journal honesty...honestly

journaling - the regular practice of recording your thoughts, feelings, experiences, and observations on paper or digitally

emotional health - the ability to understand, manage, and express emotions in a healthy, balanced way while navigating life’s challenges

I’ve been doing quite the Emotional Health Journey alongside my physical health journey. Over the past few years I’ve read several books that have shaped my understanding of how we can stuff and trap emotions inside our physical being. There’s a lot to this, but if you think about the fact that you can get a headache or a stomach ache after a particularly stressful event or day, that’s a simple example of emotions affecting our physical being. We are electrical creatures, with frequencies running throughout our body. That is just science. That is how our body works. That is how we were created. Emotions themselves have frequencies. I hate to use the word ‘energy’, because some people have made it to be something more mystical than science. But it is, simply, energy. When we don’t process an emotion fully and let it go, its energy becomes trapped somewhere in our body. This can create illness, whether acute or chronic. If it isn’t dealt with, it stays. 

 I have come to the realization and firmly believe that I stuffed down so many emotions and stress through a particular decade (or more) of my life, I basically became stuck in my sympathetic nervous system. That is the fight flight or freeze part of our nervous system. This part is necessary at certain times, but when we get stuck in it, it causes Chronic Stress which can cause Chronic Illness. I believe this happened for me. I may have had some predispositions for certain illnesses, and stuffing down my perceived 'negative' emotions caused them to develop into more.

There are also emotions that we can absorb or inherit (you can research epigenetics for more). We make meanings out of different traumas and stressful events throughout our development years. All of these things can compound when we are not allowed or don't know how to properly process emotions. Processing an emotion includes stopping the immediate reaction to think about what you're feeling, label the emotion(s), noticing your physical sensations due to the emotion(s), allowing yourself to connect with the feelings, and then letting them go. If at any point along this journey you get stopped or keep yourself from doing the process, the emotion(s) get trapped. They then go somewhere in your body. We have to find ways to process our emotions, whether it is immediately, within 24 hours, or years later when it is causing mayhem.

One particular book I've read that has been incredibly helpful is called The Emotion Code by Dr.  Bradley Nelson. He describes this trapping of emotions in better detail than I can, and teaches how to tap into your subconscious memory in order to identify and then release them.  Did you know that your subconscious constitutes 90-95% of your brain processing? There's got to be a LOT going on in that percentage of which we remain unaware. Dr. Nelson shows how to use muscle testing to ask your body about trapped emotions, and then how to release them.

This can seem a bit 'woo-woo'. I’ve got a lot of prayer behind this, though. I know that for some (particularly evangelical Christians), this can sound like I'm heading into mysticism and divination. I have done much prayer and seeking about this, and I firmly believe that God created us with much intention to converse with the Holy Spirit and live the best lives we can. Part of that creation is the body's natural ability to heal itself. A LOT goes into that statement, but I believe that God has made it where we can recall past hurts, name the emotions that went with them, cry out to Him about all we humanly thought and felt, and then He can take that from us and we can heal. We can heal in heart, soul, mind, & strength. Every time I do this work, I pray beforehand and afterwards, always thanking God for revealing past hurts, traumas, & events that I stuffed away because they were too hurtful at the time to face. I've decide that it hurts worse to allow these trapped emotions to continue making me more and more ill, than it does to unearth, face, and process emotions that did not serve me well.

One of the other books that I have worked through is by Nicole J. Sachs called Mind Your Body. She focuses on the journaling aspect of Emotional Healing. She calls it JournalSpeak, and it is that real, raw, base, letting out of all thoughts of feelings about a situation that caused us pain. By pairing the concepts from these 2 books, I’m able to identify a trapped emotion and then journal about it if I have lots of 'feels' associated with it. I get out my deep, true feelings. I write stuff that I would never want anybody else to see, and then I burn the papers. Burning stuff for me is just so symbolic and purifying, so that is my destruction of choice.

One of the biggest ways that I can testify to the effectiveness of this work, is that I have drastically reduced my social anxiety. Social anxiety is something I have been able to pretty much hide from most people in my life. I have actually dealt with it a lot, especially over the last 12-15 years, It has been almost a constant thing that I did not want to admit. The nervousness before I got to any place where people are gonna be, even if I know everybody. (This would lessen if I felt comfortable once there, but a lot was going on inside my head on the way there) Then there was the worry over something I did or didn’t say, and the constant replaying of it for hours, even days later. The lack of ability to put myself out there and talk to strangers, even if it was people that are there for the same reason I was, like parents at a meeting at school. I could list more, but hopefully you get the idea. The first time I really noticed how much I had reduced in this anxiety was a few weeks ago during a celebration meeting for my daughter making the junior high cheerleader squad for next year. I went by myself, as my husband was busy doing something else, and realized later that I did not feel sick to my stomach about having to talk to people I didn’t know. I just felt comfortable Being Me. I wasn’t constantly worrying about if I wore the Right thing or my hair looked the Right way or I said things the Right way. I wasn't worried or wondering what anyone might be thinking about me. I was just there. I was celebrating my girl. And I wasn’t exhausted when we got home! This may not seem like much, but it was a HUGE realization for me. And it’s just pretty much gotten better since then. I’m not all of a sudden an extrovert, but I don’t feel the same level of anxiety and worry that I usually do when I’m around people that I don’t know. I don’t feel like I have to explain myself, and I feel like I can just be me and not worry then or later about what people thought about me.

So, I share all of this revealing information about myself (ha) to encourage you to JOURNAL. Make it a habit. Do it almost every day (something I'm still working towards). Recognize the value in it. Get those trapped emotions that are making you sick in some way on the outside and released. 

And if you need a guide, a friend who has been there, is doing that, reach out. I'd love to help you on your journey. God doesn't waste anything we learn.

P.S. If you need a pretty journal, you can find some I've created at etsy.com/shop/Wholeish . :)

Links to the above mentioned books:

https://amzn.to/4uFJUND

https://amzn.to/4nKGqrf

**As an Amazon Affiliate, I gain commissions off the sale from these links.**

sharing

 Sharing is caring. At least that’s what we’re told. But in my overthinking mind, when it comes to sharing myself, I have circular thoughts.

What if I share too much?

What if I don’t share enough?

What if I share the wrong thing?

What if what I share isn’t received? 

What if what I share isn’t respected?

Maybe I should just stop sharing until I know exactly what, when, where, how to share. 

Maybe I should share myself only when I know it’s safe. 

I’ve been told I over-share. I’ve been told I’m too aloof and don’t share enough. I’ve been told what I have to share isn’t good. I’ve been told my sharing wasn’t wanted. 

And then after all of that, I’ve been told I should have known to share or not to share. 

Giving others a part of you or the whole you is scary. Maybe the saying should be “sharing is scaring”. But when I look back over 47 years of life, I recognize that lots of things are scary. When I’ve been brave enough to keep sharing, it’s been rewarding. Of course, I recognize that there are boundaries and limits and nuances to sharing, but the worst thing we can do as human beings is to not share at all. Although, maybe not sharing at all is a type of sharing in itself. 

You are unable to share anything unless it involves OTHERS. You can’t share things with yourself. All that is, is possessing. Look at these definitions for the verb ‘share’:

-give a portion of something to OTHERS

-have a portion of something with OTHERS

-use, occupy, or enjoy something JOINTLY with ANOTHER or OTHERS

-possess a view or quality in common with OTHERS

-of a NUMBER OF PEOPLE or organizations who have a part in an activity

-tell SOMEONE about something, especially something personal

-post or repost something on a SOCIAL media site

We aren’t truly sharing anything if it doesn’t involve other people receiving it. Anytime we share anything, we make ourselves vulnerable to a certain level. This vulnerability can be scary, because it is filled with the unknown. I’ve struggled with vulnerability for years, trying to determine how vulnerable I should be, whether or not I should be vulnerable, worrying about how my vulnerability will be taken. I tend to be a rather share-y person when I begin to feel comfortable around a person or group. Sometimes I’ve misread the environment and found that I had shared too much or what I shared wasn’t liked. The enemy of my God-created soul enjoys this very much. That enemy comes at my thoughts, bearing his weight of baggage from my past with all the shame and derision and failure and illness and disease and disappointment, trying to prove to me that I am unworthy, unlovable, valueless, and need to just shut up and go sit in my dark corner where no one can really see me. 

I no longer want to share the tiniest decibel. 

This is my trap. When I’m here, I believe this to be safe. I believe this will keep me from harm. 

But what it does is keep me. 

Keep me tangled up in my own thoughts. 

Keep me from experiencing life. 

Keep me from learning.

Keep me from seeing the created genius in others. 

Keep me from getting help from others. 

Keep me from helping others. 

Keep me from living into a purpose greater than I can imagine. 

Keep me from God. 

When I allow the enemy’s tools to keep me from hearing the One who loves me more than any human can, I am allowing him to steal and destroy the good in my life, the purpose in my life, the gifts and treasures and rewards and joys. I allow the enemy to take big and little pieces of me that do not belong to him. I follow his urgings to be less than who I am, to be a different person altogether, to walk way outside of the light in which I was created to walk in. 

This is NOT the me I want to share. It’s not who I was designed to share. 

So I continue to struggle against it. There was a time in my life where I kept myself in the perceived safety zone of not sharing much if anything, especially with others that I wasn’t close to. While I continue to be careful and responsible with what I share, I press into the statement a recent friend gave me - 

You have nothing to prove, only share.

See, in not sharing me with others, I am still trying to PROVE something. But what exactly? 

Prove that I am above it? 

That I can’t be hurt? 

That I am in control? 

That I belong? 

That I understand what they are dealing with? 

That I’m trustworthy? 

That I’m an amazing person? 

That I am smart, beautiful, worthy, valuable to have in their life? 

(Wow, that was hard to type out…) 

And in sharing things that may be laced with some dishonesty, I’m trying to prove some of the same things. In sharing too much, I’m still trying to prove these things! I’m too concerned with proving myself in sharing, that some of my sharing becomes disingenuous. 

This is tough to admit and tough to swallow. 

I’ve done lots of work (LOTS) over the last decade on emotional health and trying to live like Jesus. I feel embarrassed to admit that sometimes I have felt like I had possibly learned so much about myself that I am at a place where all I need to work on is getting closer to Jesus. I guess I forgot the truth that the closer we follow Jesus, the more layers He peels off to get to the dirtiness still lingering in our souls. It serves to remind to me, and I now remind you: as followers of Jesus, we never reach some almighty plateau in our journeys where we are ‘all good’ and have nothing more to learn and work on. 

“I am certain that God, who began the good work within you, will continue His work until it is finished on the day when Christ Jesus returns.” (Philippians 1:6)

I’ve had some roller coaster weeks lately. But I am thankful that I am at a point where I can recognize the toll this life can take, and that I don’t have to go through things alone. I have a Father that desires for me to SHARE all things with Him, and He has placed me in a community that I can safely SHARE myself, and He continues to press me into sharing EVEN when it is unknown what reaction I will receive. To keep sharing EVEN when I am misunderstood. In standing up and continuing on, I victoriously take back what that sneaky enemy has stolen.  The enemy DOES NOT get to keep me.

Fear’s got me living with the lights out / Chained down like a prisoner in my own house / Shame cycles like a daily medication / I try, but I can’t change my situation / ‘Cause the lion comes to rob my joy / Yeah, I’m bruised, but I’m not destroyed / I’m rising like an army / and you’re gonna hear the sound 

I’m calling the angels down / I’m storming the gates of hell / Tell the devil he won’t own my soul / I’m taking back what the enemy stole / I’m raising the battle cry / I’m holding the banner high / With the power of the Holy Ghost / I’m taking back what the enemy stole 

You can’t speak your lies over my family, no / You can’t break the promises that are standing, no / Ain’t gotta flex to put you back in place now / One name is all I gotta say / Jesus  

We’re done with all the mind games you try to play / If it ain’t clear yet, I want everything you took from me / In the name of the One who is Peace, the One who heals all disease / The only reason that I am free, that name is Jesus / Lord of lords and King of kings / Jesus / The name that makes the demons flee / I want it all now, we’re taking it back now / Yeah, you know it’s going down when you hear the sound 

I’m calling the angels down / I’m storming the gates of hell / Tell the devil he won’t own my soul / I’m taking back what the enemy stole / I’m raising the battle cry / I’m holding the banner high / With the power of the Holy Ghost / I’m taking back what the enemy stole

(Take It All Back - Tauren Wells, We the Kingdom, & Davies)

into the unknown

 Something has been brewing. I've been learning some new things and have been asked to step into a new 'role'. Honestly, the farther I enter, the more I feel that it is just the natural next step for me.  I just didn't know it was coming. 

A few months ago, I reached out to my chiropractor's office in regards to a part time job position being advertised.  Our family has been a part of this 'village' for 9 years now, and I've always thought it would be a fun place to work. The advertised position had already been filled, but my chiropractor set up a time to chat about something else she was thinking about that she thought I might be interested in. After several discussions and much prayer, I have decided to jump in with both feet.  I will be learning how to run a new technology at the office and guide people into optimizing their health through earning a Holistic Health Coach certification.  !!   As I have been researching and discussing and seeking and working to thrive in my own personal health journey (physical but also emotional, mental, and spiritual) for the last 18 years, this seems to continue my searching but in a more focused setting.  AND now I get to walk alongside others and help them search for ways to thrive in their own journeys.  This just fits!  And yet there is so much I still have to learn. 

Many emotions have surfaced since being offered this opportunity. Doubt of my ability to learn and process and fulfill. Fear of failure. Worry about not doing the 'right' thing or being the 'right' person for this role. Leaving the teaching field was a tough choice.  There was much that went into the decision, but I struggled for years with what that meant about and for me. I had dreamed of being a teacher since I was little. It was the right decision for me to leave, though. I just haven't found any job that held as much meaning for me outside of my volunteer work.  But that just feels like who I am instead of what I do. This new adventure feels like a bit of both!  So I am also feeling much excitement! Feelings of honor, gratitude, pride.... It's been a bit of a roller coaster of emotions, especially after the Lord humbled me recently to let me know I still needed to work on some specific thoughts (that's for another blog post). 

This role and job are in the dreaming stage.  It may stay there for quite some time as we see what all I will/can/should do for clients as they come to see me.  Dreams can be funny things. They can be warnings. They can be visions. They can prepare or distract. They can uplift or tear down. If I'm honest with myself, I've been dreaming for awhile.  I've been trying to figure out some of my purpose.  I know pieces, and am confident in those areas, but I kept feeling like something was lacking the last several years.  I had no idea what that might be.  But something kept nagging at me that I couldn't identify or name. I am feeling that I may have found the edges of that which is greater than me, that which has been waiting in the wings, that which has been preparing me for the correct time.  And so I step. Into the Unknown.  

And of course, my mind goes to music and lyrics that coordinate with my circumstances. Disney made yet more songs that resonate with me; Frozen 2 had fantastic music, and two songs hit me in a certain way, even back when we saw it in the theater:

(Into the Unknown)

I can hear you, but I won't  /  some look for trouble while others don't  /  there's a thousand reasons I should go about my day  /  and ignore your whispers which I wish would go away, oh.....

I'm sorry, secret siren, but I'm blocking out your calls  /  I've had my adventure, I don't need something new  /  I'm afraid of what I'm risking if I follow you

into the unknown...

what do you want?  /  'cause you've been keeping me awake  /  are you here to distract me so I make a big mistake?

or are you someone out there who's a little bit like me?  /  who knows deep down  I'm not where I'm meant to be?

every day's a little harder  as I feel my power grow  /  don't you know there's a part of me that longs to go

into the unknown

~And I believe the Unknown is turning into the hopeful thoughts of the lyrics to this next song, that I admit literally shook me when I first heard it, awakening a longing in me to step deeper into who I was created to be.... 

(Show Yourself)

every inch of me is trembling but not from the cold  /  something is familiar  /  like a dream I can reach but not quite hold  /  I can sense you there  /  like a friend I've always known  /  I'm arriving  /  and it feels like I am home

I have always been a fortress  /  cold secrets deep inside  /  you have secrets, too, but you don't have to hide

show yourself  /  I'm dying to meet you  /  show yourself  /  it's your turn  /  are you the one I've been looking for all of my life?  /  show yourself  /  I'm ready to learn

I've never felt so certain  /  all my life I've been torn  /  but I'm here for a reason  /  could it be the reason I was born?  /  I have always been so different  /  normal rules did not apply  /  is this the day?  /  are you the way  /  I finally find out why?

show yourself  /  I'm no longer trembling  /  here I am  /  I've come so far  /  you are the answer I've waited for all of my life  /  oh, show yourself  /  let me see who you are

come to me now  /  open your door  /  don't make me wait  /  one moment more 

....I am found!

show yourself  /  step into your power  /  throw yourself  /  into something new 

you are the one you've been waiting for all of your life  /  oh, show yourself

~~~~~

I am so glad that the truth of life is that we are on a journey, with curves and turns and alternate routes and bumps and smooth lanes.  And that there is a time and a place for certain stops and starts and adventures along the way, some of them expected and some of them a surprise.  

This is the next piece of my journey. There's a lot of Unknown about it, but here I go! 

seen

 I don’t really believe in coincidence. In our ‘refined’ yet detached first world society, we many times neglect the unseen spiritual world. Of course, that opinion stems from my view as a humbled student of the Holy Scriptures, knowing that I do not and will not know it all. I believe that there is one God that, outside of my human understanding, is active, omnipresent, and omniscient and yet also allows His creation to makes their own choices. This post is not intended to dive into that, as I tend to not be much of a debater or theologian, but to say that I do not believe in coincidence. I believe that my loving Father God guides me and reminds me in many ways that He sees me. 

Being seen by God has been a topic of sorts that has been woven into my last several months. It has come up in a set aside morning devoted to prayer and Scripture reading. It has come up in new and old songs I have heard. It has come up in devotional readings. It has come up in a recently attended conference. It has come up as wonderings during middle of night awakenings. It has come up in others’ struggles they have shared with me as friend or pastor wife. It has come up as a clouded theme in a show or book. It has come up as floating ponderings throughout a busy day. I would dare to say that followers and non-followers alike of a relatively ‘unseen God’ could deep down and sometimes at a more shallow level admit this inquiry of whether or not a Greater Being sees me.

This month has been CMT Awareness Month. CMT (Charcot-Marie-Tooth) is a hereditary nerve degenerative disease that runs in my maternal family. I won’t go into detail here, but to say that my youngest and I have it. We have the type and symptoms so far that are basically ‘invisible’ to the everyday eye. Thanks to science, we know that one of the proteins of one of our genes is duplicated. That can be seen through genetic testing, but not on the ‘outside’. I can show you X-rays that prove my baby has slight scoliosis in her spine (common to CMT bearers) that we have to keep an eye on. So that can be seen, but not on the ‘outside’.  I can show you my X-rays and MRI of my hips, which got me a diagnosis of mild hip dysplasia (also common to CMT bearers) that has worn down cartilage and such over 4 1/2 decades to create wear and tear and osteoarthritis. That can also be seen, but not on the ‘outside’. I can also prove my autoimmune thyroid condition through blood work results that can be seen on paper, but not written on my outside. I can describe to you how having invisible illnesses cause you worry, feelings of separation, loneliness, an urge to explain to everyone you meet what diagnoses you’ve received so they will understand why sometimes out of the blue you are exhausted or fatigued or aching or not able to participate or depressed or ….. Alas, these ‘troublings’ can sometimes be witnessed or seen, but generally only truly through description, which in itself can be limited, not to mention taxing. Many times it is just easier to back away and be… unseen.  It feels too hard and too tiring, and frankly, too unfair to have to put one’s self and explanations out there in order to be in relationship. There are days when I long for Someone to just KNOW. To see me in whatever physical, mental, emotional, spiritual state I am in at the moment and truly SEE ME. 

I have basically known Christ all of my life.  I am so very thankful for this truth. Not that I have been perfect and holy and trusting all of my days, but I cannot imagine not knowing deep down whether there is a God or not. It is just something I was first taught and have now many times over experienced that He is real, and He is good, and He is constant. And yet many times I have forgotten that HE SEES ME. Inside AND out. Intimately. For whatever reason, He created me with this duplicated protein gene. He put me in the family I am in. He gave me a tendency for thyroid issues. He guided my path to a certain guy who I ended up choosing and who chose me to spend our lives together. He has walked through my days with me. He walked through all these diagnoses I have received. He walked through all the disappointments and frustrations of self. He has sat with me during anxiety and depression and illness and despair when I was clinging to only a shred of the hope that I possess. When I lift my head and recall His faithfulness, I feel His seeing.  He knows me like no other. He loves me like no other. I can stop looking for so much affirmation and acceptance and understanding from human sources and recall how He has and is showing me that I am seen.  I am valued. I am known. I am loved. 

This blog ended up going in a bit of a different direction than with what I thought I was starting. But I’ll end with where my thinking was at the beginning of this post. The last several days I “just so happened” to be reading/listening through the Psalms. I had the thought this morning that the writer, King David, may have had an ‘invisible illness’. It’s pretty evident that he was a feeler, expressing his roller coaster emotions through writing. Listening to his expressive and creative journaling over the last few days has dovetailed into the ponderings of my own personal journey and struggles and learnings.  He has penned what my heart has felt and come back around after spewing his emotional thoughts, to praising the God who made him, knowing that without Him, there is no hope; knowing that the only way to truly live and thrive is to follow Him and worship Him in Spirit and in Truth. Just reading Psalm 102 shows this dichotomy of thought. But here are just a few of many verses that hit me over the last few weeks…

Answer me when I call to You, O God who declares me innocent. Free me from my troubles. Have mercy on me and hear my prayer. (4;1)

O Lord, hear me as I pray; pay attention to my groaning. Listen to my cry for help, my King and my God, for I pray to no one, but You. Listen to my voice in the morning, Lord. Each morning I bring my request to You and wait expectantly. (5:1-3)

Have compassion on me, Lord, for I am weak. Heal me, Lord, for my bones are in agony. I am sick at heart. How long, oh Lord, until You restore me? (6:2-3)

I am worn out from sobbing. All night I slept in my bed with weeping, drenching it with my tears. My vision is blurred by grief; my eyes are worn out… (6:6-7)

Oh Lord, why do You sound so far away? Where do You hide when I am in trouble? (10:1) 

Oh, Lord, how long will You forget me? Forever? How long will You look the other way? How long as I struggle with anguish in my soul, with sorrow in my heart every day? How long will my enemy {illness} have the upper hand? Turn and answer me, O Lord, my God! Restore the sparkle to my eyes, or I will die. Don’t let my enemies gloat, saying, “We have defeated him!” Don’t let them rejoice at my downfall. But I trust in Your unfailing love. I will rejoice because You have rescued me. I will sing to the Lord because He is good to me. (13)

But You, O Lord, are a shield around me; You are my glory, the One who holds my head high… (3:3)

I lay down and slept, yet I woke up in safety, for the Lord was watching over me. (3:5)

I know the Lord is always with me. I will not be shaken, for He is right beside me. No wonder my heart is glad, and I rejoice. My body rests in safety. For You will not leave my soul among the dead or allow Your holy one to rot in the grave. You will show me the way of life, granting me the joy of Your presence and the pleasures of living with You forever. (16‬:‭8‬-‭11‬)

Unless the Lord had helped me, I would soon have settled in the silence of the grave. I cried out, “I am slipping!” but Your unfailing love, O Lord, supported me. When doubts filled my mind, Your comfort gave me renewed hope and cheer. But the Lord is my fortress; my God is the mighty rock where I hide. (94‬:‭17‬-‭19‬, 27)

The ropes of death entangled me; floods of destruction swept over me. The grave wrapped its ropes around me; death laid a trap in my path. But in my distress I cried out to the Lord; yes, I prayed to my God for help. He heard me from His sanctuary; my cry to Him reached His ears. He reached down from heaven and rescued me; He drew me out of deep waters. He rescued me from my powerful enemies, from those who hated me and were too strong for me. They attacked me at a moment when I was in distress, but the Lord supported me. He led me to a place of safety; He rescued me because He delights in me. God’s way is perfect. All the Lord’s promises prove true. He is a shield for all who look to Him for protection. For who is God except the Lord? Who but our God is a solid rock? He makes me as surefooted as a deer, enabling me to stand on mountain heights. He trains my hands for battle; He strengthens my arm to draw a bronze bow. You have given me Your shield of victory. Your right hand supports me; Your help has made me great. You have made a wide path for my feet to keep them from slipping. (18‬:‭4‬-‭6‬, ‭16‬-‭19‬, ‭30‬-‭31‬, ‭33‬-‭36‬) ‭

The Lord is a shelter for the oppressed, a refuge in times of trouble. Those who know Your name trust in You, for You, oh, Lord, do not abandon those who search for You. (9:9-10)

When I look at the night sky and see the work of Your fingers, the moon and the stars You set in place. What are mere mortals that You should think about them, human beings that You should care for them? (8:3-4)

I will praise You, Lord, with all my heart; I will tell of the marvelous things You have done. I will be filled with joy because of You. I will sing praises to Your name, O Most High. (9:1-2)

The Lord’s promises are pure, like silver refined in a furnace, purified seven times over. (12:6)

Lord, through all the generations You have been our home! Teach us to realize the brevity of life, so that we may grow in wisdom. Satisfy us each morning with Your unfailing love, so we may sing for joy to the end of our lives. Give us gladness in proportion to our former misery! Replace the evil years with good. Let us, Your servants, see You work again; let our children see Your glory. And may the Lord our God show us His approval and make our efforts successful. Yes, make our efforts successful! (90‬:‭1‬, ‭12‬, ‭14‬-‭17‬) ‭

This I declare about the Lord: He alone is my refuge, my place of safety; He is my God, and I trust Him. The Lord says, “I will rescue those who love Me. I will protect those who trust in My name. When they call on Me, I will answer; I will be with them in trouble. I will rescue and honor them. (91‬:‭2‬, ‭14‬-‭15‬) ‭

The Lord is my rock, my fortress, and my savior; my God is my rock, in whom I find protection. He is my shield, the power that saves me, and my place of safety. (18‬:‭2‬)

Thank You, Father, Redeemer, Healer, Friend, for seeing me.

legacy

 legacy (noun) - the long-lasting impact of particular events, actions, etc. that took place in the past, or of a person’s life; 

-something that is passed on; 

-practices that are handed down from the past by tradition; 

-something that happens or exists as a result of things that happened at an earlier time; 

-something that somebody has done successfully, and that has positive effects even after they retire or die

I’m feeling lots of things this morning. Gratitude. Love. Some wistfulness. Grief. Longing. Challenge. Conviction. Joy. Gratitude (again, lots of it). Contentment.

Yesterday, Malcolm and I traveled down to Houston with two of our amazing older Saints from our church here in Dallas. We were heading down to attend the 70th birthday dinner of our college alma mater. It was located at a restaurant that used to be the West 11th First Church of God, that had also served as the Gulf Coast Bible College chapel while it was located there. My dad and three different uncles attended the college while it was down in Houston. The college moved up to Oklahoma City in the early 80s, and became Mid-America Bible College where some cousins, my sister, and my brother-in-law studied. I attended in the late 90s. Our oldest daughter is now attending there at Mid-America Christian University. I was actually born while dad was finishing his degree in the late 70s at GBC. One could say I have deep ties there. 😉 I don’t know how many times I’ve actually been to that Houston location when it was a church building, but I do remember being there with the college choir in the spring of 1996 while we were on our tour.

Unfortunately, as happens to many churches in America lately, for multiple reasons, the church closed and was sold and now is a beautiful restaurant. For the 70th birthday of the college institution, the administration rented out the restaurant and we had a delicious meal there last night with a big group of former alumni. It was wonderful to hear the different stories and memories that people had, especially of the beloved Saints we brought with us from Dallas. I’m still trying to process out all that I am feeling and thinking, as it was such a deep and impactful time  to participate in.

My great grandfather Robinson fell to his knees on a road in a small town in Missouri, filled with conviction that he needed to follow the one true God that he had been fighting and mocking. My great grandmother had been attending a local tent revival that had come through, and the Holy Spirit was heavy upon the family. There are many more details, but this is where the story and legacy of our family’s faith journey started. I could go on and on with stories, but my great grandpa became a preacher. He ministered to many, even those in prison, baptizing believers in creeks and lakes. As they say, the rest is history. 

His oldest son walked down a church aisle in his adulthood when he recognized that he could be living a better life by following a gracious Savior. In his 50s, he decided to also become a preacher. He was a Grandpa who was loud about his faith, making sure we all knew how much he longed for us to become followers of Jesus and that he and Grandma prayed for each of us by name every day.  He loved people and left an impact on many. He definitely left an impact on me, but through the years I have met people that share simple stories with me that proves he was a loving pastor. Last night I got to meet someone who had been a young person in a church that he served at in Mississippi. She made sure to let me know that when he first came to their church, she hadn’t given her life to Christ yet, but found herself immersed in my grandpa’s sermons, intently listening, and ultimately seeking salvation. The rest is… history.

My grandpa‘s oldest son, who became my father, also felt a call to become a pastor when he was a teenager. That didn’t come to fruition until later, after he had tried college once, decided to join the Navy for a few years, met and married my mother. He struggled with his calling while they were beginning their lives together, and eventually gave in and went back down to Houston to finish his degree in ministry. I could say the rest is history, and it is, but there’s so much to it as with all history. For 46+ years now I have received encouragement and compliments from my daddy basically every time I see him. I never questioned his love for me. He was also technically my first pastor, and even though it confuses people, I always wanted to be a pastor’s wife. I watched my parents serve the greater church my whole life. Were they perfect? Of course not, as none of us are. But they wanted others to see how their lives could be better by walking with Jesus.

From the time I was little, I knew that I wanted to attend the same college my dad and several family members had. I barely looked at any other college while I was in high school. I was determined to get to Mid-America. My college years were…… formative. There were amazing highs and crippling lows. There were lessons learned and friendships begun and classes passed and futures dreamed. Not many people know that during the fall semester of my third year, I had almost decided to quit school and move back to San Antonio with some family friends and get a job at Fiesta Texas. I never had quite the nerve or real desire to fully go through with it, and I never told anyone for several years. At the end of that semester, I went on my first date with a scrawny kid from Tennessee. He was not like most guys I had dated, which was actually probably the best thing for me! 🤪 Later that summer after a break up, we got back together, knowing that we were probably going to make this a lifetime commitment. The next summer we made that commitment public at our wedding. And again, the rest is history…. that we are still making.

Now, our oldest child is in her third year at Mid-America Christian University. She is also studying ministry, but how that will end up looking is still in the works. For her to be there and thriving and enjoying life there immensely, makes my mama heart extremely proud and warm.

Thinking through the 70 years that the college has been around and the impact it has had on people which then has had a ripple effect impact on the world, I feel so thankful. No institution does everything right all of the time, and no professor or administrator is a perfect person. The college has had ups and downs. It has made mistakes. There has been at least one time that it was unknown if it could financially continue. But I believe the hand of God is on this sacred place. The 5th president began his term last year. I believe each president has served his time and place for specific reasons. As we spoke with the president and his sweet wife last night, it hit me again that God really does work for our benefit. He directs God-following people to benefit the Kingdom. I am excited to witness what God will have this current president help Him accomplish, and pray in that vein. 

I also have been thinking of all the people I know that have a connection to the college - either friends of my dad’s or my husband’s, or people I’ve met that are also alumni, or my own relationships I developed during my time there. So much richness in my life is through these connections. What an incredible fortune I am privileged to claim! I could go on and on about the memories we were reminded of or heard about, or the many ‘little’ influences both Malcolm and I had over the years we spent at GBC/MBC/MACU. Last night was one of those sacred moments that remind me not only what I love about the Christian faith and the Church of God family, but also give me a little glimpse of what heaven will feel like.

So this morning I have been sipping my coffee, relaxing in my hammock, and thinking through what last night’s experience means to me. The impact of my family heritage as well as so many wonderful humans increases my gratefulness to overflowing measures. It makes me think and give thanks for the amazing legacy I have been given, and challenges me to continue and do even greater at leaving a legacy to my kids and others.

(Enjoy this beaut of my family celebrating the centennial of the Church of God Reformation Movement)

 

discontent

 I’ve decided to get back into the blogging world. Not sure why, but I keep feeling the tug. It’s a good practice of journaling for me, and for some reason I feel compelled to share. I don’t like being this vulnerable - I like keeping the exterior of me looking somewhat polished and together. These are posts of what is going on in my head - I had originally, years ago, titled this blog “just thinking”, and then changed it to “just listening”. I still feel that I’m listening - to myself, to others, to my Heavenly Father… all while thinking. I think a lot. I guess at 46 years of age, I’m willing to admit that I overthink. So keeping the name at “listening” is a good reminder. 

I wrote out this next piece for a ladies’ gathering at church a couple of months ago.  I had thought I was ‘over it’, but today I’m fighting the SUCK of discontentment. So I decided to reread what I wrote and fight against it again. I will never be absolutely perfect, and as I read over some old blog posts this morning, I could see how I need to come back to lessons learned throughout my life. I chose not to get discouraged (although it did cross my mind to think what a loser I am) about the fact that there are some things I struggle with again and again. I chose instead to recognize cycles and struggles and decide what to do about them. So here is my current struggle, written out in June.

I have been struggling with a cloud of discontent.  I am unsure of the exact root cause, but I can see how comparison feeds into it. Comparing my current house and its flaws and floorplan to the house we got to build in Odessa about 13 years ago. 

Comparing my body to someone else’s that I see online, or even to what it was a year ago. 

Comparing my kid’s apathy to someone else’s kid’s initiative. 

Comparing my thinning hair to someone’s full and luscious locks, especially women that are older than me. 

Comparing my decision and inability to work full-time to a mom and a wife that can and does. 

Comparing my teeth and their current state to someone’s white, straight choppers. 

Comparing this and that and her and him and them and those,

 and the list goes on and on. 

See, younger sisters, even those of us that are considered middle-aged and may seem to have all things ‘together’ can be sucked into the spiral of discontent and comparison. It is a dangerous trap. Even when we have “been there, done that”, sometimes the enemy works on our minds to try to draw us back into this murky, depressing pit, where the only exit is OUT 

and the sides get slimy and slick, 

and it gets hard to see through the clutter of demanding TASKS 

and needy OTHERS 

and noisy SHOULDS. 

Recognizing that the discontent is there, and knowing that I must combat it, becomes a roadblock on my journey that frustrates me just as a traffic jam grates on the nerves of the traveler, needing to get to a set appointment. We can look at the map on our phones and see the annoying red line that shows that the major slow down that we are stuck in will eventually end, but it is hard to truly know when the speed will for sure pick back up, and we will be blissfully traveling along with good music playing and our body in a much more relaxed state without every little thing getting on our last nerve. I know there is an end to this season. I have traversed this space before. But when I am in the in-between, THIS is where things can get Tricky. 

Cloudy. 

Frustrating. 

Irritating. 

Murky. 

Painful. 

Exhausting. 

THIS is where Mental and Spiritual and Emotional combat must happen. THIS is where prayer gets HARD and REPETITIVE and sometimes feels MONOTONOUS. This is where Romans 7 seems to be playing out in my mind like closed captions across the bottom of the screen of my vision, whether my eyelids are closed or open. As stated in The Message, 

“I am full of myself. What I don’t understand…. is that I decide one way, but then I act another, doing things I absolutely despise. So if I can’t be trusted to figure out what is best for myself and then do it, it becomes obvious that God‘s command is necessary. But I need something MORE! For I know the law, but still can’t keep it, and if the power of sin within me keeps sabotaging my best intentions, I obviously need help! I realize that I don’t have what it takes. I can WILL it, but I can’t DO it. I decide to do good, but I don’t really do it; I decide not to do bad, but then I do it anyway. My decisions, such as they are, don’t result in actions. Something has gone wrong deep within me and gets the better of me every time. It happens so regularly that it’s predictable. The moment I decide to do good, sin is there to trip me up. I truly delight in God‘s commands, but it’s pretty obvious that not all of me joins in that delight. Parts of me covertly rebel, and just when I least expect it, they take charge. I’ve tried everything and nothing helps. I’m at the end of my rope.”  

Now, some of us know how that chapter and lament finishes – that Jesus Christ can help and He does. But let me continue to be honest - knowing that truth and recalling that truth does not mean an immediate lifting of this cloud of discontent. 

So now I’m here. In this in-between space of recognizing the discontent and the outside escape from the pit. I don’t want to stay here, and I’ve lived enough life and gone through enough spirals to know it can & will pass. So I know it will take time and action and a whole lot of God to get through. Another discontent I recognize is the discontent to travel through this season doing the ‘same ol’, same ol’.’ That brings me here - in a posture of 

“How do I not just survive and get through this, but how do I THRIVE? 

How do I LEARN from this? 

How do I still find JOY? 

How do I come out BETTER than I came in? 

How do I FIND and CREATE tools and strategies to come back the next time I feel the spiral sucking me back in?”

So I look to see what the word discontent means. Miriam Webster defines ‘discontent’ as “dissatisfied; lack of satisfaction with one’s possessions, status, or situation; a sense of grievance; restless aspiration for improvement.” My next steps, then, are to examine these definitions; to look at synonyms and see what strikes me. “restless aspiration for improvement” made me say WHOA.  I plan to sit with that over the next while, letting it marinate, and allowing the Spirit to bring things to mind. I need to carve out ‘me time’ to put pen to paper and write out what I feel or see or have been thinking in regards to “restless aspirations for improvement”. 

What am I restless about? 

What am I aspiring to? 

What do I think needs improvement? 

Then I need to get practical and think and process and evaluate. One thing I can think of right away that has been percolating in the corner of my mind has been to compare thoughts and desired actions to Philippians 4:8. The NLT says it like this, 

“Fix your thoughts on what is true, and honorable, and right, and pure, and lovely, and admirable. Think about things that are excellent and worthy of praise.” 

I see this as a perfect and highly suitable place to start. After journaling out my honest and real desires, I can hold them up to these standards. And then I can work at laying these things at Jesus’s feet. Maybe even doing something symbolic like burning a list or getting prostrate on the floor or whatever helps me to visualize giving my discontent to God and asking for his help. And as I plan all this ACTION out, 

He reminds me that ultimately, He is in control.  

That ultimately, He is the one who changes my heart. 

That, even as I work to rid myself of discontent, I am still living in a fallen world. 

I am still human. 

There will be no magic pill. 

That sometimes He gives automatic and seemingly perfect solutions, and sometimes He just walks along with us. 

He reminds me that He has been through this type of season Himself; that He’s been with me, through all my seasons; 

that He is my place of PEACE in the storm, 

my guiding LIGHT through darkness, 

and my PATH out of the pit. 

He reminds me that in this world I WILL have troubles, but that He has overcome them, and He will help me through. 

He reminds me to hold onto His promises, to remind myself over and over again of what He has spoken over me, and to me, and through me, and in spite of me, and in the dark and in the light, and in the valley and on the mountain. 

That He gets the last word, even in the swirl of my over-analyzing. 

And He reminds me to “not fret or worry. Instead of worrying, pray. Let petition and praises shape [my] worries into prayers, letting [Him] know [my] concern.. And that before [I] know it, {in His time}, a sense of [His] wholeness, everything coming together for good, will come and settle [me] down.” 

He reminds me that this has happened before, and it will happen again. 

So as I continue through this portion of my journey, and God has somewhat pushed me to be open and vulnerable and share this said struggle, let me finish with The Message’s interpretation of Philippians 4:8-9: “Summing it all up, friends, I’d say you’ll do best by filling your minds and meditating on things true, noble, reputable, authentic, compelling, gracious – the best, not the worst; the beautiful, not the ugly; things to praise, not things to curse. Put into practice what you learned… what you heard, and saw, and realized. Do that, and God, who makes everything work together, will work you into His most excellent harmonies.”

My oldest baby...

The time is almost upon us!  My oldest baby, whose favorite Disney princess is Belle because she "wants adventure in the great wide somewhere" and has a deep and profound love for books, is about to venture out into the world!  She has the opportunity this summer to head to Guatemala to serve at an orphanage for a week. (Her mother will, alas, go with her.....)
Here's more information:

Dear Friends,

Caitlyn is excited to announce that she has the opportunity to work at an orphanage in Guatemala for a week this July!  This of course means that Momma will go with her.  :)  Casa Bernabe Orphanage is home to about 150 children who have experienced broken homes, abandonment, neglect or abuse.  Casa Bernabe provides:

a family-style home environment, 

education provided at an on-site Christian School, 

medical care at the on-site clinic, 

psychological care, 

vocational programs for future work-force training, and

transitional programs for launching into adulthood.    

This will be Caitlyn’s first opportunity to experience a missions trip; she has already expressed a strong desire to do missions work in her future (her dream right now is to do veterinarian work in a third world country) and is excited to see what this week will hold for her.  Christy is happy to be able to go on another short-term missions trip, gaining another stamp in her passport, and experiencing this with her oldest baby.  

As they prepare for the upcoming trip, there are a few areas of concern:

Caitlyn is technically a college student as well as a high school student.  There may be some work she needs to do this summer in regards to that.  We are hoping all is taken care of before the trip, as well as no conflicts in scheduling.

Christy is under new care for her physical issues, specifically dealing with her thyroid disease.  She is hoping and praying to be settled into her new medication, and have more energy and strength before the summer.

The trip expenses will be about $1000 for each of them.  That puts our family’s total to $2000, of course, and that is in the midst of an expensive year.  About half of these expenses are due soon.

Would you be willing to partner with Caitlyn (and Christy) in some way to help make this trip a possibility?  We covet your prayers first and foremost, not only as we prepare even this many months away, but also throughout the trip.  We would also appreciate any amount of donation towards the cost of the trip.  You can send any donations directly through mail, PayPal, or FB Messenger, or go to this link: newvida.churchcenter.com/giving (select “Guatemala Missions Trip” in the drop down tab), and then let us know so we can properly thank you!  Feel free to contact us via mail, email, or phone.   

With Many Thanks,

Caitlyn, Christy,

Malcolm, Andrew, and Breanna