sharing

 Sharing is caring. At least that’s what we’re told. But in my overthinking mind, when it comes to sharing myself, I have circular thoughts.

What if I share too much?

What if I don’t share enough?

What if I share the wrong thing?

What if what I share isn’t received? 

What if what I share isn’t respected?

Maybe I should just stop sharing until I know exactly what, when, where, how to share. 

Maybe I should share myself only when I know it’s safe. 

I’ve been told I over-share. I’ve been told I’m too aloof and don’t share enough. I’ve been told what I have to share isn’t good. I’ve been told my sharing wasn’t wanted. 

And then after all of that, I’ve been told I should have known to share or not to share. 

Giving others a part of you or the whole you is scary. Maybe the saying should be “sharing is scaring”. But when I look back over 47 years of life, I recognize that lots of things are scary. When I’ve been brave enough to keep sharing, it’s been rewarding. Of course, I recognize that there are boundaries and limits and nuances to sharing, but the worst thing we can do as human beings is to not share at all. Although, maybe not sharing at all is a type of sharing in itself. 

You are unable to share anything unless it involves OTHERS. You can’t share things with yourself. All that is, is possessing. Look at these definitions for the verb ‘share’:

-give a portion of something to OTHERS

-have a portion of something with OTHERS

-use, occupy, or enjoy something JOINTLY with ANOTHER or OTHERS

-possess a view or quality in common with OTHERS

-of a NUMBER OF PEOPLE or organizations who have a part in an activity

-tell SOMEONE about something, especially something personal

-post or repost something on a SOCIAL media site

We aren’t truly sharing anything if it doesn’t involve other people receiving it. Anytime we share anything, we make ourselves vulnerable to a certain level. This vulnerability can be scary, because it is filled with the unknown. I’ve struggled with vulnerability for years, trying to determine how vulnerable I should be, whether or not I should be vulnerable, worrying about how my vulnerability will be taken. I tend to be a rather share-y person when I begin to feel comfortable around a person or group. Sometimes I’ve misread the environment and found that I had shared too much or what I shared wasn’t liked. The enemy of my God-created soul enjoys this very much. That enemy comes at my thoughts, bearing his weight of baggage from my past with all the shame and derision and failure and illness and disease and disappointment, trying to prove to me that I am unworthy, unlovable, valueless, and need to just shut up and go sit in my dark corner where no one can really see me. 

I no longer want to share the tiniest decibel. 

This is my trap. When I’m here, I believe this to be safe. I believe this will keep me from harm. 

But what it does is keep me. 

Keep me tangled up in my own thoughts. 

Keep me from experiencing life. 

Keep me from learning.

Keep me from seeing the created genius in others. 

Keep me from getting help from others. 

Keep me from helping others. 

Keep me from living into a purpose greater than I can imagine. 

Keep me from God. 

When I allow the enemy’s tools to keep me from hearing the One who loves me more than any human can, I am allowing him to steal and destroy the good in my life, the purpose in my life, the gifts and treasures and rewards and joys. I allow the enemy to take big and little pieces of me that do not belong to him. I follow his urgings to be less than who I am, to be a different person altogether, to walk way outside of the light in which I was created to walk in. 

This is NOT the me I want to share. It’s not who I was designed to share. 

So I continue to struggle against it. There was a time in my life where I kept myself in the perceived safety zone of not sharing much if anything, especially with others that I wasn’t close to. While I continue to be careful and responsible with what I share, I press into the statement a recent friend gave me - 

You have nothing to prove, only share.

See, in not sharing me with others, I am still trying to PROVE something. But what exactly? 

Prove that I am above it? 

That I can’t be hurt? 

That I am in control? 

That I belong? 

That I understand what they are dealing with? 

That I’m trustworthy? 

That I’m an amazing person? 

That I am smart, beautiful, worthy, valuable to have in their life? 

(Wow, that was hard to type out…) 

And in sharing things that may be laced with some dishonesty, I’m trying to prove some of the same things. In sharing too much, I’m still trying to prove these things! I’m too concerned with proving myself in sharing, that some of my sharing becomes disingenuous. 

This is tough to admit and tough to swallow. 

I’ve done lots of work (LOTS) over the last decade on emotional health and trying to live like Jesus. I feel embarrassed to admit that sometimes I have felt like I had possibly learned so much about myself that I am at a place where all I need to work on is getting closer to Jesus. I guess I forgot the truth that the closer we follow Jesus, the more layers He peels off to get to the dirtiness still lingering in our souls. It serves to remind to me, and I now remind you: as followers of Jesus, we never reach some almighty plateau in our journeys where we are ‘all good’ and have nothing more to learn and work on. 

“I am certain that God, who began the good work within you, will continue His work until it is finished on the day when Christ Jesus returns.” (Philippians 1:6)

I’ve had some roller coaster weeks lately. But I am thankful that I am at a point where I can recognize the toll this life can take, and that I don’t have to go through things alone. I have a Father that desires for me to SHARE all things with Him, and He has placed me in a community that I can safely SHARE myself, and He continues to press me into sharing EVEN when it is unknown what reaction I will receive. To keep sharing EVEN when I am misunderstood. In standing up and continuing on, I victoriously take back what that sneaky enemy has stolen.  The enemy DOES NOT get to keep me.

Fear’s got me living with the lights out / Chained down like a prisoner in my own house / Shame cycles like a daily medication / I try, but I can’t change my situation / ‘Cause the lion comes to rob my joy / Yeah, I’m bruised, but I’m not destroyed / I’m rising like an army / and you’re gonna hear the sound 

I’m calling the angels down / I’m storming the gates of hell / Tell the devil he won’t own my soul / I’m taking back what the enemy stole / I’m raising the battle cry / I’m holding the banner high / With the power of the Holy Ghost / I’m taking back what the enemy stole 

You can’t speak your lies over my family, no / You can’t break the promises that are standing, no / Ain’t gotta flex to put you back in place now / One name is all I gotta say / Jesus  

We’re done with all the mind games you try to play / If it ain’t clear yet, I want everything you took from me / In the name of the One who is Peace, the One who heals all disease / The only reason that I am free, that name is Jesus / Lord of lords and King of kings / Jesus / The name that makes the demons flee / I want it all now, we’re taking it back now / Yeah, you know it’s going down when you hear the sound 

I’m calling the angels down / I’m storming the gates of hell / Tell the devil he won’t own my soul / I’m taking back what the enemy stole / I’m raising the battle cry / I’m holding the banner high / With the power of the Holy Ghost / I’m taking back what the enemy stole

(Take It All Back - Tauren Wells, We the Kingdom, & Davies)