momma said

it's been one of those days. I had a hard time getting out of bed. I ached all day. I had a hurting kid I had to get back in to the chiropractor this morning. This afternoon into evening the baby was clingy. I just feel down. I missed all my supplements I'm supposed to be taking. I didn't get to any exercises. I'm realizing I'm behind in keeping the checkbook, or the budget for that matter. I wanted to get the Christmas decorations put up, but haven't yet. I had 2 large cups of coffee today, as well as a Dr Pepper. I still have laundry to fold and/or hang up, BUT at least I actually got the laundry sorted and washed!!

I'm so glad that I've given up the desire to be perfect. Hahaha!!

I am currently reading a greatly insightful book that Malcolm urged me to read. Daring Greatly by Brene Brown is about being vulnerable and figuring out how to deal with shame. Shame is not just about feeling terrible about something bad you've done. I know that that is the feelings/definition I attached to that word every time I heard it. There are all types of shame, and I'm getting to the point in the book about developing 'shame resilience'. It's really good stuff. Everyone should read it. Unless you are an abnormal human being (& I don't mean that ugly) (well, maybe not) that never has any guilt in the deep part of their being in the middle of the night about anything they've ever done or said or thought or wrote or acted.... Get the point?  Get it. Read it. Heal.

All of that to say, after taking in all my disappointments, failures, shortcomings of today, I refuse to feel bad about myself. So I fell short of my goals today. I took care of my kids, I got up, got dressed, brushed my teeth, put deodorant on, cooked supper, did laundry... No shame. Momma said there'd be days like this.

Es la vida.

Se la vi.

 After all, tomorrow is another day.

(Did you just go back & say that in your best Scarlet O'Hara accent? Yeah, you will now, won't ya?)

looking forward

Welp, here we are. December 31st of 2014. Crazy. What a year it has been!  Big changes, not all expected, but it all works out, thanks be to God. I am currently sitting at a doctor's office waiting area. I'm here to follow up with my internal medicine doc about my thyroid. It's been 3 months since I changed meds. I'll get my blood drawn, too, and am hoping that it shows I need to go down in dosage. I have been noticing things that seem to indicate that. Which would mean that I'm doing better. I definitely have more energy than I used to. Not as much as I'd like, but more than I've had.

My current 'worry' in the middle of the night is that this is as good as my health will ever get and that I should at least be thankful for that much. This is something I constantly wrestle with. Am I not being content with the life I'm supposed to live if I am constantly striving for something better ?  Or does my Creator want me to continue to strive and live with better health? I don't want to be a total nut case about healthy living, but if I can do something that makes me feel better, I want to do that. I don't know if this makes sense to anyone, but it's a mental battle I struggle with.

Although I have noticed an uptake in energy, I would like a little more mental clarity. Ha ! Not sure if this is just because I'm mental or if anything can be done. HAHAHAHA!! Seriously, though, I still have trouble remembering things and deal with brain fog some days. I also have days that I ache, and have wondered about the difference on climate change having moved from the desert.

Anyway, just some thoughts/reflections as I wait to see my doctor and get blood drawn. It's taking awhile today.....

continuing on

Well, here I go. It's been a little over two weeks since I finished my 21 day cleanse. Several things that I have noticed: I don't crave sweets the way I used to! This is a huge thing for me, and I'm so glad! I can eat just a little bit of something, and that satisfies my sweet tooth. I am determined to keep it this way. Another thing I've noticed is that my sleep is more productive for the most part. I sleep hard, and once up in the morning, I'm generally able to stay awake. Now I still have some tough days, but I've been dealing with a cold and travel. Also, I'm still at the beginning of this journey, so I won't be wonderful quite yet.  I've lost several pounds and I've been able to keep them off, and can definitely tell that my energy level is continuing to rise. For these things, I am so thankful! I can't wait to see what 2015 holds for me and my health!

I've come to see how important the mental decision and determination is in order to get healthier and stay that way. I just went to the store today to buy ingredients for over 20 meals, and was able to spend under $200 for all of that. I'm pretty proud of myself! I realize it all comes down to planning, and the great thing is that most of these meals are pretty healthy. I want to not only get myself healthy, but set a standard for my kids to make better choices when putting things in their bodies. Not that we don't have treats now and then, but overall we are going to be healthier.

So basically my next step is to continue on with taking these supplements, getting into an exercise routine, continuing to drink a ton of water, and then in a little less than three months take a blood test and a hair analysis to see where all my levels are. I can't wait to see what 2015 holds! Thanks for all the encouraging notes and prayers. I covet them. They have helped me more than anyone can know.

Not so simple and mundane

For those with invisible illnesses, some simple tasks can become monumental.  What should be an ordinary, everyday task becomes painful and tiring. Which then brings the emotion. Disappointment. Frustration. Depression. Anxiety. Worry. Sadness. A wife wonders if she can truly be the partner her husband needs. A friend feels like she is failing all those who desire a relationship with her. A mom worries she won't be able to take care of her children the way she wants to, or that her children will always only see her as a weak and tired mom,  not the fun-loving person that's trapped inside her body.

This morning I had a very hard time getting out of bed. I got to the shower & as I began to shampoo my hair, my arms felt so weak that I had a hard time washing my hair. This is something I have struggled with on & off for a few years now. I had to remind myself this morning that I am in the process of getting better. I hope and pray that in a few months time, I won't have the muscle weakness and fatigue that I do today. But it makes me think of all those who carry these types of secrets with them day in and day out. There are so many that have these hidden illnesses and are too afraid or ashamed or tired of hearing that there are no answers for what ails them. Or know that "it could be so much worse" & struggle to stay positive. I feel so strongly that I should start speaking out so that others find they are not alone. We can join together not to bring pity on us or to act as if we need attention, but just to be encouragers. Even through that, there is healing.

As I was strolling through Facebook earlier, I watched a video I have seen before of a mother and son dancing at his wedding. It started out all serene and nice as is expected at a wedding reception, but then they began dancing to a medley of fun music. The mom was awesome, and I couldn't help but think "Lord, I want to be like that when my boy gets married. I want to have the energy to do things 15 years from now that I can only do in a short bursts today". I want the energy to play with my kids in the backyard for longer than five minutes. I want the energy to take them on hikes. Or walk for hours around an amusement park. Do all sorts of things that they want me to do that sometimes I just have to say no, not right now. Mommy has a headache, or Mommy is feeling really bad, or I'm just so tired. Well, I'm tired of feeling like a disappointment. And now I have a nine-month-old. I want her to grow up with an energetic mom who can get tasks completed, who can do what needs to be done all day without anxiety, who can be fun, entertaining, and active for more than a few minutes at a time.

So I end today wrapped in the hope that I have found some answers. That within a few months I will see marked improvement in my energy level. That I will not ache as much, or have headaches, or be as weak as I have been. That I will exercise and feel energized instead of needing to take a nap.

And my prayer is that through this, I can help others on their journey.

Mental discipline

I eat my emotions.
I'm bored; I want a salty snack.
I'm upset; I want something sweet.
I'm frustrated; gimme a snack.

I wonder what would have happened if I had been raised in a different home.

I think I deserve to eat something that isn't very healthy because I ate some healthy stuff earlier. Although I eat more of the unhealthy stuff than I should.

These are just some thoughts I had recently while working through a moment of really wanting  more than fruits & veggies. And I'm back at that weakness the last 24 hours or so. I'm tired of doing this cleanse!! I only have 5 more days, but I am so hungry for some bread, some cereal, some potatoes, some things with flour.... Ugh.

I keep reminding myself of my whys for doing this. But it also hit me yesterday while feeling kinda down, that this is just the first step in a long process. I think I've kinda plateaued with my energy boost - my muscles still ache and I still have some fatigue. I had to remind myself that these 21 days were just to get rid of some toxicity, and then after this I will have to rebuild my mineral levels and such. That will take a little longer. But at least I can eat more. !!

I am already having to plan for the days after this cleanse, introducing foods slowly so that I can see if anything causes a reaction. Bluck. More discipline. I'm tired. Whine whine whine. Maybe I should have some wine. Hardy haR har. Oh wait, I can't.  Not on the diet.

And it's cold. I want my sweet, creamy coffee. Whine whine some more.

Okay. I'm done for now.

Maybe.

I am not a vegetarian.

The last several years I have learned things about myself. Some things I was glad to learn. Some things came out of struggle. Some things I had to eat a piece of humble pie while admitting them. But this past 9 days I have learned something that I am proud of and its out of a struggle: I am an omnivore. I like veggies. I like fruit. I like meat. I don't think I would be a super happy person if I ever HAD to be a vegetarian.

But I have also learned that I have more willpower than I thought I had. I have really pushed myself this past week. I've had to smell garlic breadsticks and not touch them. I've had to listen to people drink Dr Pepper and not partake. I've had to sit and watch others eat fried chicken and sip on my water instead. But I have done it. And I can still smile.

It's been overwhelming. It's been frustrating. I'm glad it has an end. My energy has increased to a degree, and I can tell there are some internal things going on, such as my temperature seems to be regulating a bit. For those who have intolerance to cold or hot flashes (of which I've stuggled with both, the heat being just because of pregnancy).  Only time will tell exactly what all is happening inside, and that is what I cling to when I really want something else to eat besides fruit and veggies (& only certain ones of those).

I'm sharing about this journey & finally speaking about my personal struggles only because I have met so many women who are or have struggled with the same issues I have. Here's just a short list: fatigue, muscle and joint aches, dry skin & hair, diminished appetite with no weight loss, feeling cold most of the time, anxiety, some depression, brittle nails, problems with menstruation, brain fog, did I say fatigue? And on and on. Just the other night I saw that super dry feet may be a sign of thyroid issues. The thyroid is basically the regulator for every other system in the body, especially hormonal systems. I have been saying to myself and only a few others that I don't believe I should have to just live with these ailments like I've had some doctors tell me. There HAS to be something wrong internally that is causing these things to happen. Finally I have found someone in the medical field that believes that, too. I feel like I've become an advocate for this. So many people deal with this stuff and we don't take care of ourselves, usually because we don't know how & we can't get others to take us seriously. After all, I don't LOOK like I has any real health issues.... In my case, I would try, but I would get so tired of trying different things & nothing working. I now have 'evidence' that something IS going on internally and I now have tools to help myself. I also had to come to a point mentally that said, "Enough is enough. It's time to get serious about this, and keep searching until I find answers." It has been and probably will continue to be a long process. When it comes down to it, I am the only one that can change it. I can have help and support, but I have to be the one to drink more water, to eat better things that my body can process easier, to change some habits, to take the supplements I need, to seek out the right help & go to those appointments. So I'm in that process. Purifying out the toxins in order to rebuild the minerals and other essentials my body has exhausted.

And starting tomorrow, eating meat again. Hallelujah, pass me the cow.

I want chocolate

Today has been a tough mental day. The last few days I have had some severe muscle pain, and today my right hip has hurt awfully. (This has been an ongoing thing for a few years now.) I  realized this morning that some of the pain may be because I have not been taking my Vitamin D that I was supposed to be taking. I take so many pills because of the supplements that I just didn't want to take anymore. So I  started that up again this afternoon. We shall see if it helps. I'm trying not to burn all the new energy I'm having (it's not a lot, but it's more than I've had in awhile). This evening though, I really wanted to cook and was able to make tonight's meal plus get one ready for tomorrow. But my hip just started having shooting pain and I had to use ice and now heat the get any relief.

I'm feeling a bit overwhelmed. Yesterday we went out to eat for lunch and I had a great salad, but oh, the bread on the table looked so delicious. Today even the trash smelled good at one point. I kept thinking, you know you're on a cleanse when even the trash smells good....

 I just want chocolate. And bread. And something other than just water to drink. (We all know that means Dr Pepper.)

So I'm feeling a bit whiney. Besides the energy and the little weight loss, I'm not seeing any big results quite yet. Which shows my impatience, since it's only day 6. But the pain today has made me come a little unglued. I've been dealing with (& hiding) my almost constant pain for years now that I have a hard time even figuring out when it really started. I dealt with fatigue in high school. It's just gotten more constant and severe over the last 8 years, really getting bad the last 4/5. I like to chant to myself that there is always always something to be thankful for. I know that there is always someone who has it worse. Things could be so much worse. I have so much to be grateful for , and I cling to those in desperate times.  Those times in the middle of the night, or when soaking in a hot bath, or driving by myself. Those are the times when I can get overwhelmed and depressed with this achiness and fatigue and feeling of being a failure. My biggest fear about doing this cleanse and the things I will be doing afterward is that it won't change anything. That I will always feel this way. That I can never feel normal or have enough energy or lack of pain. But then I dare to hope. To capture those negative thoughts and remember Who is in control.

So that's where I am tonight. You got the raw edition.

Now hang on to a piece of chocolate for me. I have 15 more days....