Between dreaming and coming true

I knew it had been a long time since I had blogged, but almost 11 months?? Goodness! Well, at least hardly anyone reads this, so no one really missed me. :)
I'm sitting at home today because Caitlyn's been ill since early Monday morning, throwing up and low grade fever - I now think it's the stomach flu. Malcolm was able to stay with her Monday and Tuesday, so I got things ready in my classroom yesterday so I could stay with her today. Malcolm is a terrific Dad, but not the greatest nurse as he has readily admitted. Caitlyn, on the other hand, is a wonderful patient. She's so 'strong' when she's sick, and just does what needs to be done. I'm going to be reminding her of that the next time she freaks out about a splinter. I've decided then that I will use today as 'catch up' day: catching up Caitlyn's strength, and catching up things I've been wanting to do like reading, networking, and blogging. Plus I guess I'll do some cleaning and school work as well.... blah. At least I've brushed my hair and teeth and even am now sitting with a clay mask on my face. Ah, the luxuries of staying at home... But, alas, I shall not dwell on that for now. Most likely tomorrow I will be heading back to school to my 3rd graders. The classroom is where I'm suppose to be during the day for this part of my journey. I'll truthfully admit that I would really like to be at home and be able to help out in my children's classrooms, go eat lunch with them, do things for other ladies during the day, etc., but for whatever reason, I'm needed exactly where I'm at. For what purpose, only God knows. And so I must focus on that instead of any 'too bad I can'ts'.... There may be a day when I can do all that stuff I want to do for my kids (although I'll probably never be able to do everything I want to do for them) - I just have to wait and see.
Yes, I now teach 3rd grade. 6th grade was... just not for me, I guess. I would love to tutor 6th grade, but teaching a whole class had its challenges. God just designs us a certain way, and I'm comfortable with the fact that I enjoy teaching the primary grades more. Teaching 6th grade for 2 years showed me that. I met some awesome kids and enjoyed teaching that Math, but it's hard for me to get past the attitude and apparent apathy. I admire the teachers that can deal with that year after year. I also didn't like the teacher I was some days when I had just had it, and so I just felt it was time for me to change grades. So far, I'm not as exhausted as I was, and I don't feel like I'm cheating my own family of the best me at the end of the day. So that's that.
Then there's the whole Grace Point 'thing'. I really do love that we're trying to do ministry the way we've dreamed of doing it. But is it everything we've wanted to do? Certainly not. Don't get me wrong, there are some great things that have happened and are happening. Yet, our timing and God's timing are two different things. I'm confidant He knows why and it's the best way. But for my worried, impatient mind, I'm really wondering what He's up to. And why can't He just do it my way. Or at least let me know how, when, what, etc. I'm trying to trust, I really am (who exactly am I trying to convince here...). So now I find myself in the position, uh, opportunity to help out with 'leading' music. I absolutely would rather just be in the team. I'm having to approach this differently in mindset. I don't want to be the 'leader', but definitely a team builder/player. I don't understand why we can't seem to have someone come be a part of GP who catches our mission and is musically talented and knows how to build a vocal/instrumental team all at the same time. I'm only 2 out of 3 and feel like I'm missing the latter and most important piece. So my fears and feelings of failure all come out to play together in my soul each time I think about this. God, help me. It's all about You anyway. Then there's the whole finance thing. This is the touchy, tricky thing to talk about. We've never been in ministry for the money. To think that is absurd, although we've had contact with some who believe that. Anyway, that being said, it is also a job. A paying job. And yet that's dependent on the people who come and their giving. Let's just say we've had a few months here lately where we're thankful that I'm working full time. Maybe we needed to remember that everything we have comes from Him. He is faithful, too - we haven't missed a bill or anything like that, but we haven't been able to meet some personal goals we were working on. We have dreams of being out of debt (short-term: except the mortgage; long-term: having no mortgage), so that we can tell our money where to go. There are many things we want to do with money, some personal & lots for others. I thought we were seeing the light at the end of the tunnel, but now... I never wanted to be in the position again where I HAD to work, but now that's what's saving us. I know that within just a few months we'll be seeing a change, but yet again, it's the waiting. The in-between.
There's also the ever-present health issues. I don't like talking much about it as if every day is horrible, but when I'm real about it, I am tired most days, don't sleep all that well, and have aches and pains almost every day. Stomach problems have also been a commonplace on and off occurrence for me. It's recently come to my attention that gluten may be a serious problem for me and other members of my family. Which I find funny (?) seeing as how the last couple of years I've gone on a whole grain kick. I was possibly hurting myself way more than helping. So my sister and I have done a lot of research, I have a friend at school that I'm talking with, and as of Monday, I'm trying to cut out all gluten from my diet. This will not be the easiest thing, but if it helps, it will be a Godsend. This is a experiment for me right now, and if it helps, I'd eventually like to be tested for Celiac Disease. I've gone back and forth about starting the diet or waiting until a diagnosis, but for financial reasons I have to wait on labwork. So I finally figured (with encouragement from my hubby) to just try and see. If I want a diagnosis later, I'll have to go off the diet for about 4 weeks and then get tested. But I'm willing to try if it means better health. So, again, I'll have to wait and see.
I'm not the best wait-er. Thank you, daddy; I don't have much patience. I also detest undone situations. Especially if I'm unsure of the outcome. Just a few weeks after my last blog, I felt like I was drowning in undone situations. We were trying to get the house sold (it didn't sell until April), we were getting close to moving into our new house (the ending of that was almost a nightmare), I was having some tough stuff at school, and other personal things were taking place that were 'unanswered'. I'm just not shining at those types of moments. Once spring was here, several things were settled. Yet only to have more undoneness occur just a few months later. Life, and life abundantly.
Are we being tested? Are we being refined? All I know for sure is that it WILL pass. Now, it may pass on to yet another undone situation, but I can get through this. I don't believe that there's a point in life's journey that everything is wonderful. That just isn't our fallen world. But thank God that I can enjoy the journey with all of its ups and downs. I can hold on to these hopes and dreams, no matter where I am on their path to coming true. Last week Malcolm and I had several deep conversations where I vomitted out my swirling thoughts and feelings and he helped me sort it out and/or just let me talk. (You really are getting so much better at that, babe.) I finally felt a 'let up' Friday morning as I was getting ready to leave the house. On a whim, I had grabbed some CDs to put in the car to listen to when I got tired of the radio. I put in a Bebo Norman CD I hadn't listened to in awhile, and actually hadn't listened to much to begin with. The album's title is Between the Dreaming and the Coming True, which is basically the theme of most of my underlying frustrations of late. We work and work and work at things because we know that they are a means to an 'end', and yet the toil becomes tiresome. I needed encouragement. I was feeling like I was coming out of it that morning, and then the first song made me know that my Father has been listening to all my vomitting and wanted me to know. Thanks, Bebo Norman, for the insight. The rest of the album is speaking to me as well. It's pretty amazing how God puts just the right things into our paths when we need them. And uses ordinary people to do extraordinary things. So this morning I'm thankful. I'm thankful for so many things, but I want to point out that undescribable peace; that confidence in Someone knowing how, why, when, what; the ability to hold on while I'm between the dreams and their fulfillment.

Into the Day, by Bebo Norman & Jason Ingram

You could turn a hundred years and never empty all your fears
They're pouring out like broken words and broken bones
They could fill a thousand pages, be the cry for all the ages
And the song for every soul who stands alone
The ache of life is more than you are able

Hold on love, don't give up
Don't close your eyes
The light is breaking through the night
Step out into the day, all the clouds and all the rain are gone
It's over now
Step out into the sun, for you have only begun to know
What it's all about
As the hungering dark gives way to the dawn, my love
It's over now

Time will let the story told grow and grow 'til it unfolds
In a way that even you cannot ignore
You can say the seasons change but never if you just remain
In a place where the freeze is at your door
What you don't know is the signs are right for the turning tide
Hold on, hold on
It won't be long
So hold on

Soap Box for the Church Planter's Wife

So, this isn't going to be some gossipy blog. Nor will it be rosy. So if you really aren't interested, please stop reading now.. This blog is more of a personal nature, allowing me to vent a little in order to get it out, put my big girl panties on, and get over it. Sometimes you just need that every now and again, and I'd rather not vomit on anyone verbally, so I'll type it out. :) Once again, feel free to do something else with your online time....

Still there??? This is your last chance to back out...

My life is a little crazy right now, and even as I say that I think that that's stupid. Things could be so much worse. But sometimes it just seems like everything's a little off, and there are little things that add together to just make you feel.... blah, irritable, frustrated, yada yada yada.

I cannot seem to completely get rid of this cold. I'm not sure if we had the flu or not, but this lingering snot/cough has stuck around long enough. I'm sick of it. Ready to be able to breathe fully. So that is something that plays into this... yuck-ness.

Then, the kids just seem to be at each other lately. Of course, right now, they're playing wonderfully in Drew's room. But I'm sure that at any time, there shall be screaming. Lately they do things just to make each other mad. I know that's perfectly normal, but it's irritating. And Andrew has been throwing these fits that come out of nowhere, just when we thought he was over that. I really just want to ask him why in the world he thinks screaming and crying will help his plight when we've never, I repeat NEVER, given in and let him have what he wants when he acts like that??? Does he think he's got a new set of parents who LIKE that kind of nonsense??? I just don't get it why after 50,000 times of whining he thinks MAYBE THIS time, they'll give in. It's just crazy to me. And frustrating. And right when we're trying to really give him choices and not just scream and act like 3 year olds ourselves. He really tries me. And I think he knows it. So that is also something that plays into this... yuck-ness.

We're also in the midst, nearing the end of building the new house. While this is extremely exciting and a dream-come-ture, it's also kinda stressful. Not so much the new house end, but selling the old house. I've packed up most of my personal pictures and decorations, keeping the feel of the house very neutral (thank you, HGTV). And I decided not to get out my cherished fall decor for the same reasons. Trying to keep the house basically clean - enough where we can pick up at a moment's notice - is getting old, and can be rather hard with two kids who love to play anywhere around the house. We've also had lots of traffic, which is a good thing, but no offer. Oh, I take that back. We had an idiot (sorry) give us an offer for about $26K less than our asking price. I guess that just doesn't count in my book. We've been told that there is a couple who says that want our house, but had to wait until the end of the month to make an offer. Well, it's November 1st....... I'm so impatient, and just want the debt paid off and money in the bank. I want to be packing up the rest of the decor and things we don't need for day-to-day life. I want to be getting things ready to move. I want to have a huge yard sale. I'm ready to be done with this house!!! So, this is also a huge part of this... yuck-ness.

And of course today is Sunday. I love Sundays, generally. But I'm at a point right now that is ... questionable. Grace Point has been an incredible experience. Church planting is not for sissies, though, let me tell ya. There's so much I can say here, that I'm afraid I won't make much sense, but as this blog is more for me to vent than for anyone to understand, I guess it doesn't matter. We are technically doing very well, seeing as we started 3 years ago with 12 adults and now have a consistent 60 -70 people attending on Sundays. But we feel like we should be more. And there's so much more we want to do, it's hard to be patient. It's hard to not see people attending have the same passion for things like we feel should be evident. And they may really want to do more, but we just don't hear about it or maybe we aren't asking for help in the right way, or .. I just don't know. It's frustrating to see my husband doing so much and people asking him to do more. It's aggravating for people to SAY they want to be a part and say they'll do anything and then not show up for weeks at a time. I'm tired of supplies being at my house. I'm tired of the same few people being the volunteers all of the time. I'm frustrated that things start to happen and for a few months there's this excitement and then key people decide to leave or attend somewhere else and never give a true, straight reason, leaving the core group bruised and wondering about who we are and what we're about and just not understanding what's happening. I'm sick and tired of not having a music leader STAY for more than a few months. This is such an integral, important part of what we do, and Malcolm and I have such a passion for what worship truly is, but need a leader that shares the same passion of worship AND the vision of GP AND what we want to do in this community AND a burden for the people of Odessa. We just can't seem to find that person and are so at a loss as to why or how. I'm tired of seeing my husband deflated when things aren't going quite right and he's left confused and blaming himself. I'm tired of not having the answers for him. I'm tired of not knowing the right things to say, and I'm mad at myself for not doing MY part to the best of my ability. It's frustrating to feel like I have nothing left to give GP after a week at school and not giving my all to the family. And then I battle between feeling like I shouldn't HAVE to be in charge of anything, that I shouldn't HAVE to be involved in several things, but realizing that I SHOULD do something because I am a part of GP and have a burden for this community and need to model that at some level. But then there's always that lingering concern that someone is thinking, "she needs to do that because she's the pastor's wife". Then I get angry at myself because I despise worrying about what others are thinking. I actually feel very free of those accusations since being involved in GP, but that doubt always comes creeping back in from past painful experience. And this morning was just crazy because we were out of several things and I had to make a trip back home for styrofoam cups that were in our shed instead of the trailer. It frustrates me because no one told us last week that we were out of those things. Or I didn't listen. Either one. So when mornings occur like this one, I get mad at Malcolm. Then I get mad at other people or the lack thereof. Then I get mad at myself for a myriad of reasons. And then I'm just mad and miserable and NOT in any frame of mind to encourage anyone.

What an attitude. I really should win planter's wife of the year. I'm sure they give that out somewhere... ? And what, praytell, would THAT look like??? I'm pretty sure I DON'T want to meet HER. I'd probably want to strangle her. And her perfectly behaving little children, too. :)

Pigs and Butts

So Saturday morning found me picking up trash around the Music City Mall here in Odessa (Don't ask me why it's called 'Music City', 'cause we aren't....). Grace Point has adopted that spot of Odessa (the perimeter roads of it) to keep clean. Saturday was a 'Keep Odessa Beautiful' day, where groups cleaned all over the city. So we used that day to do 3 projects, and I was the 'supervisor' for the adopt-a-spot. We got a good little group together, spread out, and picked up trash. I couldn't believe all the little pieces of trash I was having to pick up. There were also very wierd things (one teen found a water bottle with vomit in it - how that occurred I DON'T want to know), unmentionables, and plenty of cigarette butts. The thought hit me - some people are such pigs; but then I thought how unsurprised I actually was about the trash. We EXPECT people to be pigs. We EXPECT that people are going to roll down their windows and throw all sorts of things into the wind to land wherever. Why do we continue to accept this or at least become callous to it? How hard would it be to throw that trash in a can? Even to take it home and throw it away would just take a little effort. Are we really so lazy that we could care less about what our community looks like? It made me kinda sad. The number of butts I picked up was astounding! A couple of areas was where water had washed through and formed a dam of sorts made up of dead grass, pine needles, and cigarette butts. It was pretty gross. But I picked it up with my gloved hands and shoved it in the trash bag. Did I get all of them. Not even close. But I do feel a litttle better about that area of town. And I was glad to have participated in something that made me aware of how trashy we allow ourselves to be. I for one am going to throw my trash in a trash can. If I am to be a pig, I'll do it with food. And then I'll have to butt to prove it.

what really matters

Yesterday morning around 330 or so, my dad had a near fatal heart attack. Many people know this by now, and here's some details:

Dad was attending a men's retreat in Buda, TX, just south of Austin. My Uncle Larry and cousin Aaron were also there. He woke up with terrible pain in his chest, like incredible heart burn. He said that his arm was tingling a bit, too. He laid there for awhile, wondering if it would go away. He realized it was more serious than heart burn, and began to get very scared. So he woke up Uncle Larry. They finally called an ambulance, and then also began trying to get ahold of us. He didn't want them to call Mom, but for us to call her and then take her to Austin. It took several calls for us to wake up, and when we did (just after 430), we knew something had happened. I followed Malcolm into the kitchen and when I could hear my uncle's voice through the phone, I almost fainted. It's one of my fears slapping me in the face. My heart started beating hard in my chest and I had to sit down. Enough about me, though. Dad was scared and made sure Larry knew to tell us all how much he loves us, etc. When the paramedics got there, they determined that he was probably having a heart attack, and they rushed him to South Austin Hospital. Upon that news, Malcolm got dressed and got ready to go pick up Mom (who was getting ready as well). By this time, the ambulance had gotten Dad to the hospital, they had gone in (through the groin) and had seen that an artery (not sure which one) was 99% blocked! They put in a stent (sp?) and said the other arteries were okay, but one was 'diseased' and would heal itself over time with rest, diet change, etc. As Malcolm kissed me goodbye, I asked him what vehicle he was going to take, and he said that he felt like the van would be more reliable. I had just filled it up with gas the night before, so it was good to go. They got on the road and had traveled about 40 minutes when they hit a deer!! Mom said she finds it ironic that she lived in Missouri for almost 10 years and saw many deer, even slowing way down in order not to hit some, and then moves to West Texas and hits one. They saw it about to cross the road, but Malcolm knew he couldn't swerve or it would have been worse. Sure enough, he slows down, grips the wheel to keep going straight, and the deer ran right into their path. What is it with kamikazi deer? Stupid animals. Too bad we weren't able to save the meat. (sorry to all those PEDA people out there...) So he calls me; it's almost 700 by now, and I just about lose it. I call my sister to let her know, and then got the kids up and dressed. Made sure I brushed my teeth and got some things ready. Called some good friends who were going to do some things at Grace Point for us, and they said to come get their van. So then I headed out to pick up Mom and Malcolm. I had the thought when I got south of Odessa, that if I hit a deer, I wasn't calling anyone else to come and get us - we'd figure something else out; I didn't want to endanger anyone else!! :) The van had stopped right after they hit the deer, and the tow truck got there minutes before I did. I'm so thankful he took the van - the car would have been much worse. They say that they barely felt the impact, and that the deer went flipping and rolling away from the van. (Pics are on Malcolm's FB if anyone is interested....boys!!) So I picked them up and then we headed back to Odessa. Now, Malcolm and I were suppose to be heading to KC today to attend our annual CMA conference (church planting stuff). By this time, I had pretty much decided that I wouldn't be going - Mom and Dad were going to watch the kids. We knew that others would have gladly and capably watched them, but I didn't feel like I wanted to be away from them now, and I needed to take care of things for Mom and Dad on this end. So we got back to our house and cancelled my flight in order to make arrangements for Mom to fly to Austin. We got her on a plane at 1205 and she made it there only a few hours after they would have gotten there by car. Dad is still in ICU - they don't have a regular room available, but hope to get him in one tomorrow. His incision sight 'seeped' quite a bit, but we were told that's normal - in order for the stent to work properly, they have to give him something to keep blood from clotting. Once that bag was empty, his blood started clotting again, and by this morning it was good. Mom had to 'sleep' in the ICU waiting room last night - she didn't want to leave the hospital, but couldn't stay in Dad's room - she's staying in a hotel tonight. The doctor is now saying that he's doing great and should be able to leave Wednesday (had originally said Thursday)! Another crazy thing - when Mom and Malcolm got to the airport, Mom realized that she didn't have a photo ID. She had a temp license because she had gone to get a TX ID recently. She asked Malcolm if they'd let her through if she cried at them. He said she could cry and he would laugh. But they let her through with the temp and a credit card! Malcolm was trying to decide whether or not he should go ahead and go to KC, and seemed to be waiting on me to make the decision. I love that man. I would love for him to be here with me, or me to be there with him, but I decided he should go ahead & go. It's such a great time to get recharged and meet up with other church planters to encourage and be encouraged. So he left today, and I managed to only tear up a little when hugging him good-bye. He'll be back Wednesday evening.

So many things to be thankful for:

*Dad was with his brother and nephew and many other men who did what they could - some that know us and some that know my dad. They took up a collection later that morning, and made arrangements in case Mom needed anything. Thanks to all of those people who rallied around Dad and our family.

*Dad was not traveling back home yet. If he had been by himself on the road, the outcome would not have been the same...

*The hospital they took him to worked fast and efficiently. His doctor is well-known and very experienced. The whole staff has been great so far. (Dad was thrilled most of them were veterans. :) )

*Malcolm took the van instead of the car. Sure, it's gone now (the insurance people go look at it tomorrow, but I'm pretty sure it's a goner), but it could have been so much worse. They aren't hurt!

*We were able to get Mom on the plane. And then Malcolm calls me while in Dallas on a layover. They needed ONE person to be willing to go on a later flight. He jumped up and accepted not only a free ticket up to the price of his (which then gives us back my original ticket in a sense), but also $100 credit towards another flight, I believe. How awesome is that? And he's only a couple of hours later getting in to KC!

*Our friends at Grace Point have just encouraged us so much. They have really welcomed Mom and Dad into our church these last few months, and are concerned about them and us. It's a huge encouragement to know that people are caring and praying for those we love as well as ourselves.

*We've had friends in the Austin and San Antonio area that have called us and are planning to or have already visited Mom and Dad. This is huge for Malcolm and I - friends of ours that are caring for our parents when we can't be right there. This just warms my heart so much and we are so thankful for this.

*Word got around so fast because of the internet. It's great to have a tool where we can spread the word about a need and many have responded with encouraging words. Thanks to all of you who are even just thinking about us. It helps to know there are those out there who care.

*Since I already had 3 days off in order to head to KC, I'm still taking 2 of those days. I'll go back to school Wednesday, but my principal and fellow 6th grade teachers wanted me to feel free to take tomorrow off as well, which I appreciate. I am so exhausted but grateful to spend the day somewhat alone today, and tomorrow Andrew and I will 'bond'.

This whole thing of course makes one really think about life. We are such a close-knit family. Now that I had a too close call of losing my dad, our time together will be even more precious. I was so glad to hear his voice on the phone yesterday. I hate that my sis is so far away, but what will be will be. I'm just thankful for phone and internet. I'm not ready to lose either of my parents. I guess no one ever really is. My mom lost her Dad when we were very little. I now wonder how she got through. It gives me even more admiration for her and her inner strength. She was so strong yesterday and we all wanted to smother her and hold her hand. For being the tiniest of the whole family, she's got to be one of the strongest. This also makes me not want to go back to work. That's kinda crazy, but right now at this point, I just want to spend most of my time with my family. I'll have to go back, and I'll carry out my mission while I'm there, and I'll eventually get my attitude back to where I usually try to have it in any situation: I WILL enjoy this... But, I'll cherish moments with my parents and my kids and my husband and my sister and her family. I'll also cherish moments with good friends. I'll cherish life. And I'll not be embarrassed of my faith. I know deep in my soul that God is good. Could He have kept this from happening? Yes. Am I more favored than others to have my dad still here? No. This is the complexity of understanding God. In my simple opinion, I believe that God doesn't necessarily want us to totally understand Him. What would be our need for Him if we did? "Blessed are those who have not seen and yet believe." And I say 'simple' not because I've just accepted blindly. "Oh, sure, a pastor's kid. She just believes what she's heard her whole life and hasn't thought about any other way. She hasn't even had any REAL trials or temptations." Think what you want, but I've been in emotional trenches that NO ONE knows; I've seen the spiritual realm, good and evil; I asked the extremely hard, cynical, gut-wrenching questions some think 'good Christians' aren't suppose to ask. But I know of a Creator that formed me in my mother's womb, of a Father that weeps when I do and lovingly corrects, of a King who desires an intimate relationship with common old me, of a Savior that gave His life for my unworthy one, of a Forgiver that listens to my whining and sees my doubts and knows my deepest darkest ugliest secrets, of a Comforter that wraps me in His arms and speaks to my heart, of a Peace-Giver that comes in my scariest storms, of a Defender who helps me face my innermost fears, of an Interpreter when I have no words, of a Friend who does not judge and never falters. This is Who I place my trust in, even when I don't understand everything, and even when others see me as unthinking or simple-minded. This faith I have is what really matters.

And it would be my dad's final wish that all would come to know this God that we believe in, put our hope in, and trust with our lives. He wanted us to know how much he loves us. I hope he knows how much I love him. How grateful I am for this man I call Dad, my first superhero. How thankful I am for an earthly father that taught me many things (good and bad, ha ha), that told me how I should be treated by boys even though I didn't always follow that, that taught me the things of our faith, that showed us how important we were to him, that stayed married to my mom and how they set an example (even with a few faults) of a marriage that stands the test of trials and time. These are the things that have gone through my head today. These are the things that I believe really matter.

battling old demons

Today is the 4th day I've had of back-to-school staff development. It's always exciting for me (even though this is only my actual 4th year of teaching) because I love to improve upon how I teach and I love to plan! But then the anxiety and overwhelm-ment starts creeping in -- I've got so much I have to do, so much I need to do, so much I want to do, and so much others want me to do. And that's just at work. It's hard for me most days to see this as my 'job', because it just seems to be a part of who I am. I love teaching. I've said that before and I'll say it again. This is definitely one of those things I have a passion about. So then there's the feeling of being pulled between home and 'work', always wondering if one is being let down or if I should put more zeal into one or the other. I worry that my family - who IS numero uno on priorities for me - doesn't get the full, best me; and then on the other hand, I want to be the best, efficient, effective, inspiring teacher I can be. Many times I get done with a school day and feel inadequate. Although this year I feel much more prepared than last. I have an idea now of 6th grade and what it involves. Yet, as our principal reminded us recently, we need to do new things and teach in some new ways in order to reach new kids. Today was an awesome day for me, including some "ah-ha moments". I have some great new tools for planning lessons. I met a great family of one of my new students. But then I get home and see that the laundry I said I'd do won't be getting touched tonight. There are also several things I still need to finish in order to get this house ready to sell. So then my "I need to do more" thoughts come invading my mind as I know that sitting with my children watching a movie is super important and chores CAN wait. Now, granted, I was on the laptop finishing a parent letter while the movie is playing, but my kids wanted me to sit with them. Reminding myself of what's most important must be a discipline during these busy days. I can get so caught up in what I'm NOT doing, and feel like I'm lazy when I know that I have a level of energy deficiency. I always feel like I should be better at something. Now I do think that we should challenge ourselves to improve, but there comes a point that we need to celebrate what we ARE doing and CAN do. Sometimes I don't celebrate myself and what I'm about enough. Doing prayers at bedtime was another challenge for me as my brain is on high gear and it takes deliberate effort to stop and talk with a 6 and 4 year old. I love these 2 precious little people so much it hurts, but when my attentions are distracted it can be difficult to really listen. Daddy was with the teenagers tonight, so no story-telling. These times are when the kids ask for a song. And they usually want the old stand-by "I have a Maker". This song was new to me when pregnant with Caitlyn, and I fell in love with it. The first night she was 'on the outside', I began singing it to her and started to cry with the fullness of what it meant to me and to this little life with which I had been entrusted. Tonight it reminded me of that night and how not only was I imparting truth yet again through this song to my children, but that my heavenly Father was reminding me that He is the One I can rely on. He will help carry my burdens of anxiety, inadequacy, overwhelmed-ness, worry, fatigue, weariness and ache, frustration, scattered-brain-ness, and so on and so forth!
My soul now rests this evening, thanks to the simple reminder through my children's favorite lullaby:

I have a Maker
He formed my heart
Before even time began
My life was in His hands

He knows my name
He knows my every thought
He sees each tear that falls
And hears me when I call

I have a Father
He calls me His own
He'll never leave me
No matter where I go

He knows my name
He knows my every thought
He sees each tear that falls
And hears me when I call

(and then they love it when I personalize it, inserting their names...)
He knows your name (Caitlyn and Andrew....or Christy....or -your name-)
He knows your every thought
He sees each tear that falls
And hears you when you call

Yes, He hears you when you call.

leaving...being left

This summer we've had a few different friends leave town. As they were preparing to leave, I didn't really know what to do with myself. I chided myself when thinking about it in the middle of the night, thinking I should really know how to deal with this. How many times in my life have I moved away? Then it hit me -- well, that's the problem. I've always been the one to leave. I've never been left. Now, college is a different world unto it's own -- everyone expects people to be coming and going, so I never really gave it a thought. It was naturally occurring and somewhat scheduled. And although I knew this would happen eventually, I guess I hadn't figured what I would do with it when it did occur. So it's been interesting to think about. When I have been the one leaving, I've always wondered if people 'back home' really did want me to keep in touch and let them know what's happening. Life does go on, and it's natural to not be able to keep in touch well; although, today is a different age with texting and Facebook and Twitter, etc. etc. etc. Now having finally experienced being left, I know that I want to hear about the new things taking place for my friends and want to keep in touch. There's really not much to say about it, except that I've had a new experience. I've now been on both sides. One thing is still the same: it's never easy to leave or be left. Sure, it's exciting to be in a new place, but you miss the familiar. Well, I'm excited for my friends, but I miss them. And now I know what it's like to be left.

Ah, Summer...

I'm sitting here in our hot den/office after coming back from vacation to Michigan. We went up to visit my sister and her family and really enjoyed it up there. The weather was awesome and we had a wonderful day spent at Lake Michigan. The beach without the salt or fear of sharks!! It was terrific!! We came back to hot Texas and are officially in the only time of year I don't like the weather. It's just a little too hot for me. I do have to say that I'm thankful it's not humid here or I would be a hermit, living naked in my house to keep cool. I probably shouldn't have said I'd be naked, but come on, that's how we all feel when we're dripping hot. Plus, it's my blog and I'll say what I want. :)
My parents got here and are mostly all moved in. There's lots of painting to be done, and their new kitchen cabinets are being ordered and will be here in a few weeks. They've been replacing fans and lights amongst other things, and we're having a yard sale next weekend. It's still not quite real that they're living in the same town, but the kids are loving it and have already 'camped out' one night. It's great!
This next week I'll probably take some time to go get some stuff set up in my classroom. I was in there last week and got all excited. I just really love teaching! I don't know what all the future holds for our family, but I plan to enjoy this next school year. And I love the ladies I teach with, so that helps a ton on those tough days. My students last year did well on the blasted state tests, and I had several of them tell me they wanted me to transfer to the junior high so they could have me for a class. Made me feel good. I just hope I do something good for every kid. Teachers can have a huge influence, and I want mine to be good.
Sunday we're having a GP (Grace Point) party at someone's house after church. I'm very excited about this!! It's great that this family is getting so involved. We've had 2 important families move out of town at the beginning of the month (Miss y'all) and this Sunday will be another family's last day. So it's nice to have other families stepping up.
Sometime in the next couple of weeks, we will probably be 'ordering' our new house to be built!! I can hardly believe it!! It's a dream come true for us, and it will be so much fun picking out colors, cabinets, countertops, tile, carpet, brick....... YEA!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Gotta get the kids off to bed. Malcolm is trying to get home after the radiator busted on him while driving. Our poor little 12 year old Altima. So glad it's paid for.
The sun's still up, but going down. The heat is going away, so I think I might sit on the front porch and read until it's either dark, the 'skeeters start eating me, or Malcolm comes home.
Stay cool and hydrated out there!!