discontent

 I’ve decided to get back into the blogging world. Not sure why, but I keep feeling the tug. It’s a good practice of journaling for me, and for some reason I feel compelled to share. I don’t like being this vulnerable - I like keeping the exterior of me looking somewhat polished and together. These are posts of what is going on in my head - I had originally, years ago, titled this blog “just thinking”, and then changed it to “just listening”. I still feel that I’m listening - to myself, to others, to my Heavenly Father… all while thinking. I think a lot. I guess at 46 years of age, I’m willing to admit that I overthink. So keeping the name at “listening” is a good reminder. 

I wrote out this next piece for a ladies’ gathering at church a couple of months ago.  I had thought I was ‘over it’, but today I’m fighting the SUCK of discontentment. So I decided to reread what I wrote and fight against it again. I will never be absolutely perfect, and as I read over some old blog posts this morning, I could see how I need to come back to lessons learned throughout my life. I chose not to get discouraged (although it did cross my mind to think what a loser I am) about the fact that there are some things I struggle with again and again. I chose instead to recognize cycles and struggles and decide what to do about them. So here is my current struggle, written out in June.

I have been struggling with a cloud of discontent.  I am unsure of the exact root cause, but I can see how comparison feeds into it. Comparing my current house and its flaws and floorplan to the house we got to build in Odessa about 13 years ago. 

Comparing my body to someone else’s that I see online, or even to what it was a year ago. 

Comparing my kid’s apathy to someone else’s kid’s initiative. 

Comparing my thinning hair to someone’s full and luscious locks, especially women that are older than me. 

Comparing my decision and inability to work full-time to a mom and a wife that can and does. 

Comparing my teeth and their current state to someone’s white, straight choppers. 

Comparing this and that and her and him and them and those,

 and the list goes on and on. 

See, younger sisters, even those of us that are considered middle-aged and may seem to have all things ‘together’ can be sucked into the spiral of discontent and comparison. It is a dangerous trap. Even when we have “been there, done that”, sometimes the enemy works on our minds to try to draw us back into this murky, depressing pit, where the only exit is OUT 

and the sides get slimy and slick, 

and it gets hard to see through the clutter of demanding TASKS 

and needy OTHERS 

and noisy SHOULDS. 

Recognizing that the discontent is there, and knowing that I must combat it, becomes a roadblock on my journey that frustrates me just as a traffic jam grates on the nerves of the traveler, needing to get to a set appointment. We can look at the map on our phones and see the annoying red line that shows that the major slow down that we are stuck in will eventually end, but it is hard to truly know when the speed will for sure pick back up, and we will be blissfully traveling along with good music playing and our body in a much more relaxed state without every little thing getting on our last nerve. I know there is an end to this season. I have traversed this space before. But when I am in the in-between, THIS is where things can get Tricky. 

Cloudy. 

Frustrating. 

Irritating. 

Murky. 

Painful. 

Exhausting. 

THIS is where Mental and Spiritual and Emotional combat must happen. THIS is where prayer gets HARD and REPETITIVE and sometimes feels MONOTONOUS. This is where Romans 7 seems to be playing out in my mind like closed captions across the bottom of the screen of my vision, whether my eyelids are closed or open. As stated in The Message, 

“I am full of myself. What I don’t understand…. is that I decide one way, but then I act another, doing things I absolutely despise. So if I can’t be trusted to figure out what is best for myself and then do it, it becomes obvious that God‘s command is necessary. But I need something MORE! For I know the law, but still can’t keep it, and if the power of sin within me keeps sabotaging my best intentions, I obviously need help! I realize that I don’t have what it takes. I can WILL it, but I can’t DO it. I decide to do good, but I don’t really do it; I decide not to do bad, but then I do it anyway. My decisions, such as they are, don’t result in actions. Something has gone wrong deep within me and gets the better of me every time. It happens so regularly that it’s predictable. The moment I decide to do good, sin is there to trip me up. I truly delight in God‘s commands, but it’s pretty obvious that not all of me joins in that delight. Parts of me covertly rebel, and just when I least expect it, they take charge. I’ve tried everything and nothing helps. I’m at the end of my rope.”  

Now, some of us know how that chapter and lament finishes – that Jesus Christ can help and He does. But let me continue to be honest - knowing that truth and recalling that truth does not mean an immediate lifting of this cloud of discontent. 

So now I’m here. In this in-between space of recognizing the discontent and the outside escape from the pit. I don’t want to stay here, and I’ve lived enough life and gone through enough spirals to know it can & will pass. So I know it will take time and action and a whole lot of God to get through. Another discontent I recognize is the discontent to travel through this season doing the ‘same ol’, same ol’.’ That brings me here - in a posture of 

“How do I not just survive and get through this, but how do I THRIVE? 

How do I LEARN from this? 

How do I still find JOY? 

How do I come out BETTER than I came in? 

How do I FIND and CREATE tools and strategies to come back the next time I feel the spiral sucking me back in?”

So I look to see what the word discontent means. Miriam Webster defines ‘discontent’ as “dissatisfied; lack of satisfaction with one’s possessions, status, or situation; a sense of grievance; restless aspiration for improvement.” My next steps, then, are to examine these definitions; to look at synonyms and see what strikes me. “restless aspiration for improvement” made me say WHOA.  I plan to sit with that over the next while, letting it marinate, and allowing the Spirit to bring things to mind. I need to carve out ‘me time’ to put pen to paper and write out what I feel or see or have been thinking in regards to “restless aspirations for improvement”. 

What am I restless about? 

What am I aspiring to? 

What do I think needs improvement? 

Then I need to get practical and think and process and evaluate. One thing I can think of right away that has been percolating in the corner of my mind has been to compare thoughts and desired actions to Philippians 4:8. The NLT says it like this, 

“Fix your thoughts on what is true, and honorable, and right, and pure, and lovely, and admirable. Think about things that are excellent and worthy of praise.” 

I see this as a perfect and highly suitable place to start. After journaling out my honest and real desires, I can hold them up to these standards. And then I can work at laying these things at Jesus’s feet. Maybe even doing something symbolic like burning a list or getting prostrate on the floor or whatever helps me to visualize giving my discontent to God and asking for his help. And as I plan all this ACTION out, 

He reminds me that ultimately, He is in control.  

That ultimately, He is the one who changes my heart. 

That, even as I work to rid myself of discontent, I am still living in a fallen world. 

I am still human. 

There will be no magic pill. 

That sometimes He gives automatic and seemingly perfect solutions, and sometimes He just walks along with us. 

He reminds me that He has been through this type of season Himself; that He’s been with me, through all my seasons; 

that He is my place of PEACE in the storm, 

my guiding LIGHT through darkness, 

and my PATH out of the pit. 

He reminds me that in this world I WILL have troubles, but that He has overcome them, and He will help me through. 

He reminds me to hold onto His promises, to remind myself over and over again of what He has spoken over me, and to me, and through me, and in spite of me, and in the dark and in the light, and in the valley and on the mountain. 

That He gets the last word, even in the swirl of my over-analyzing. 

And He reminds me to “not fret or worry. Instead of worrying, pray. Let petition and praises shape [my] worries into prayers, letting [Him] know [my] concern.. And that before [I] know it, {in His time}, a sense of [His] wholeness, everything coming together for good, will come and settle [me] down.” 

He reminds me that this has happened before, and it will happen again. 

So as I continue through this portion of my journey, and God has somewhat pushed me to be open and vulnerable and share this said struggle, let me finish with The Message’s interpretation of Philippians 4:8-9: “Summing it all up, friends, I’d say you’ll do best by filling your minds and meditating on things true, noble, reputable, authentic, compelling, gracious – the best, not the worst; the beautiful, not the ugly; things to praise, not things to curse. Put into practice what you learned… what you heard, and saw, and realized. Do that, and God, who makes everything work together, will work you into His most excellent harmonies.”

My oldest baby...

The time is almost upon us!  My oldest baby, whose favorite Disney princess is Belle because she "wants adventure in the great wide somewhere" and has a deep and profound love for books, is about to venture out into the world!  She has the opportunity this summer to head to Guatemala to serve at an orphanage for a week. (Her mother will, alas, go with her.....)
Here's more information:

Dear Friends,

Caitlyn is excited to announce that she has the opportunity to work at an orphanage in Guatemala for a week this July!  This of course means that Momma will go with her.  :)  Casa Bernabe Orphanage is home to about 150 children who have experienced broken homes, abandonment, neglect or abuse.  Casa Bernabe provides:

a family-style home environment, 

education provided at an on-site Christian School, 

medical care at the on-site clinic, 

psychological care, 

vocational programs for future work-force training, and

transitional programs for launching into adulthood.    

This will be Caitlyn’s first opportunity to experience a missions trip; she has already expressed a strong desire to do missions work in her future (her dream right now is to do veterinarian work in a third world country) and is excited to see what this week will hold for her.  Christy is happy to be able to go on another short-term missions trip, gaining another stamp in her passport, and experiencing this with her oldest baby.  

As they prepare for the upcoming trip, there are a few areas of concern:

Caitlyn is technically a college student as well as a high school student.  There may be some work she needs to do this summer in regards to that.  We are hoping all is taken care of before the trip, as well as no conflicts in scheduling.

Christy is under new care for her physical issues, specifically dealing with her thyroid disease.  She is hoping and praying to be settled into her new medication, and have more energy and strength before the summer.

The trip expenses will be about $1000 for each of them.  That puts our family’s total to $2000, of course, and that is in the midst of an expensive year.  About half of these expenses are due soon.

Would you be willing to partner with Caitlyn (and Christy) in some way to help make this trip a possibility?  We covet your prayers first and foremost, not only as we prepare even this many months away, but also throughout the trip.  We would also appreciate any amount of donation towards the cost of the trip.  You can send any donations directly through mail, PayPal, or FB Messenger, or go to this link: newvida.churchcenter.com/giving (select “Guatemala Missions Trip” in the drop down tab), and then let us know so we can properly thank you!  Feel free to contact us via mail, email, or phone.   

With Many Thanks,

Caitlyn, Christy,

Malcolm, Andrew, and Breanna

a piece of a journey

 The mask has fallen.

 I am here, naked, unsure

 Deep down, who am I

weak
burdened
ashamed
spent
tired, so tired
struggling
striving
missing the mark, time and again

 I cover my face, too afraid to look
 He is
stunning
shining
pure
warm
peaceful
accepting
inviting
life-giving
forgiving

And He's holding out His hand to me.

 I have nothing to give Him but
my brokenness
my anger
my doubt
my confusion
my frustration
my anxiety
my disease

He comes closer.
And I want what He has to give.
Want it desperately.
I reach towards Him but shrink back.
If I touch Him, I will defile Him.
Maybe I can touch His feet, the hem of His garment.
Just a touch.

I reach out.

the scales drop
the weight is lifted
the emptiness is filled
the anxiety is stilled
darkness changed to light
fear change to courage

I am alive.

Even when I struggle, I am victorious.
Even when I feel lonely, I am loved.
Even when I am overwhelmed, I have peace.
Even when I feel sad, I have joy.
Even when I know I can't do this on my own, He gives me strength.

I refuse to pick the mask back up.
I feel more true without it.
I don't need it anymore.
I need to be alive.

The mask has fallen.

I'm how old??

I haven't blogged in over a year.  All 3 of my readers (Hi, Mom) are crying buckets, I'm sure.  I've had so many different wonderings at times that I think would make a great blog, but I never sit down and write it out.  This morning, though, (oh, it's actually afternoon & I'm still in my pajamas) I have had swirling emotions and thoughts.  And I realized that the 2 year old is napping and I have a moment to sit and type.  So this is gonna be messy.  As messy as my hair is piled on top of my head and the remnants of cleaning solution is on my pajama pants (aren't you glad I didn't Vlog).  Speaking of the cleaning solution.

I actually had energy this morning to clean my bathrooms.  And I mean SCRUB THE TUBS.  I ashamedly admit that this has not been done near as often as it should have.  But I was emotional and needed an outlet and the sink and tub in my master bath were causing me to gag, so some serious cleaning was had.  So much so that stains that were there when we moved in and have not been previously eradicated are now gone (huge high five for all messy moms out there).  Someone may step in and the tub may disintegrate beneath them, but, dadgumit, those nasty spots that someone other than my family put there are gone.  Internally, I would love to go through the whole house and clean until my arms fall off, but I have to remain living while my husband is out of town this weekend.

So backtracking to why I was emotionally set off.  There are several reasons, but I'll try to limit it to one.  or two.  and be not extremely long-winded about it.  I emphasize the word try.

I am currently reading 7 written by Jen Hatmaker (who I feel could very possibly be amongst a gang of women I would want to belong to up in heaven - we would be off to the side in some shadows, laughing until we snorted/cried/peed our pants at something a tad inappropriate but hilarious to us..... I digress) and it is making me feel.... I'm not really sure of the word that would be used for ungrateful, challenged, convicted, slobby, thankful (I know that is opposite of ungrateful), humored, saddened (opposite, again, I know... do you see my dilemma)? This is a book in a line of books I've been reading (some are finished, some have been tabled for awhile due to overwhelmingness (that probably isn't a word) or just forgetfulness) (I just realized I put parentheses in parentheses) over the last almost 2 years that are changing my life.  This morning I was reading about her experiences with wearing the same 7 items of clothing for a month (if you want to know why, read the book).  This comes after months of looking in my closet and feeling disgusted with several things.  (Here's where this is just gonna get messier than this writing already is.  Not doing this for an English grade...) My health is on a crazy roller coaster ride.  (see past blogs for some info)  The last almost 8 months have been tough.  I'm on a path of healing, but it is taking a long time.  And one thing that I haven't admitted to anyone (big dramatic pause) is that I know I'm not doing the full extent of what I can to help the process along.  I'm undisciplined.  Some days I'm gungho ready to do whatever it takes, then the next I'm drinking my 3rd Dr Pepper of the day and eating M&M's.  I'll take a walk or ride my bike one morning, fully intending to do the same the next day, and then wake up feeling like I'm getting the flu.  Silent illnesses that are internal and have no real outside obvious symptoms showing are hard to describe.  Let's just say for sake of time that everyday I deal with pain and fatigue.  There are many more things that occur, some I don't even fully recognize as a symptom until it is pointed out, but the main trouble makers are pain and fatigue.  Unless you've experienced this, you won't understand when I say that there are some days I seriously cannot get going to clean or start/work on/finish a project.  Those days, it takes everything I can give to take care of the Bonus Baby, pick the other two up from school, and cook supper.  I struggle with feelings of inadequacy, frequently questioning if I am just lazy.  Over the past 18 months of studying, reading, talking, praying, I know the answer to that and have to just keep going, trying to not worry about what others may think, and know that I am enough (so much I could say about that, but I'm trying to focus here).  So back to my closet - In the past 6-8 months, I have gained 20 pounds.  That is quite a bit for me in that amount of time. I weigh the most I've ever weighed (not being pregnant).  I realize that it's not a ridiculous amount, but it makes a big difference for me.  And as far as I can tell, I'm not doing anything to steadily gain weight.  My appetite is actually decreasing.  (side bar - I am seeing a doctor and we are addressing all of this, so I don't really need any advice....)  Most of the clothes in my closet don't fit.  I can squeeze them on, but I like to look in the mirror before I walk out the door to the public.  Some things just don't need seeing, 'cause you can't undo that, people.  I also have this crazy notion that clothes should feel awesome and you should be comfortable in them.  That means that most of my days lately are spent in exercise capris or yoga pants and some larger shirts I finally bought several weeks ago or Malcolm's t-shirts.  I don't really like clothes shopping.  I can have ideas in my head of what I would like to wear, but I can't find them at the store.  Plus, I'm cheap.  There, I said it.  I would love to never pay more than $10 for any piece of clothing.  I mean, really.   Why do clothes cost more than $30, anyway??  I'm sure there's good reasons, but, again, the cheapness.  So this morning, I decided to finally do it.  I went into my closet and took out every item that I can't wear anymore.  Wait, that's not totally true.  There are still some skirts in there that I don't think I can part with yet.  I still need to go through the multiple sweat pants, etc., hanging out on the top shelf.  But guess what?  As I took these not-worn-for-months clothing articles off the hangers and started piling them on the bed, I cried.  I CRIED.  OVER CLOTHES.  Seriously?  What in the first-world-problem is wrong with me?  These items have been hanging in my closet for who knows how long (a couple pieces I've actually never worn except to try on and see how awful it looks on me...), and I am crying over them!!!!  Disgusting.  So I finished the hang-up items and then attacked the tub.  At least something productive came out of it.

I am acutely aware that I turn 40 in December.  I'm not as mature as I thought I would be by now.  I have a teenager that sometimes thinks deeper than I do.  Somedays I wonder if I'll be able to keep up with my crazy hubsters when we are old and grey (no comments about his salt & pepper). I know I'm not old, although I feel like it, but I have some major and minor goals I want to meet before December 6th.  So I'm sitting here pouring this out on a blog.  And hoping that in all of the five people that might read this (Hi again, Mom), someone can identify with the uncomfortableness of excess and questioning of identity and fatigue of muscles and struggle with self and all the other messiness of life.  I definitely want to reach out and be vulnerable and authentic because, hello, living with the mask up all the time is exhausting.  We really need to stop it.
And when it comes down to it, we all need scrubbed like there's no tomorrow so that, even if we are worn thin, we can shine.

Like my old, stains-are-gone tub.  (Can I get another high five?)

Lemme 'splain

How often do you see someone that you think might have a bad impression of you & wish you could either explain yourself or have a do-over?

what do I want to be known for? There are some women that, every time I see them, I am renewed with a desire to be like them. They ....     And why do I want to be like that? Is it for me?


So, I started this blog several months ago while at a meeting with several other pastors and some wives. I saw a few people that met me at some point in the past, and at that time I was going through a difficult part of my journey. I can recall things that either I said or did that weren't necessarily what I would categorize as 'me'. But they were me at the time, weren't they?  If I'm downright honest with myself and the world, it was what I was thinking  or feeling at that particular time in my life. It may not have been what my overall personhood is, but it's what I could do in the midst of what I was going through. It's what those that love me deal with because they love me and accept me and know that we all go through times when we just aren't 'ourselves'. I kept putting off posting this, because I think I was still, well, AM still working through this part of me that is ashamed of some of the ways I have acted and some of the issues I've been working through over the past several years. I have this ideal picture in my head of who and what I want to be. And yet when I am striving to be that woman, I can get lost. I lose parts of the person I was created to be. I forget or refuse to see & accept what is inside of me that I can be proud of. I get clouded because I'm trying to be some perfect vision of a perfect woman. Perfection is unattainable and unreal. It distorts our view of true beauty.

I have been reading a couple of incredible books lately, and one is Daring Greatly by Brene Brown. It talks a lot of about shame that we put on ourselves and the need for vulnerability so we can heal, love ourselves,  and love others. She says,
"If we want freedom from perfectionism, we have to make the long journey from 'What will people think?' to 'I am enough'. That journey begins with shame resilience, self-compassion, and owning our stories. To claim the truths about who we are, where we come from, what we believe, and the very imperfect nature of our lives, we have to be willing to give ourselves a break and appreciate the beauty of our cracks or imperfections. To be kinder and gentler with ourselves and each other. To talk to ourselves the same way we'd talk to someone we care about."

BAM. Square between my eyes. Listen up, Christy.

The last couple of weeks have been tough physically. My fatigue got bad. I had a crick (whatever that word really is...) in my neck, and I have been fighting off a near sinus infection. I have added a couple supplements to my regimine (per doc orders) to fight off this fatigue, and so far it seems to be helping a bit. But when the tough days hit, it's easy for me to self-condemn. To look for what it is I must be doing wrong because I'm not totally healthy and better. I forget that I was depleted when all of this started. That I've probably been depleted for a number of years. That I have a long process ahead of me. That I'm learning more about myself and what I can or shouldn't be doing, eating, etc.  I begin to see all my faults and stuff from the past gets dragged up. It's a vicious cycle that my brain wants to ride, and I have been learning and exercising to capture every thought. I am training myself to stop the shame cycle. To see what actually does need dealt with and what needs to just be stopped and let truth reign.
What about you? Do you see people from the past, or even the present, with whom you wish you could have a redo? First of all, capture that thought. Secondly, live in your story. You can't change their thoughts anyway. Only they can do that. Just strive to be..... imperfect - wholly and wonderfully YOU. That's my journey, too.

shaking off shackles

I am having to work at capturing every thought this morning. Of course, while I'm studying through shame resilience and keeping control of emotions will I get pelted with reminders of my set backs, disappointments, body image, etc etc etc. I don't want to list it all or I feel like that is giving in.

This morning in particular I'm feeling frustration with health stuff. I'm having to remind myself that I have come a great deal forward from where I have been. I'm calling it out, admitting to myself that I need to be healthier and doing something more about it than just wallowing in self pity or pride. I know there are many worse things that could be taking place, but I have to say out loud that this IS an issue for me and am finding out that this is an issue for many women. We deserve (oh, how I hesitate to use that word..) to be healthier, to feel better, to have self-worth and value.

So I'm in a battle. I'm putting up arms against these negative thoughts & feelings towards myself. I am loved. I am valued. I was created for an abundant life. I am on a fantastic journey, if I will open my eyes and look around and see what all is taking place. What a ride!! I'm choosing to enjoy it!!  Even with all its ups & downs, twists & turns! I've got great company on this ride, thanks be to God!  And I apparantly love exclamation points!!!!
!!!



!!


!

2 Corinthians 10:5

momma said

it's been one of those days. I had a hard time getting out of bed. I ached all day. I had a hurting kid I had to get back in to the chiropractor this morning. This afternoon into evening the baby was clingy. I just feel down. I missed all my supplements I'm supposed to be taking. I didn't get to any exercises. I'm realizing I'm behind in keeping the checkbook, or the budget for that matter. I wanted to get the Christmas decorations put up, but haven't yet. I had 2 large cups of coffee today, as well as a Dr Pepper. I still have laundry to fold and/or hang up, BUT at least I actually got the laundry sorted and washed!!

I'm so glad that I've given up the desire to be perfect. Hahaha!!

I am currently reading a greatly insightful book that Malcolm urged me to read. Daring Greatly by Brene Brown is about being vulnerable and figuring out how to deal with shame. Shame is not just about feeling terrible about something bad you've done. I know that that is the feelings/definition I attached to that word every time I heard it. There are all types of shame, and I'm getting to the point in the book about developing 'shame resilience'. It's really good stuff. Everyone should read it. Unless you are an abnormal human being (& I don't mean that ugly) (well, maybe not) that never has any guilt in the deep part of their being in the middle of the night about anything they've ever done or said or thought or wrote or acted.... Get the point?  Get it. Read it. Heal.

All of that to say, after taking in all my disappointments, failures, shortcomings of today, I refuse to feel bad about myself. So I fell short of my goals today. I took care of my kids, I got up, got dressed, brushed my teeth, put deodorant on, cooked supper, did laundry... No shame. Momma said there'd be days like this.

Es la vida.

Se la vi.

 After all, tomorrow is another day.

(Did you just go back & say that in your best Scarlet O'Hara accent? Yeah, you will now, won't ya?)