Lemme 'splain

How often do you see someone that you think might have a bad impression of you & wish you could either explain yourself or have a do-over?

what do I want to be known for? There are some women that, every time I see them, I am renewed with a desire to be like them. They ....     And why do I want to be like that? Is it for me?


So, I started this blog several months ago while at a meeting with several other pastors and some wives. I saw a few people that met me at some point in the past, and at that time I was going through a difficult part of my journey. I can recall things that either I said or did that weren't necessarily what I would categorize as 'me'. But they were me at the time, weren't they?  If I'm downright honest with myself and the world, it was what I was thinking  or feeling at that particular time in my life. It may not have been what my overall personhood is, but it's what I could do in the midst of what I was going through. It's what those that love me deal with because they love me and accept me and know that we all go through times when we just aren't 'ourselves'. I kept putting off posting this, because I think I was still, well, AM still working through this part of me that is ashamed of some of the ways I have acted and some of the issues I've been working through over the past several years. I have this ideal picture in my head of who and what I want to be. And yet when I am striving to be that woman, I can get lost. I lose parts of the person I was created to be. I forget or refuse to see & accept what is inside of me that I can be proud of. I get clouded because I'm trying to be some perfect vision of a perfect woman. Perfection is unattainable and unreal. It distorts our view of true beauty.

I have been reading a couple of incredible books lately, and one is Daring Greatly by Brene Brown. It talks a lot of about shame that we put on ourselves and the need for vulnerability so we can heal, love ourselves,  and love others. She says,
"If we want freedom from perfectionism, we have to make the long journey from 'What will people think?' to 'I am enough'. That journey begins with shame resilience, self-compassion, and owning our stories. To claim the truths about who we are, where we come from, what we believe, and the very imperfect nature of our lives, we have to be willing to give ourselves a break and appreciate the beauty of our cracks or imperfections. To be kinder and gentler with ourselves and each other. To talk to ourselves the same way we'd talk to someone we care about."

BAM. Square between my eyes. Listen up, Christy.

The last couple of weeks have been tough physically. My fatigue got bad. I had a crick (whatever that word really is...) in my neck, and I have been fighting off a near sinus infection. I have added a couple supplements to my regimine (per doc orders) to fight off this fatigue, and so far it seems to be helping a bit. But when the tough days hit, it's easy for me to self-condemn. To look for what it is I must be doing wrong because I'm not totally healthy and better. I forget that I was depleted when all of this started. That I've probably been depleted for a number of years. That I have a long process ahead of me. That I'm learning more about myself and what I can or shouldn't be doing, eating, etc.  I begin to see all my faults and stuff from the past gets dragged up. It's a vicious cycle that my brain wants to ride, and I have been learning and exercising to capture every thought. I am training myself to stop the shame cycle. To see what actually does need dealt with and what needs to just be stopped and let truth reign.
What about you? Do you see people from the past, or even the present, with whom you wish you could have a redo? First of all, capture that thought. Secondly, live in your story. You can't change their thoughts anyway. Only they can do that. Just strive to be..... imperfect - wholly and wonderfully YOU. That's my journey, too.

shaking off shackles

I am having to work at capturing every thought this morning. Of course, while I'm studying through shame resilience and keeping control of emotions will I get pelted with reminders of my set backs, disappointments, body image, etc etc etc. I don't want to list it all or I feel like that is giving in.

This morning in particular I'm feeling frustration with health stuff. I'm having to remind myself that I have come a great deal forward from where I have been. I'm calling it out, admitting to myself that I need to be healthier and doing something more about it than just wallowing in self pity or pride. I know there are many worse things that could be taking place, but I have to say out loud that this IS an issue for me and am finding out that this is an issue for many women. We deserve (oh, how I hesitate to use that word..) to be healthier, to feel better, to have self-worth and value.

So I'm in a battle. I'm putting up arms against these negative thoughts & feelings towards myself. I am loved. I am valued. I was created for an abundant life. I am on a fantastic journey, if I will open my eyes and look around and see what all is taking place. What a ride!! I'm choosing to enjoy it!!  Even with all its ups & downs, twists & turns! I've got great company on this ride, thanks be to God!  And I apparantly love exclamation points!!!!
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2 Corinthians 10:5

momma said

it's been one of those days. I had a hard time getting out of bed. I ached all day. I had a hurting kid I had to get back in to the chiropractor this morning. This afternoon into evening the baby was clingy. I just feel down. I missed all my supplements I'm supposed to be taking. I didn't get to any exercises. I'm realizing I'm behind in keeping the checkbook, or the budget for that matter. I wanted to get the Christmas decorations put up, but haven't yet. I had 2 large cups of coffee today, as well as a Dr Pepper. I still have laundry to fold and/or hang up, BUT at least I actually got the laundry sorted and washed!!

I'm so glad that I've given up the desire to be perfect. Hahaha!!

I am currently reading a greatly insightful book that Malcolm urged me to read. Daring Greatly by Brene Brown is about being vulnerable and figuring out how to deal with shame. Shame is not just about feeling terrible about something bad you've done. I know that that is the feelings/definition I attached to that word every time I heard it. There are all types of shame, and I'm getting to the point in the book about developing 'shame resilience'. It's really good stuff. Everyone should read it. Unless you are an abnormal human being (& I don't mean that ugly) (well, maybe not) that never has any guilt in the deep part of their being in the middle of the night about anything they've ever done or said or thought or wrote or acted.... Get the point?  Get it. Read it. Heal.

All of that to say, after taking in all my disappointments, failures, shortcomings of today, I refuse to feel bad about myself. So I fell short of my goals today. I took care of my kids, I got up, got dressed, brushed my teeth, put deodorant on, cooked supper, did laundry... No shame. Momma said there'd be days like this.

Es la vida.

Se la vi.

 After all, tomorrow is another day.

(Did you just go back & say that in your best Scarlet O'Hara accent? Yeah, you will now, won't ya?)

looking forward

Welp, here we are. December 31st of 2014. Crazy. What a year it has been!  Big changes, not all expected, but it all works out, thanks be to God. I am currently sitting at a doctor's office waiting area. I'm here to follow up with my internal medicine doc about my thyroid. It's been 3 months since I changed meds. I'll get my blood drawn, too, and am hoping that it shows I need to go down in dosage. I have been noticing things that seem to indicate that. Which would mean that I'm doing better. I definitely have more energy than I used to. Not as much as I'd like, but more than I've had.

My current 'worry' in the middle of the night is that this is as good as my health will ever get and that I should at least be thankful for that much. This is something I constantly wrestle with. Am I not being content with the life I'm supposed to live if I am constantly striving for something better ?  Or does my Creator want me to continue to strive and live with better health? I don't want to be a total nut case about healthy living, but if I can do something that makes me feel better, I want to do that. I don't know if this makes sense to anyone, but it's a mental battle I struggle with.

Although I have noticed an uptake in energy, I would like a little more mental clarity. Ha ! Not sure if this is just because I'm mental or if anything can be done. HAHAHAHA!! Seriously, though, I still have trouble remembering things and deal with brain fog some days. I also have days that I ache, and have wondered about the difference on climate change having moved from the desert.

Anyway, just some thoughts/reflections as I wait to see my doctor and get blood drawn. It's taking awhile today.....

continuing on

Well, here I go. It's been a little over two weeks since I finished my 21 day cleanse. Several things that I have noticed: I don't crave sweets the way I used to! This is a huge thing for me, and I'm so glad! I can eat just a little bit of something, and that satisfies my sweet tooth. I am determined to keep it this way. Another thing I've noticed is that my sleep is more productive for the most part. I sleep hard, and once up in the morning, I'm generally able to stay awake. Now I still have some tough days, but I've been dealing with a cold and travel. Also, I'm still at the beginning of this journey, so I won't be wonderful quite yet.  I've lost several pounds and I've been able to keep them off, and can definitely tell that my energy level is continuing to rise. For these things, I am so thankful! I can't wait to see what 2015 holds for me and my health!

I've come to see how important the mental decision and determination is in order to get healthier and stay that way. I just went to the store today to buy ingredients for over 20 meals, and was able to spend under $200 for all of that. I'm pretty proud of myself! I realize it all comes down to planning, and the great thing is that most of these meals are pretty healthy. I want to not only get myself healthy, but set a standard for my kids to make better choices when putting things in their bodies. Not that we don't have treats now and then, but overall we are going to be healthier.

So basically my next step is to continue on with taking these supplements, getting into an exercise routine, continuing to drink a ton of water, and then in a little less than three months take a blood test and a hair analysis to see where all my levels are. I can't wait to see what 2015 holds! Thanks for all the encouraging notes and prayers. I covet them. They have helped me more than anyone can know.

Not so simple and mundane

For those with invisible illnesses, some simple tasks can become monumental.  What should be an ordinary, everyday task becomes painful and tiring. Which then brings the emotion. Disappointment. Frustration. Depression. Anxiety. Worry. Sadness. A wife wonders if she can truly be the partner her husband needs. A friend feels like she is failing all those who desire a relationship with her. A mom worries she won't be able to take care of her children the way she wants to, or that her children will always only see her as a weak and tired mom,  not the fun-loving person that's trapped inside her body.

This morning I had a very hard time getting out of bed. I got to the shower & as I began to shampoo my hair, my arms felt so weak that I had a hard time washing my hair. This is something I have struggled with on & off for a few years now. I had to remind myself this morning that I am in the process of getting better. I hope and pray that in a few months time, I won't have the muscle weakness and fatigue that I do today. But it makes me think of all those who carry these types of secrets with them day in and day out. There are so many that have these hidden illnesses and are too afraid or ashamed or tired of hearing that there are no answers for what ails them. Or know that "it could be so much worse" & struggle to stay positive. I feel so strongly that I should start speaking out so that others find they are not alone. We can join together not to bring pity on us or to act as if we need attention, but just to be encouragers. Even through that, there is healing.

As I was strolling through Facebook earlier, I watched a video I have seen before of a mother and son dancing at his wedding. It started out all serene and nice as is expected at a wedding reception, but then they began dancing to a medley of fun music. The mom was awesome, and I couldn't help but think "Lord, I want to be like that when my boy gets married. I want to have the energy to do things 15 years from now that I can only do in a short bursts today". I want the energy to play with my kids in the backyard for longer than five minutes. I want the energy to take them on hikes. Or walk for hours around an amusement park. Do all sorts of things that they want me to do that sometimes I just have to say no, not right now. Mommy has a headache, or Mommy is feeling really bad, or I'm just so tired. Well, I'm tired of feeling like a disappointment. And now I have a nine-month-old. I want her to grow up with an energetic mom who can get tasks completed, who can do what needs to be done all day without anxiety, who can be fun, entertaining, and active for more than a few minutes at a time.

So I end today wrapped in the hope that I have found some answers. That within a few months I will see marked improvement in my energy level. That I will not ache as much, or have headaches, or be as weak as I have been. That I will exercise and feel energized instead of needing to take a nap.

And my prayer is that through this, I can help others on their journey.

Mental discipline

I eat my emotions.
I'm bored; I want a salty snack.
I'm upset; I want something sweet.
I'm frustrated; gimme a snack.

I wonder what would have happened if I had been raised in a different home.

I think I deserve to eat something that isn't very healthy because I ate some healthy stuff earlier. Although I eat more of the unhealthy stuff than I should.

These are just some thoughts I had recently while working through a moment of really wanting  more than fruits & veggies. And I'm back at that weakness the last 24 hours or so. I'm tired of doing this cleanse!! I only have 5 more days, but I am so hungry for some bread, some cereal, some potatoes, some things with flour.... Ugh.

I keep reminding myself of my whys for doing this. But it also hit me yesterday while feeling kinda down, that this is just the first step in a long process. I think I've kinda plateaued with my energy boost - my muscles still ache and I still have some fatigue. I had to remind myself that these 21 days were just to get rid of some toxicity, and then after this I will have to rebuild my mineral levels and such. That will take a little longer. But at least I can eat more. !!

I am already having to plan for the days after this cleanse, introducing foods slowly so that I can see if anything causes a reaction. Bluck. More discipline. I'm tired. Whine whine whine. Maybe I should have some wine. Hardy haR har. Oh wait, I can't.  Not on the diet.

And it's cold. I want my sweet, creamy coffee. Whine whine some more.

Okay. I'm done for now.

Maybe.