seen

 I don’t really believe in coincidence. In our ‘refined’ yet detached first world society, we many times neglect the unseen spiritual world. Of course, that opinion stems from my view as a humbled student of the Holy Scriptures, knowing that I do not and will not know it all. I believe that there is one God that, outside of my human understanding, is active, omnipresent, and omniscient and yet also allows His creation to makes their own choices. This post is not intended to dive into that, as I tend to not be much of a debater or theologian, but to say that I do not believe in coincidence. I believe that my loving Father God guides me and reminds me in many ways that He sees me. 

Being seen by God has been a topic of sorts that has been woven into my last several months. It has come up in a set aside morning devoted to prayer and Scripture reading. It has come up in new and old songs I have heard. It has come up in devotional readings. It has come up in a recently attended conference. It has come up as wonderings during middle of night awakenings. It has come up in others’ struggles they have shared with me as friend or pastor wife. It has come up as a clouded theme in a show or book. It has come up as floating ponderings throughout a busy day. I would dare to say that followers and non-followers alike of a relatively ‘unseen God’ could deep down and sometimes at a more shallow level admit this inquiry of whether or not a Greater Being sees me.

This month has been CMT Awareness Month. CMT (Charcot-Marie-Tooth) is a hereditary nerve degenerative disease that runs in my maternal family. I won’t go into detail here, but to say that my youngest and I have it. We have the type and symptoms so far that are basically ‘invisible’ to the everyday eye. Thanks to science, we know that one of the proteins of one of our genes is duplicated. That can be seen through genetic testing, but not on the ‘outside’. I can show you X-rays that prove my baby has slight scoliosis in her spine (common to CMT bearers) that we have to keep an eye on. So that can be seen, but not on the ‘outside’.  I can show you my X-rays and MRI of my hips, which got me a diagnosis of mild hip dysplasia (also common to CMT bearers) that has worn down cartilage and such over 4 1/2 decades to create wear and tear and osteoarthritis. That can also be seen, but not on the ‘outside’. I can also prove my autoimmune thyroid condition through blood work results that can be seen on paper, but not written on my outside. I can describe to you how having invisible illnesses cause you worry, feelings of separation, loneliness, an urge to explain to everyone you meet what diagnoses you’ve received so they will understand why sometimes out of the blue you are exhausted or fatigued or aching or not able to participate or depressed or ….. Alas, these ‘troublings’ can sometimes be witnessed or seen, but generally only truly through description, which in itself can be limited, not to mention taxing. Many times it is just easier to back away and be… unseen.  It feels too hard and too tiring, and frankly, too unfair to have to put one’s self and explanations out there in order to be in relationship. There are days when I long for Someone to just KNOW. To see me in whatever physical, mental, emotional, spiritual state I am in at the moment and truly SEE ME. 

I have basically known Christ all of my life.  I am so very thankful for this truth. Not that I have been perfect and holy and trusting all of my days, but I cannot imagine not knowing deep down whether there is a God or not. It is just something I was first taught and have now many times over experienced that He is real, and He is good, and He is constant. And yet many times I have forgotten that HE SEES ME. Inside AND out. Intimately. For whatever reason, He created me with this duplicated protein gene. He put me in the family I am in. He gave me a tendency for thyroid issues. He guided my path to a certain guy who I ended up choosing and who chose me to spend our lives together. He has walked through my days with me. He walked through all these diagnoses I have received. He walked through all the disappointments and frustrations of self. He has sat with me during anxiety and depression and illness and despair when I was clinging to only a shred of the hope that I possess. When I lift my head and recall His faithfulness, I feel His seeing.  He knows me like no other. He loves me like no other. I can stop looking for so much affirmation and acceptance and understanding from human sources and recall how He has and is showing me that I am seen.  I am valued. I am known. I am loved. 

This blog ended up going in a bit of a different direction than with what I thought I was starting. But I’ll end with where my thinking was at the beginning of this post. The last several days I “just so happened” to be reading/listening through the Psalms. I had the thought this morning that the writer, King David, may have had an ‘invisible illness’. It’s pretty evident that he was a feeler, expressing his roller coaster emotions through writing. Listening to his expressive and creative journaling over the last few days has dovetailed into the ponderings of my own personal journey and struggles and learnings.  He has penned what my heart has felt and come back around after spewing his emotional thoughts, to praising the God who made him, knowing that without Him, there is no hope; knowing that the only way to truly live and thrive is to follow Him and worship Him in Spirit and in Truth. Just reading Psalm 102 shows this dichotomy of thought. But here are just a few of many verses that hit me over the last few weeks…

Answer me when I call to You, O God who declares me innocent. Free me from my troubles. Have mercy on me and hear my prayer. (4;1)

O Lord, hear me as I pray; pay attention to my groaning. Listen to my cry for help, my King and my God, for I pray to no one, but You. Listen to my voice in the morning, Lord. Each morning I bring my request to You and wait expectantly. (5:1-3)

Have compassion on me, Lord, for I am weak. Heal me, Lord, for my bones are in agony. I am sick at heart. How long, oh Lord, until You restore me? (6:2-3)

I am worn out from sobbing. All night I slept in my bed with weeping, drenching it with my tears. My vision is blurred by grief; my eyes are worn out… (6:6-7)

Oh Lord, why do You sound so far away? Where do You hide when I am in trouble? (10:1) 

Oh, Lord, how long will You forget me? Forever? How long will You look the other way? How long as I struggle with anguish in my soul, with sorrow in my heart every day? How long will my enemy {illness} have the upper hand? Turn and answer me, O Lord, my God! Restore the sparkle to my eyes, or I will die. Don’t let my enemies gloat, saying, “We have defeated him!” Don’t let them rejoice at my downfall. But I trust in Your unfailing love. I will rejoice because You have rescued me. I will sing to the Lord because He is good to me. (13)

But You, O Lord, are a shield around me; You are my glory, the One who holds my head high… (3:3)

I lay down and slept, yet I woke up in safety, for the Lord was watching over me. (3:5)

I know the Lord is always with me. I will not be shaken, for He is right beside me. No wonder my heart is glad, and I rejoice. My body rests in safety. For You will not leave my soul among the dead or allow Your holy one to rot in the grave. You will show me the way of life, granting me the joy of Your presence and the pleasures of living with You forever. (16‬:‭8‬-‭11‬)

Unless the Lord had helped me, I would soon have settled in the silence of the grave. I cried out, “I am slipping!” but Your unfailing love, O Lord, supported me. When doubts filled my mind, Your comfort gave me renewed hope and cheer. But the Lord is my fortress; my God is the mighty rock where I hide. (94‬:‭17‬-‭19‬, 27)

The ropes of death entangled me; floods of destruction swept over me. The grave wrapped its ropes around me; death laid a trap in my path. But in my distress I cried out to the Lord; yes, I prayed to my God for help. He heard me from His sanctuary; my cry to Him reached His ears. He reached down from heaven and rescued me; He drew me out of deep waters. He rescued me from my powerful enemies, from those who hated me and were too strong for me. They attacked me at a moment when I was in distress, but the Lord supported me. He led me to a place of safety; He rescued me because He delights in me. God’s way is perfect. All the Lord’s promises prove true. He is a shield for all who look to Him for protection. For who is God except the Lord? Who but our God is a solid rock? He makes me as surefooted as a deer, enabling me to stand on mountain heights. He trains my hands for battle; He strengthens my arm to draw a bronze bow. You have given me Your shield of victory. Your right hand supports me; Your help has made me great. You have made a wide path for my feet to keep them from slipping. (18‬:‭4‬-‭6‬, ‭16‬-‭19‬, ‭30‬-‭31‬, ‭33‬-‭36‬) ‭

The Lord is a shelter for the oppressed, a refuge in times of trouble. Those who know Your name trust in You, for You, oh, Lord, do not abandon those who search for You. (9:9-10)

When I look at the night sky and see the work of Your fingers, the moon and the stars You set in place. What are mere mortals that You should think about them, human beings that You should care for them? (8:3-4)

I will praise You, Lord, with all my heart; I will tell of the marvelous things You have done. I will be filled with joy because of You. I will sing praises to Your name, O Most High. (9:1-2)

The Lord’s promises are pure, like silver refined in a furnace, purified seven times over. (12:6)

Lord, through all the generations You have been our home! Teach us to realize the brevity of life, so that we may grow in wisdom. Satisfy us each morning with Your unfailing love, so we may sing for joy to the end of our lives. Give us gladness in proportion to our former misery! Replace the evil years with good. Let us, Your servants, see You work again; let our children see Your glory. And may the Lord our God show us His approval and make our efforts successful. Yes, make our efforts successful! (90‬:‭1‬, ‭12‬, ‭14‬-‭17‬) ‭

This I declare about the Lord: He alone is my refuge, my place of safety; He is my God, and I trust Him. The Lord says, “I will rescue those who love Me. I will protect those who trust in My name. When they call on Me, I will answer; I will be with them in trouble. I will rescue and honor them. (91‬:‭2‬, ‭14‬-‭15‬) ‭

The Lord is my rock, my fortress, and my savior; my God is my rock, in whom I find protection. He is my shield, the power that saves me, and my place of safety. (18‬:‭2‬)

Thank You, Father, Redeemer, Healer, Friend, for seeing me.