fears and feelings of failure all come out to play together in my soul each time I think about this. God, help me. It's all about You anyway. Then there's the whole finance thing. This is the touchy, tricky thing to talk about. We've never been in ministry for the money. To think that is absurd, although we've had contact with some who believe that. Anyway, that being said, it is also a job. A paying job. And yet that's dependent on the people who come and their giving. Let's just say we've had a few months here lately where we're thankful that I'm working full time. Maybe we needed to remember that everything we have comes from Him. He is faithful, too - we haven't missed a bill or anything like that, but we haven't been able to meet some personal goals we were working on. We have dreams of being out of debt (short-term: except the mortgage; long-term: having no mortgage), so that we can tell our money where to go. There are many things we want to do with money, some personal & lots for others. I thought we were seeing the light at the end of the tunnel, but now... I never wanted to be in the position again where I HAD to work, but now that's what's saving us. I know that within just a few months we'll be seeing a change, but yet again, it's the waiting. The in-between.
There's also the ever-present health issues. I don't like talking much about it as if every day is horrible, but when I'm real about it, I am tired most days, don't sleep all that well, and have aches and pains almost every day. Stomach problems have also been a commonplace on and off occurrence for me. It's recently come to my attention that gluten may be a serious problem for me and other members of my family. Which I find funny (?) seeing as how the last couple of years I've gone on a whole grain kick. I was possibly hurting myself way more than helping. So my sister and I have done a lot of research, I have a friend at school that I'm talking with, and as of Monday, I'm trying to cut out all gluten from my diet. This will not be the easiest thing, but if it helps, it will be a Godsend. This is a experiment for me right now, and if it helps, I'd eventually like to be tested for Celiac Disease. I've gone back and forth about starting the diet or waiting until a diagnosis, but for financial reasons I have to wait on labwork. So I finally figured (with encouragement from my hubby) to just try and see. If I want a diagnosis later, I'll have to go off the diet for about 4 weeks and then get tested. But I'm willing to try if it means better health. So, again, I'll have to wait and see.
I'm not the best wait-er. Thank you, daddy; I don't have much patience. I also detest undone situations. Especially if I'm unsure of the outcome. Just a few weeks after my last blog, I felt like I was drowning in undone situations. We were trying to get the house sold (it didn't sell until April), we were getting close to moving into our new house (the ending of that was almost a nightmare), I was having some tough stuff at school, and other personal things were taking place that were 'unanswered'. I'm just not shining at those types of moments. Once spring was here, several things were settled. Yet only to have more undoneness occur just a few months later. Life, and life abundantly.
Are we being tested? Are we being refined? All I know for sure is that it WILL pass. Now, it may pass on to yet another undone situation, but I can get through this. I don't believe that there's a point in life's journey that everything is wonderful. That just isn't our fallen world. But thank God that I can enjoy the journey with all of its ups and downs. I can hold on to these hopes and dreams, no matter where I am on their path to coming true. Last week Malcolm and I had several deep conversations where I vomitted out my swirling thoughts and feelings and he helped me sort it out and/or just let me talk. (You really are getting so much better at that, babe.) I finally felt a 'let up' Friday morning as I was getting ready to leave the house. On a whim, I had grabbed some CDs to put in the car to listen to when I got tired of the radio. I put in a Bebo Norman CD I hadn't listened to in awhile, and actually hadn't listened to much to begin with. The album's title is Between the Dreaming and the Coming True, which is basically the theme of most of my underlying frustrations of late. We work and work and work at things because we know that they are a means to an 'end', and yet the toil becomes tiresome. I needed encouragement. I was feeling like I was coming out of it that morning, and then the first song made me know that my Father has been listening to all my vomitting and wanted me to know. Thanks, Bebo Norman, for the insight. The rest of the album is speaking to me as well. It's pretty amazing how God puts just the right things into our paths when we need them. And uses ordinary people to do extraordinary things. So this morning I'm thankful. I'm thankful for so many things, but I want to point out that undescribable peace; that confidence in Someone knowing how, why, when, what; the ability to hold on while I'm between the dreams and their fulfillment.
Into the Day, by Bebo Norman & Jason Ingram
You could turn a hundred years and never empty all your fears
They're pouring out like broken words and broken bones
They could fill a thousand pages, be the cry for all the ages
And the song for every soul who stands alone
The ache of life is more than you are able
Hold on love, don't give up
Don't close your eyes
The light is breaking through the night
Step out into the day, all the clouds and all the rain are gone
It's over now
Step out into the sun, for you have only begun to know
What it's all about
As the hungering dark gives way to the dawn, my love
It's over now
Time will let the story told grow and grow 'til it unfolds
In a way that even you cannot ignore
You can say the seasons change but never if you just remain
In a place where the freeze is at your door
What you don't know is the signs are right for the turning tide
Hold on, hold on
It won't be long
So hold on
I'm sitting at home today because Caitlyn's been ill since early Monday morning, throwing up and low grade fever - I now think it's the stomach flu. Malcolm was able to stay with her Monday and Tuesday, so I got things ready in my classroom yesterday so I could stay with her today. Malcolm is a terrific Dad, but not the greatest nurse as he has readily admitted. Caitlyn, on the other hand, is a wonderful patient. She's so 'strong' when she's sick, and just does what needs to be done. I'm going to be reminding her of that the next time she freaks out about a splinter. I've decided then that I will use today as 'catch up' day: catching up Caitlyn's strength, and catching up things I've been wanting to do like reading, networking, and blogging. Plus I guess I'll do some cleaning and school work as well.... blah. At least I've brushed my hair and teeth and even am now sitting with a clay mask on my face. Ah, the luxuries of staying at home... But, alas, I shall not dwell on that for now. Most likely tomorrow I will be heading back to school to my 3rd graders. The classroom is where I'm suppose to be during the day for this part of my journey. I'll truthfully admit that I would really like to be at home and be able to help out in my children's classrooms, go eat lunch with them, do things for other ladies during the day, etc., but for whatever reason, I'm needed exactly where I'm at. For what purpose, only God knows. And so I must focus on that instead of any 'too bad I can'ts'.... There may be a day when I can do all that stuff I want to do for my kids (although I'll probably never be able to do everything I want to do for them) - I just have to wait and see.
Yes, I now teach 3rd grade. 6th grade was... just not for me, I guess. I would love to tutor 6th grade, but teaching a whole class had its challenges. God just designs us a certain way, and I'm comfortable with the fact that I enjoy teaching the primary grades more. Teaching 6th grade for 2 years showed me that. I met some awesome kids and enjoyed teaching that Math, but it's hard for me to get past the attitude and apparent apathy. I admire the teachers that can deal with that year after year. I also didn't like the teacher I was some days when I had just had it, and so I just felt it was time for me to change grades. So far, I'm not as exhausted as I was, and I don't feel like I'm cheating my own family of the best me at the end of the day. So that's that.
Then there's the whole Grace Point 'thing'. I really do love that we're trying to do ministry the way we've dreamed of doing it. But is it everything we've wanted to do? Certainly not. Don't get me wrong, there are some great things that have happened and are happening. Yet, our timing and God's timing are two different things. I'm confidant He knows why and it's the best way. But for my worried, impatient mind, I'm really wondering what He's up to. And why can't He just do it my way. Or at least let me know how, when, what, etc. I'm trying to trust, I really am (who exactly am I trying to convince here...). So now I find myself in the position, uh, opportunity to help out with 'leading' music. I absolutely would rather just be in the team. I'm having to approach this differently in mindset. I don't want to be the 'leader', but definitely a team builder/player. I don't understand why we can't seem to have someone come be a part of GP who catches our mission and is musically talented and knows how to build a vocal/instrumental team all at the same time. I'm only 2 out of 3 and feel like I'm missing the latter and most important piece. So my fears and feelings of failure all come out to play together in my soul each time I think about this. God, help me. It's all about You anyway. Then there's the whole finance thing. This is the touchy, tricky thing to talk about. We've never been in ministry for the money. To think that is absurd, although we've had contact with some who believe that. Anyway, that being said, it is also a job. A paying job. And yet that's dependent on the people who come and their giving. Let's just say we've had a few months here lately where we're thankful that I'm working full time. Maybe we needed to remember that everything we have comes from Him. He is faithful, too - we haven't missed a bill or anything like that, but we haven't been able to meet some personal goals we were working on. We have dreams of being out of debt (short-term: except the mortgage; long-term: having no mortgage), so that we can tell our money where to go. There are many things we want to do with money, some personal & lots for others. I thought we were seeing the light at the end of the tunnel, but now... I never wanted to be in the position again where I HAD to work, but now that's what's saving us. I know that within just a few months we'll be seeing a change, but yet again, it's the waiting. The in-between.
There's also the ever-present health issues. I don't like talking much about it as if every day is horrible, but when I'm real about it, I am tired most days, don't sleep all that well, and have aches and pains almost every day. Stomach problems have also been a commonplace on and off occurrence for me. It's recently come to my attention that gluten may be a serious problem for me and other members of my family. Which I find funny (?) seeing as how the last couple of years I've gone on a whole grain kick. I was possibly hurting myself way more than helping. So my sister and I have done a lot of research, I have a friend at school that I'm talking with, and as of Monday, I'm trying to cut out all gluten from my diet. This will not be the easiest thing, but if it helps, it will be a Godsend. This is a experiment for me right now, and if it helps, I'd eventually like to be tested for Celiac Disease. I've gone back and forth about starting the diet or waiting until a diagnosis, but for financial reasons I have to wait on labwork. So I finally figured (with encouragement from my hubby) to just try and see. If I want a diagnosis later, I'll have to go off the diet for about 4 weeks and then get tested. But I'm willing to try if it means better health. So, again, I'll have to wait and see.
I'm not the best wait-er. Thank you, daddy; I don't have much patience. I also detest undone situations. Especially if I'm unsure of the outcome. Just a few weeks after my last blog, I felt like I was drowning in undone situations. We were trying to get the house sold (it didn't sell until April), we were getting close to moving into our new house (the ending of that was almost a nightmare), I was having some tough stuff at school, and other personal things were taking place that were 'unanswered'. I'm just not shining at those types of moments. Once spring was here, several things were settled. Yet only to have more undoneness occur just a few months later. Life, and life abundantly.
Are we being tested? Are we being refined? All I know for sure is that it WILL pass. Now, it may pass on to yet another undone situation, but I can get through this. I don't believe that there's a point in life's journey that everything is wonderful. That just isn't our fallen world. But thank God that I can enjoy the journey with all of its ups and downs. I can hold on to these hopes and dreams, no matter where I am on their path to coming true. Last week Malcolm and I had several deep conversations where I vomitted out my swirling thoughts and feelings and he helped me sort it out and/or just let me talk. (You really are getting so much better at that, babe.) I finally felt a 'let up' Friday morning as I was getting ready to leave the house. On a whim, I had grabbed some CDs to put in the car to listen to when I got tired of the radio. I put in a Bebo Norman CD I hadn't listened to in awhile, and actually hadn't listened to much to begin with. The album's title is Between the Dreaming and the Coming True, which is basically the theme of most of my underlying frustrations of late. We work and work and work at things because we know that they are a means to an 'end', and yet the toil becomes tiresome. I needed encouragement. I was feeling like I was coming out of it that morning, and then the first song made me know that my Father has been listening to all my vomitting and wanted me to know. Thanks, Bebo Norman, for the insight. The rest of the album is speaking to me as well. It's pretty amazing how God puts just the right things into our paths when we need them. And uses ordinary people to do extraordinary things. So this morning I'm thankful. I'm thankful for so many things, but I want to point out that undescribable peace; that confidence in Someone knowing how, why, when, what; the ability to hold on while I'm between the dreams and their fulfillment.
Into the Day, by Bebo Norman & Jason Ingram
You could turn a hundred years and never empty all your fears
They're pouring out like broken words and broken bones
They could fill a thousand pages, be the cry for all the ages
And the song for every soul who stands alone
The ache of life is more than you are able
Hold on love, don't give up
Don't close your eyes
The light is breaking through the night
Step out into the day, all the clouds and all the rain are gone
It's over now
Step out into the sun, for you have only begun to know
What it's all about
As the hungering dark gives way to the dawn, my love
It's over now
Time will let the story told grow and grow 'til it unfolds
In a way that even you cannot ignore
You can say the seasons change but never if you just remain
In a place where the freeze is at your door
What you don't know is the signs are right for the turning tide
Hold on, hold on
It won't be long
So hold on
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