discontent

 I’ve decided to get back into the blogging world. Not sure why, but I keep feeling the tug. It’s a good practice of journaling for me, and for some reason I feel compelled to share. I don’t like being this vulnerable - I like keeping the exterior of me looking somewhat polished and together. These are posts of what is going on in my head - I had originally, years ago, titled this blog “just thinking”, and then changed it to “just listening”. I still feel that I’m listening - to myself, to others, to my Heavenly Father… all while thinking. I think a lot. I guess at 46 years of age, I’m willing to admit that I overthink. So keeping the name at “listening” is a good reminder. 

I wrote out this next piece for a ladies’ gathering at church a couple of months ago.  I had thought I was ‘over it’, but today I’m fighting the SUCK of discontentment. So I decided to reread what I wrote and fight against it again. I will never be absolutely perfect, and as I read over some old blog posts this morning, I could see how I need to come back to lessons learned throughout my life. I chose not to get discouraged (although it did cross my mind to think what a loser I am) about the fact that there are some things I struggle with again and again. I chose instead to recognize cycles and struggles and decide what to do about them. So here is my current struggle, written out in June.

I have been struggling with a cloud of discontent.  I am unsure of the exact root cause, but I can see how comparison feeds into it. Comparing my current house and its flaws and floorplan to the house we got to build in Odessa about 13 years ago. 

Comparing my body to someone else’s that I see online, or even to what it was a year ago. 

Comparing my kid’s apathy to someone else’s kid’s initiative. 

Comparing my thinning hair to someone’s full and luscious locks, especially women that are older than me. 

Comparing my decision and inability to work full-time to a mom and a wife that can and does. 

Comparing my teeth and their current state to someone’s white, straight choppers. 

Comparing this and that and her and him and them and those,

 and the list goes on and on. 

See, younger sisters, even those of us that are considered middle-aged and may seem to have all things ‘together’ can be sucked into the spiral of discontent and comparison. It is a dangerous trap. Even when we have “been there, done that”, sometimes the enemy works on our minds to try to draw us back into this murky, depressing pit, where the only exit is OUT 

and the sides get slimy and slick, 

and it gets hard to see through the clutter of demanding TASKS 

and needy OTHERS 

and noisy SHOULDS. 

Recognizing that the discontent is there, and knowing that I must combat it, becomes a roadblock on my journey that frustrates me just as a traffic jam grates on the nerves of the traveler, needing to get to a set appointment. We can look at the map on our phones and see the annoying red line that shows that the major slow down that we are stuck in will eventually end, but it is hard to truly know when the speed will for sure pick back up, and we will be blissfully traveling along with good music playing and our body in a much more relaxed state without every little thing getting on our last nerve. I know there is an end to this season. I have traversed this space before. But when I am in the in-between, THIS is where things can get Tricky. 

Cloudy. 

Frustrating. 

Irritating. 

Murky. 

Painful. 

Exhausting. 

THIS is where Mental and Spiritual and Emotional combat must happen. THIS is where prayer gets HARD and REPETITIVE and sometimes feels MONOTONOUS. This is where Romans 7 seems to be playing out in my mind like closed captions across the bottom of the screen of my vision, whether my eyelids are closed or open. As stated in The Message, 

“I am full of myself. What I don’t understand…. is that I decide one way, but then I act another, doing things I absolutely despise. So if I can’t be trusted to figure out what is best for myself and then do it, it becomes obvious that God‘s command is necessary. But I need something MORE! For I know the law, but still can’t keep it, and if the power of sin within me keeps sabotaging my best intentions, I obviously need help! I realize that I don’t have what it takes. I can WILL it, but I can’t DO it. I decide to do good, but I don’t really do it; I decide not to do bad, but then I do it anyway. My decisions, such as they are, don’t result in actions. Something has gone wrong deep within me and gets the better of me every time. It happens so regularly that it’s predictable. The moment I decide to do good, sin is there to trip me up. I truly delight in God‘s commands, but it’s pretty obvious that not all of me joins in that delight. Parts of me covertly rebel, and just when I least expect it, they take charge. I’ve tried everything and nothing helps. I’m at the end of my rope.”  

Now, some of us know how that chapter and lament finishes – that Jesus Christ can help and He does. But let me continue to be honest - knowing that truth and recalling that truth does not mean an immediate lifting of this cloud of discontent. 

So now I’m here. In this in-between space of recognizing the discontent and the outside escape from the pit. I don’t want to stay here, and I’ve lived enough life and gone through enough spirals to know it can & will pass. So I know it will take time and action and a whole lot of God to get through. Another discontent I recognize is the discontent to travel through this season doing the ‘same ol’, same ol’.’ That brings me here - in a posture of 

“How do I not just survive and get through this, but how do I THRIVE? 

How do I LEARN from this? 

How do I still find JOY? 

How do I come out BETTER than I came in? 

How do I FIND and CREATE tools and strategies to come back the next time I feel the spiral sucking me back in?”

So I look to see what the word discontent means. Miriam Webster defines ‘discontent’ as “dissatisfied; lack of satisfaction with one’s possessions, status, or situation; a sense of grievance; restless aspiration for improvement.” My next steps, then, are to examine these definitions; to look at synonyms and see what strikes me. “restless aspiration for improvement” made me say WHOA.  I plan to sit with that over the next while, letting it marinate, and allowing the Spirit to bring things to mind. I need to carve out ‘me time’ to put pen to paper and write out what I feel or see or have been thinking in regards to “restless aspirations for improvement”. 

What am I restless about? 

What am I aspiring to? 

What do I think needs improvement? 

Then I need to get practical and think and process and evaluate. One thing I can think of right away that has been percolating in the corner of my mind has been to compare thoughts and desired actions to Philippians 4:8. The NLT says it like this, 

“Fix your thoughts on what is true, and honorable, and right, and pure, and lovely, and admirable. Think about things that are excellent and worthy of praise.” 

I see this as a perfect and highly suitable place to start. After journaling out my honest and real desires, I can hold them up to these standards. And then I can work at laying these things at Jesus’s feet. Maybe even doing something symbolic like burning a list or getting prostrate on the floor or whatever helps me to visualize giving my discontent to God and asking for his help. And as I plan all this ACTION out, 

He reminds me that ultimately, He is in control.  

That ultimately, He is the one who changes my heart. 

That, even as I work to rid myself of discontent, I am still living in a fallen world. 

I am still human. 

There will be no magic pill. 

That sometimes He gives automatic and seemingly perfect solutions, and sometimes He just walks along with us. 

He reminds me that He has been through this type of season Himself; that He’s been with me, through all my seasons; 

that He is my place of PEACE in the storm, 

my guiding LIGHT through darkness, 

and my PATH out of the pit. 

He reminds me that in this world I WILL have troubles, but that He has overcome them, and He will help me through. 

He reminds me to hold onto His promises, to remind myself over and over again of what He has spoken over me, and to me, and through me, and in spite of me, and in the dark and in the light, and in the valley and on the mountain. 

That He gets the last word, even in the swirl of my over-analyzing. 

And He reminds me to “not fret or worry. Instead of worrying, pray. Let petition and praises shape [my] worries into prayers, letting [Him] know [my] concern.. And that before [I] know it, {in His time}, a sense of [His] wholeness, everything coming together for good, will come and settle [me] down.” 

He reminds me that this has happened before, and it will happen again. 

So as I continue through this portion of my journey, and God has somewhat pushed me to be open and vulnerable and share this said struggle, let me finish with The Message’s interpretation of Philippians 4:8-9: “Summing it all up, friends, I’d say you’ll do best by filling your minds and meditating on things true, noble, reputable, authentic, compelling, gracious – the best, not the worst; the beautiful, not the ugly; things to praise, not things to curse. Put into practice what you learned… what you heard, and saw, and realized. Do that, and God, who makes everything work together, will work you into His most excellent harmonies.”