Today has been a tough mental day. The last few days I have had some severe muscle pain, and today my right hip has hurt awfully. (This has been an ongoing thing for a few years now.) I realized this morning that some of the pain may be because I have not been taking my Vitamin D that I was supposed to be taking. I take so many pills because of the supplements that I just didn't want to take anymore. So I started that up again this afternoon. We shall see if it helps. I'm trying not to burn all the new energy I'm having (it's not a lot, but it's more than I've had in awhile). This evening though, I really wanted to cook and was able to make tonight's meal plus get one ready for tomorrow. But my hip just started having shooting pain and I had to use ice and now heat the get any relief.
I'm feeling a bit overwhelmed. Yesterday we went out to eat for lunch and I had a great salad, but oh, the bread on the table looked so delicious. Today even the trash smelled good at one point. I kept thinking, you know you're on a cleanse when even the trash smells good....
I just want chocolate. And bread. And something other than just water to drink. (We all know that means Dr Pepper.)
So I'm feeling a bit whiney. Besides the energy and the little weight loss, I'm not seeing any big results quite yet. Which shows my impatience, since it's only day 6. But the pain today has made me come a little unglued. I've been dealing with (& hiding) my almost constant pain for years now that I have a hard time even figuring out when it really started. I dealt with fatigue in high school. It's just gotten more constant and severe over the last 8 years, really getting bad the last 4/5. I like to chant to myself that there is always always something to be thankful for. I know that there is always someone who has it worse. Things could be so much worse. I have so much to be grateful for , and I cling to those in desperate times. Those times in the middle of the night, or when soaking in a hot bath, or driving by myself. Those are the times when I can get overwhelmed and depressed with this achiness and fatigue and feeling of being a failure. My biggest fear about doing this cleanse and the things I will be doing afterward is that it won't change anything. That I will always feel this way. That I can never feel normal or have enough energy or lack of pain. But then I dare to hope. To capture those negative thoughts and remember Who is in control.
So that's where I am tonight. You got the raw edition.
Now hang on to a piece of chocolate for me. I have 15 more days....
Monday, November 3, 2014
Thursday, October 30, 2014
getting healthy
Yesterday I started a purification cleanse. There are so many reasons I am doing this, but it all comes down to me getting healthy. Many people would wonder why I need to get healthy. From the outside, I look healthy, I act healthy..... but I'm not. I've shared before that I have Hashimoto's Thyroid Disease. Most of what I've been dealing with for about 9 years (if not longer) seems to be because of this disease, but how can we know for sure... Over the last 9 years, since my son was born, I have seen several doctors. I was happy that one found the Hashimoto's, but then the care just didn't deliver what was promised. I went to another endocrinologist who was promising, but then left town. The last one I had been seeing just kept my levels 'normal', and never seemed to really care that at practically every visit I complained of muscle and joint ache, fatigue, and anxiety or depression. This is apparently too common of an issue regarding the patient/doctor relationship when it comes to a lot of 'silent' illnesses. I was excited that I would be moving to this area where more doctors were available. I had already decided that i was going to be searching for a new doctor, so this just made it super convenient. :)
Since moving here, I have found a fabulous chiropractor and an internal medicine doctor. Both are listening to me. Both believe that just checking blood levels is not enough. Both want to help me feel better. Both believe that it is unacceptable for me to continue to survive when I want to THRIVE.
Soooo, long story short (I will share more as this process continues), my chiropractor told me about a hair analysis she uses to check mineral levels and how all of those work with each other. The hair can actually tell more of what is going on in your body over months versus blood that tells what is going on recently - our blood is constantly getting 'cleaned', whereas hair grows out and has data from weeks upon weeks.... I was actually happy with the results because it shows that all of my mineral levels are down! I know, that doesn't sound like happy news, but I was so glad to hear that I AM NOT LOSING MY MIND. There IS a reason I feel terrible so often! There IS a reason that I feel like I have hardly any energy! And on and on and so forth....
My doc said I was one of the most exhausted cases she's seen, and well as having the highest toxicity. (I'm so special, I told her.)
So here's the deal-i-o. I am currently doing a 21 day cleanse (I've been wanting to do one before, but didn't want to just do something I'd read on the internet because I was afraid I'd hurt myself!) that basically consists of eating only fruits and vegetables for 10 days (with some spices/seasonings) and then adding small amounts of lean meats for the remaining 11 days. Throughout the whole time I will take supplements. Today I am thinking about Dr. Pepper a lot!! Some of you know how I feel about this life juice we call Dr. Pepper. It is a huge love of mine. It tastes so good and bubbly and just has that .... Oi, I must stop talking about it. Then after that I will begin to rebuild my mineral levels with healthier eating, exercise, and supplements. After 90 days we will do another hair analysis to see how things are going. I have also changed what type of thyroid medicine I am on, and can tell a difference.
So far it's not going tooooo badly, but I am hungry. Plus I had caught a cold, so I can't really tell if I'm having any side effects what with an already yucky head and the usual body aches. I kind of feel like I'm trying to 'catch' an illness, but again..... the cold, etc..... I will admit that I've had a few woe-is-me times, especially yesterday. The first day. Not a great sign, but I'll hang in there. I am finally mentally ready to take the drastic-ish measures I have to in order to get healthy. I want to have more energy! I want to be able to plan things and not worry about how I may wake up feeling that day. I want to run around outside with my kids and not feel like my legs are gonna disintegrate 5 minutes (if that long) later. I want to keep my house clean and not sit on the couch looking at a mess because I can not physically make myself lift anything beyond my body. I want to be surprised at how great I feel one day and know that this hard work is worth it.
I am trying new things, and will be making my family try them, too. ha!! But they still get to eat other good things, too. I made some kale chips yesterday. Let me just say that all the people on Pinterest who said that those things are so tasty and they never want potato chips again are LIARS. Sorry, we shouldn't call people liars, I know. And everyone is entitled to their own opinion, but I'm hungry. Leave me alone. Those kale chips are toasted weeds. Yuck. I was a good girl and choked down several, but nope. I threw the rest away today after I had put them in a ziplock yesterday pretending that I would try again. No thanks. No bueno. Not gonna eat 'em.
I have pinned (Pinterest word) several yummy looking recipes for clean eating veggies. And I'm looking forward to finding new nutritious dishes to make. But they will probably taste even better next to a big juicy grilled ribeye....
with an ice cold Dr. Pepper.
and warm chocolate chip cookies.
Since moving here, I have found a fabulous chiropractor and an internal medicine doctor. Both are listening to me. Both believe that just checking blood levels is not enough. Both want to help me feel better. Both believe that it is unacceptable for me to continue to survive when I want to THRIVE.
Soooo, long story short (I will share more as this process continues), my chiropractor told me about a hair analysis she uses to check mineral levels and how all of those work with each other. The hair can actually tell more of what is going on in your body over months versus blood that tells what is going on recently - our blood is constantly getting 'cleaned', whereas hair grows out and has data from weeks upon weeks.... I was actually happy with the results because it shows that all of my mineral levels are down! I know, that doesn't sound like happy news, but I was so glad to hear that I AM NOT LOSING MY MIND. There IS a reason I feel terrible so often! There IS a reason that I feel like I have hardly any energy! And on and on and so forth....
My doc said I was one of the most exhausted cases she's seen, and well as having the highest toxicity. (I'm so special, I told her.)
So here's the deal-i-o. I am currently doing a 21 day cleanse (I've been wanting to do one before, but didn't want to just do something I'd read on the internet because I was afraid I'd hurt myself!) that basically consists of eating only fruits and vegetables for 10 days (with some spices/seasonings) and then adding small amounts of lean meats for the remaining 11 days. Throughout the whole time I will take supplements. Today I am thinking about Dr. Pepper a lot!! Some of you know how I feel about this life juice we call Dr. Pepper. It is a huge love of mine. It tastes so good and bubbly and just has that .... Oi, I must stop talking about it. Then after that I will begin to rebuild my mineral levels with healthier eating, exercise, and supplements. After 90 days we will do another hair analysis to see how things are going. I have also changed what type of thyroid medicine I am on, and can tell a difference.
So far it's not going tooooo badly, but I am hungry. Plus I had caught a cold, so I can't really tell if I'm having any side effects what with an already yucky head and the usual body aches. I kind of feel like I'm trying to 'catch' an illness, but again..... the cold, etc..... I will admit that I've had a few woe-is-me times, especially yesterday. The first day. Not a great sign, but I'll hang in there. I am finally mentally ready to take the drastic-ish measures I have to in order to get healthy. I want to have more energy! I want to be able to plan things and not worry about how I may wake up feeling that day. I want to run around outside with my kids and not feel like my legs are gonna disintegrate 5 minutes (if that long) later. I want to keep my house clean and not sit on the couch looking at a mess because I can not physically make myself lift anything beyond my body. I want to be surprised at how great I feel one day and know that this hard work is worth it.
I am trying new things, and will be making my family try them, too. ha!! But they still get to eat other good things, too. I made some kale chips yesterday. Let me just say that all the people on Pinterest who said that those things are so tasty and they never want potato chips again are LIARS. Sorry, we shouldn't call people liars, I know. And everyone is entitled to their own opinion, but I'm hungry. Leave me alone. Those kale chips are toasted weeds. Yuck. I was a good girl and choked down several, but nope. I threw the rest away today after I had put them in a ziplock yesterday pretending that I would try again. No thanks. No bueno. Not gonna eat 'em.
I have pinned (Pinterest word) several yummy looking recipes for clean eating veggies. And I'm looking forward to finding new nutritious dishes to make. But they will probably taste even better next to a big juicy grilled ribeye....
with an ice cold Dr. Pepper.
and warm chocolate chip cookies.
Thursday, August 28, 2014
just another typical day
Wow. It's been a long time, blogspot. 2 years and 4 months to be a little more exact. a LOT has happened, which I'm glad to say, because if not a lot had happened in over 2 years, I'd be depressed, I think. I've had lots of thoughts over this time, thinking, I really need to blog on that, usually occurring at night. Alas, I never get to the computer. Guess I should start using one of the voice memos on my phone….
Anyhoo….. this morning has just been one of those mornings. Malcolm is out of town for a little over 24 hours, and I wake up 40 minutes later than I wanted to. I had reset my alarm on my phone last night, and somehow turned it off. Fab. Then as my son goes into the huge pantry area our rental has, he hollers out. I had put the dogs' cages in there because otherwise they keep me up. This girl needs her rest. One of the dogs had pooped in 3 different spots. Lovely. He was trying to be nice and not poop IN his cage, so the poo was spread through the wire caging. and it was the sicky smelling kind. That yours truly had to clean up. On hands and knees with clorox wipes. While gagging. Fun. (by the way, I just got up to let said dog back in and rammed my toe into the desk chair on the way back. Smooth.) Then I rushed the 4th grader to his school, realizing that the gas light was on. Called the 6th grader on the way home to tell her to put it in gear so we could leave a few minutes earlier for her school in order to get gas on the way. I get home and plug the steam mop in so I could quickly steam the clorox-wiped linoleum and get that added chore out of the way. (Who am I kidding? That chore needed done 2 days ago anyway…) The steam mop whirs and whirs, attempting to get hot enough to produce steam. Which it never did. Yes, I put water in; I checked twice and even added more. Still not working. Joy. So another swipe with clorox wipes and then also the Swiffer dust mop (did I mention I needed to do that anyway?) albeit AFTER I had had to take a break and take the 6th grader to school. The 6 month old fell asleep on the way back home, thanks to the oldest who helped her cover her face with a blankey. Back home now and still haven't eaten. I had a few thoughts while shredding cheese to eat a plate of nachos… Don't judge. Yes, I'm gonna eat nachos for brunch at 10 in the morning. It's homemade salsa and I heard many moons ago, Kemosabe, that salsa increases your metabolism. I'll be counting the calories, anyway. Let me live.
We've moved to a new place. (I shall not recount my whole last 2 ⅓ years…) There are so many emotions/thoughts/feelings that go along with a move. AND not to mention having had a bonus (but much wanted) baby almost 7 months ago. At age 37. Life has definitely changed. And it's exciting. Today marks the 4th day of school for the kids. As thrilled and thankful as I am that they are loving their new schools, it's hard for me to drop them off and realize that I do not really know one adult at the building. Every year of their schooling so far has either been at a school that I teach at or at a school where Malcolm & I volunteer and make it a point to learn who everyone is and form relationships. I know that that can be the case here, but it takes time. I'm still trying to get into some semblance of a routine, and it's totally different with an infant. I truly am happy, it's just still feeling like we're getting settled. Aaaaand that would be because we are….
Back to my thoughts that led me to sit down and type versus melt my cheese….
I was thinking in the midst of all the chaos that was this morning, when am I going to settle into some kind of routine and what will that look like? I haven't been able to have any quiet time, exercise time, or just reading time since school started like I thought I would. I had the thought, I would like a normal day here soon. Then it hit me. What if this IS normal for me? I mean, seriously. Do I ever really have a day where everything goes extremely smooth, I don't have to remind a child to brush teeth/get on shoes/make your bed (like that hardly ever gets done)/get your lunch….., some accident occurs from a body part of said children or baby or dog that I don't have to end up cleaning, dishes are magically clean and put away, there is no laundry to be done, tasty lunch and dinner appears on the stovetop or in the oven, nothing needs picked up at a store because I forgot it when I went there earlier, an appointment doesn't have to be attended because we are perfect, I have gotten devotions read, I've exercised and can tell I've lost 3 pounds in 30 minutes and am already tone-er, there is no dust or dirt anywhere to be wiped or swept, I am clean and smell delicious and my teeth are white and I have perfect hair and makeup without having done anything? (by the way, if the above describes your life, please do not tell me. I'm not even sure we could be friends.) THIS is my life. Happening RIGHT NOW. THIS is a typical day (especially when Malcolm is out of town)! And this typical day is a day made to rejoice that I have 3 beautiful, healthy, smart children who seem to love me even when I haven't showered or brushed my teeth yet. To rejoice that my husband is out making money on a totally God-dropped-in-our-laps side job to provide for our needs and lots of our wants. To rejoice that we found a nice house to rent that is comfortable (even though the spiders like it, too) and truly has enough space for all of people and dogs (although the spiders kind of crowd us). To rejoice that my pantry and fridge is full. To rejoice that I have the ability to smell, even though dog poo is disgusting. To rejoice that i have the money to fill my tank when it's empty. To rejoice that I have the ability to walk to let my dog in and the ability to feel when I stub my toe. To rejoice that I know how to make an awesome salsa to eat with my brunch nachos…..
THIS is my typical day. And I am embracing it. Maybe every once in awhile, though, I wouldn't mind having an absolutely crazy day….. :)
Anyhoo….. this morning has just been one of those mornings. Malcolm is out of town for a little over 24 hours, and I wake up 40 minutes later than I wanted to. I had reset my alarm on my phone last night, and somehow turned it off. Fab. Then as my son goes into the huge pantry area our rental has, he hollers out. I had put the dogs' cages in there because otherwise they keep me up. This girl needs her rest. One of the dogs had pooped in 3 different spots. Lovely. He was trying to be nice and not poop IN his cage, so the poo was spread through the wire caging. and it was the sicky smelling kind. That yours truly had to clean up. On hands and knees with clorox wipes. While gagging. Fun. (by the way, I just got up to let said dog back in and rammed my toe into the desk chair on the way back. Smooth.) Then I rushed the 4th grader to his school, realizing that the gas light was on. Called the 6th grader on the way home to tell her to put it in gear so we could leave a few minutes earlier for her school in order to get gas on the way. I get home and plug the steam mop in so I could quickly steam the clorox-wiped linoleum and get that added chore out of the way. (Who am I kidding? That chore needed done 2 days ago anyway…) The steam mop whirs and whirs, attempting to get hot enough to produce steam. Which it never did. Yes, I put water in; I checked twice and even added more. Still not working. Joy. So another swipe with clorox wipes and then also the Swiffer dust mop (did I mention I needed to do that anyway?) albeit AFTER I had had to take a break and take the 6th grader to school. The 6 month old fell asleep on the way back home, thanks to the oldest who helped her cover her face with a blankey. Back home now and still haven't eaten. I had a few thoughts while shredding cheese to eat a plate of nachos… Don't judge. Yes, I'm gonna eat nachos for brunch at 10 in the morning. It's homemade salsa and I heard many moons ago, Kemosabe, that salsa increases your metabolism. I'll be counting the calories, anyway. Let me live.
We've moved to a new place. (I shall not recount my whole last 2 ⅓ years…) There are so many emotions/thoughts/feelings that go along with a move. AND not to mention having had a bonus (but much wanted) baby almost 7 months ago. At age 37. Life has definitely changed. And it's exciting. Today marks the 4th day of school for the kids. As thrilled and thankful as I am that they are loving their new schools, it's hard for me to drop them off and realize that I do not really know one adult at the building. Every year of their schooling so far has either been at a school that I teach at or at a school where Malcolm & I volunteer and make it a point to learn who everyone is and form relationships. I know that that can be the case here, but it takes time. I'm still trying to get into some semblance of a routine, and it's totally different with an infant. I truly am happy, it's just still feeling like we're getting settled. Aaaaand that would be because we are….
Back to my thoughts that led me to sit down and type versus melt my cheese….
I was thinking in the midst of all the chaos that was this morning, when am I going to settle into some kind of routine and what will that look like? I haven't been able to have any quiet time, exercise time, or just reading time since school started like I thought I would. I had the thought, I would like a normal day here soon. Then it hit me. What if this IS normal for me? I mean, seriously. Do I ever really have a day where everything goes extremely smooth, I don't have to remind a child to brush teeth/get on shoes/make your bed (like that hardly ever gets done)/get your lunch….., some accident occurs from a body part of said children or baby or dog that I don't have to end up cleaning, dishes are magically clean and put away, there is no laundry to be done, tasty lunch and dinner appears on the stovetop or in the oven, nothing needs picked up at a store because I forgot it when I went there earlier, an appointment doesn't have to be attended because we are perfect, I have gotten devotions read, I've exercised and can tell I've lost 3 pounds in 30 minutes and am already tone-er, there is no dust or dirt anywhere to be wiped or swept, I am clean and smell delicious and my teeth are white and I have perfect hair and makeup without having done anything? (by the way, if the above describes your life, please do not tell me. I'm not even sure we could be friends.) THIS is my life. Happening RIGHT NOW. THIS is a typical day (especially when Malcolm is out of town)! And this typical day is a day made to rejoice that I have 3 beautiful, healthy, smart children who seem to love me even when I haven't showered or brushed my teeth yet. To rejoice that my husband is out making money on a totally God-dropped-in-our-laps side job to provide for our needs and lots of our wants. To rejoice that we found a nice house to rent that is comfortable (even though the spiders like it, too) and truly has enough space for all of people and dogs (although the spiders kind of crowd us). To rejoice that my pantry and fridge is full. To rejoice that I have the ability to smell, even though dog poo is disgusting. To rejoice that i have the money to fill my tank when it's empty. To rejoice that I have the ability to walk to let my dog in and the ability to feel when I stub my toe. To rejoice that I know how to make an awesome salsa to eat with my brunch nachos…..
THIS is my typical day. And I am embracing it. Maybe every once in awhile, though, I wouldn't mind having an absolutely crazy day….. :)
Friday, April 27, 2012
Call to Arms
Ever realize how much is communicated through 'arm language'? And, as an extension, 'hand language'? Malcolm & I were watching a movie recently where, as a couple pretending to be a 'couple' were walking through a party, the man gently placed his hand and forearm on the small of the lady's back. For me, this is a intimate gesture. He was guiding her, making of statement of 'she's with me', protecting her as they walked through the crowd. My initial thought was warm & fuzzy. I then recalled a different movie seen years ago where the same image was portrayed, but we learn that the man in that story was extremely controlling, possessive, abusive. Same gesture, different emotions. Both powerful for the women on the receiving end.
a hand raised to give a high five versus a hand raised to slap a face
arms outstretched in praise versus arms outstretched in exasperation
hands covering a face of happy surprise versus hands covering a face full of grief
a caress versus a punch
Many more can be named. Many images come to mind. All personal, as past experience plays across our minds & dictate our initial emotional response. What kind of power have arms displayed to you? What kind of power have your arms displayed?
Just as the words we speak convey different meanings depending on our tone of voice, so actions of arms have multiple meanings. I must think about what I'm wanting to 'say' through my arm/hand movements. What kind of power do I want to display? What kind of emotion do I want to evoke to the receiver?
May the words of my mouth, the meditations of my heart, AND THE MOVEMENT OF MY ARMS, be pleasing to my Rock and my Redeemer. May they encourage and not belittle. May they guide and not control. May they include and not possess. May they protect and not abuse. Same gestures, different emotions. Both powerful for the ones on the receiving end.
a hand raised to give a high five versus a hand raised to slap a face
arms outstretched in praise versus arms outstretched in exasperation
hands covering a face of happy surprise versus hands covering a face full of grief
a caress versus a punch
Many more can be named. Many images come to mind. All personal, as past experience plays across our minds & dictate our initial emotional response. What kind of power have arms displayed to you? What kind of power have your arms displayed?
Just as the words we speak convey different meanings depending on our tone of voice, so actions of arms have multiple meanings. I must think about what I'm wanting to 'say' through my arm/hand movements. What kind of power do I want to display? What kind of emotion do I want to evoke to the receiver?
May the words of my mouth, the meditations of my heart, AND THE MOVEMENT OF MY ARMS, be pleasing to my Rock and my Redeemer. May they encourage and not belittle. May they guide and not control. May they include and not possess. May they protect and not abuse. Same gestures, different emotions. Both powerful for the ones on the receiving end.
Monday, March 19, 2012
stubborn toe
On the first Saturday of my Christmas Break in December, I quickly got up to look at something Malcolm wanted me to see. I had something in my hand, and in my haste to answer my husband's call (ha ha), I ran into our big ottoman, wrapping my right pinky toe around the corner of it. I am happy and proud to report that I actually didn't cuss, but I did cry out and shed a few tears. I really wanted to cuss AND puke...
Now, I've stubbed toes before. They hurt, and then in a day or two you don't notice it anymore. This, however, was a doozie of a hit. A friend told me I must have torn the ligament, because we could tell it wasn't broken. I ended up having to wrap it to the other toes and only wear flip flops for several days (glad I live in Texas...). This stinkin' injury hurt for weeks!!! I can still actually feel it when I'm all the way up on my toes, especially after a day of walking around. There were several pairs of shoes that I couldn't wear until February. It still is a little uncomfortable to stretch my toes all the way out on that foot. This crazy injury just keeps hanging around, rearing it's ugly little self just when I think I've healed completely. Yesterday, I was noticing it yet again while stretching up for something, and that's when it hit me, right across the noggin.... A truth about my own life....
You see, for the past few weeks I've been struggling with (well, really internally - & a little externally - whining about) how undisciplined I am. Now, I haven't admitted that I'm undisciplined until very recently (and through many prideful tears). I've been complaining or feeling bad about my weight & lack of exercise I want to do, my health, my lack of personal prayer time, not seeing certain people like I'd like to, not blah blah blah, not not not, yada yada yada. (I don't want to make you sick...) Only the past few days have I bucked up and admitted it's all tied to discipline. I want to lose 10 pounds? Eat smaller portions & take in more fruit. Get my butt off the couch and take a walk, do Pilates, get that P90 DVD back out. I long for focused, still prayer time? Find a time and make everyone leave you alone. I need to make time to see or speak to certain people? Pick up the blasted phone, get over your phone phobia, and talk! I feel like I need a little of this therapy that Bob Newhart's character gives in this video... (but... I'm not giving anyone permission to say this to me **cough Malcolm cough**)
http://youtu.be/BYLMTvxOaeE
But instead of "STOP IT!!!", I need to tell myself, "START IT!! GET BACK ON IT!! GET WITH IT!!"
I keep thinking, when school's done, I'll..... WHY?? Why am I waiting until then? There are 51 days of school left (not that I'm counting...). I don't want to wait. I want these things NOW.
I very much disliked having to wear only certain types of shoes while my toe hurt for any pressure to be on it. But I had to take care of it and do what I needed to do in order for it to heal. The truth is: I may stub that same toe again. Next time I may even break it. You think I'd learn to be careful and pay attention to where I am placing my foot, wouldn't you? But.... life happens. There are cycles, ups and downs, successes and failures. Sometimes things even jump right in front of you when you are being your upmost careful. I have to suck it up and realize that the same it true for 'issues' that I want to be better in/at. Every now and again, we have to take a moment (or most times in my case several days, weeks, or months) to refocus, reprioritize, rethink, and do what it takes to heal something that has been stretched, torn, or even broken.
God help me.
I'm so thankful He will.
Now, I've stubbed toes before. They hurt, and then in a day or two you don't notice it anymore. This, however, was a doozie of a hit. A friend told me I must have torn the ligament, because we could tell it wasn't broken. I ended up having to wrap it to the other toes and only wear flip flops for several days (glad I live in Texas...). This stinkin' injury hurt for weeks!!! I can still actually feel it when I'm all the way up on my toes, especially after a day of walking around. There were several pairs of shoes that I couldn't wear until February. It still is a little uncomfortable to stretch my toes all the way out on that foot. This crazy injury just keeps hanging around, rearing it's ugly little self just when I think I've healed completely. Yesterday, I was noticing it yet again while stretching up for something, and that's when it hit me, right across the noggin.... A truth about my own life....
You see, for the past few weeks I've been struggling with (well, really internally - & a little externally - whining about) how undisciplined I am. Now, I haven't admitted that I'm undisciplined until very recently (and through many prideful tears). I've been complaining or feeling bad about my weight & lack of exercise I want to do, my health, my lack of personal prayer time, not seeing certain people like I'd like to, not blah blah blah, not not not, yada yada yada. (I don't want to make you sick...) Only the past few days have I bucked up and admitted it's all tied to discipline. I want to lose 10 pounds? Eat smaller portions & take in more fruit. Get my butt off the couch and take a walk, do Pilates, get that P90 DVD back out. I long for focused, still prayer time? Find a time and make everyone leave you alone. I need to make time to see or speak to certain people? Pick up the blasted phone, get over your phone phobia, and talk! I feel like I need a little of this therapy that Bob Newhart's character gives in this video... (but... I'm not giving anyone permission to say this to me **cough Malcolm cough**)
http://youtu.be/BYLMTvxOaeE
But instead of "STOP IT!!!", I need to tell myself, "START IT!! GET BACK ON IT!! GET WITH IT!!"
I keep thinking, when school's done, I'll..... WHY?? Why am I waiting until then? There are 51 days of school left (not that I'm counting...). I don't want to wait. I want these things NOW.
I very much disliked having to wear only certain types of shoes while my toe hurt for any pressure to be on it. But I had to take care of it and do what I needed to do in order for it to heal. The truth is: I may stub that same toe again. Next time I may even break it. You think I'd learn to be careful and pay attention to where I am placing my foot, wouldn't you? But.... life happens. There are cycles, ups and downs, successes and failures. Sometimes things even jump right in front of you when you are being your upmost careful. I have to suck it up and realize that the same it true for 'issues' that I want to be better in/at. Every now and again, we have to take a moment (or most times in my case several days, weeks, or months) to refocus, reprioritize, rethink, and do what it takes to heal something that has been stretched, torn, or even broken.
God help me.
I'm so thankful He will.
Tuesday, January 17, 2012
End of the year, a few weeks late...
Well, here it is, January 17th, and I realize that I set a word goal last year and didn't talk about how it went at the end of 2011. (Can you believe it's really 2012?? I told Malcolm the other day that it still seems like the milennium should be a new thing, and yet it's 12 years in...)
So a year ago, I picked a word for the year: listen. Wow! I knew that that was going to 'take me places', but I didn't know it would include a trip to the other side of the globe!! I have definitely learned quite a bit about myself through that one word. Here are 2 that stick out to me as I'm thinking about this past year today:
1. When I listen to myself, deep down, I don't always like what I hear. It's so easy for me to be negative. The funny thing about that, is that most people that know me 'casually', don't really know that about me. (at least, I don't think they do...) I can think REALLY negative thoughts. I can get down very easily. I just don't always show it. I hide it, as much as my face and body language will allow. Once my face or body is speaking it, I'm already pretty far down. Only those that know me well or are just perceptive people can tell when I'm thinking negatively. I hear myself think a lot of "what ifs" and "I doubts" and "I don't wannas" and "this doesn't matters" and it goes on and down from there. So did I do anything about this?? Why yes, I did. I read The Battlefield of the Mind by Joyce Meyer. It had some really good, slap-in-the-face, wake-up stuff for me. I also believe this will be a life-long struggle for me, and I know that there are some key things I have to do to stay on top of negative thoughts - read my Bible and other books that deal with the subject; protect myself with personal boundaries from negativity; keep Philippians 4:8 in my heart, thinking on things that are pure, right, true, noble, praiseworthy, and excellent.
2. When I stop to listen before I speak, I keep myself from being a butt. That's the only way I can think to put it right now. And I have in no way perfected this. This is dealing in all of my relationships, from my husband and kids to my students and coworkers. I can keep myself out of a lot of trouble when I just think before I speak. I try to listen to words, tone of voice, body language... I've seen and felt a much greater insight especially with my children. When I focus on really listening to what they're trying to tell me, even in the midst of a tantrum, I feel like a better parent who is the discipler and guide that I'm created to be. I feel closer to them as well. I'm taking the time and effort to listen and observe others who I respect. If I see something in a person that I would like to emulate, I've taken the time to not just watch but listen.
There are many other things I've learned and am still gaining insight about myself. I'm so thankful that the word 'listen' became my word for last year, and that it didn't end on December 31st. This will be a life goal of constantly and continually becoming a better listener.
So a year ago, I picked a word for the year: listen. Wow! I knew that that was going to 'take me places', but I didn't know it would include a trip to the other side of the globe!! I have definitely learned quite a bit about myself through that one word. Here are 2 that stick out to me as I'm thinking about this past year today:
1. When I listen to myself, deep down, I don't always like what I hear. It's so easy for me to be negative. The funny thing about that, is that most people that know me 'casually', don't really know that about me. (at least, I don't think they do...) I can think REALLY negative thoughts. I can get down very easily. I just don't always show it. I hide it, as much as my face and body language will allow. Once my face or body is speaking it, I'm already pretty far down. Only those that know me well or are just perceptive people can tell when I'm thinking negatively. I hear myself think a lot of "what ifs" and "I doubts" and "I don't wannas" and "this doesn't matters" and it goes on and down from there. So did I do anything about this?? Why yes, I did. I read The Battlefield of the Mind by Joyce Meyer. It had some really good, slap-in-the-face, wake-up stuff for me. I also believe this will be a life-long struggle for me, and I know that there are some key things I have to do to stay on top of negative thoughts - read my Bible and other books that deal with the subject; protect myself with personal boundaries from negativity; keep Philippians 4:8 in my heart, thinking on things that are pure, right, true, noble, praiseworthy, and excellent.
2. When I stop to listen before I speak, I keep myself from being a butt. That's the only way I can think to put it right now. And I have in no way perfected this. This is dealing in all of my relationships, from my husband and kids to my students and coworkers. I can keep myself out of a lot of trouble when I just think before I speak. I try to listen to words, tone of voice, body language... I've seen and felt a much greater insight especially with my children. When I focus on really listening to what they're trying to tell me, even in the midst of a tantrum, I feel like a better parent who is the discipler and guide that I'm created to be. I feel closer to them as well. I'm taking the time and effort to listen and observe others who I respect. If I see something in a person that I would like to emulate, I've taken the time to not just watch but listen.
There are many other things I've learned and am still gaining insight about myself. I'm so thankful that the word 'listen' became my word for last year, and that it didn't end on December 31st. This will be a life goal of constantly and continually becoming a better listener.
Sunday, October 2, 2011
My trip, post 1
I can't believe that I've been back home almost 6 weeks and have yet to blog about it. When I got back home, I kinda hit the ground running - I got home about 10:30 at night, and the very next morning had to be back at work (I'd already missed 6 days of inservice). That following Monday, school started! I had Labor Day off, though! ha!
Just so you know, if you're reading this, I'm not going to talk about WHERE I've been in order to protect the innocent. I'll figure out how to post some pictures, though. There will be some that I can't post simply for the protection of those in the pictures.
My trip was an incredible experience. I'm still processing through it all. I've told several people that I'm not sure I went for any OUTward reason because God did so much INside of me. The trip began rather badly -- a week before I left, we had been in Austin. On the way home, we were rear-ended while getting through San Angelo (about 2 1/2 hours away from home). We were at a stop light; the guy in front of us let off his brake but wasn't getting going very fast; Malcolm took his foot off the brake, and then all of a sudden a big Dodge truck hit us from behind. We happened to be in our little old Altima because the Explorer was at home with a transmission problem we had yet to get fixed. We didn't think the wreck was all that bad at first. I do remember my vision seeming to 'shake' a little while I was sitting in the car (while we were waiting for the police), but I just kind of figured it was adrenaline. As we were on the way home again I began to feel pretty icky - the next day was worse. My chiropractor's office was closed (Friday afternoon) so I had Malcolm take me to a clinic. The doctor there prescribed me some muscle relaxers and a 6-day pack of steroids to attempt to heal up the muscles before I left the country. We got the steroid pack on Monday, and by Wednesday afternoon I knew that I was having a severe reaction to them. It was horrible. I still hurt from my neck down, and then I couldn't sleep, would have chills, and felt very anxious. I kept chalking it up to the huge trip I was about to take, but I finally called the clinic and the doc told me to stop the steroids immediately. Thursday I got in to see another chiropractor - he helped, but was just a little rougher than my regular doc. I came home and began to have such severe chills, we ended up calling the after hours service and talked to my regular chiropractor. He offered to meet me at the office if needed, but we never did do that. Let's just say I didn't rest well that night. Friday morning I left for KC. I was met by great friends and was able to walk around with them and enjoy their company, but was in a lot of pain and in a little bit of a fog. I just kept trying to 'keep on keeping on'. Trying the whole 'mind over matter' thing. Way early Saturday morning we headed to the airport for our long flights. Our original 1 flight to Newark was cancelled and we had to split up the group and fly 2 flights to get there before heading on the very long one around the globe. I happened to have a window seat on all 3 flights, which did not work in my favor. I felt more and more claustrophobic, and just began to feel worse and worse. I couldn't seem to drink enough water. But, I just kept thinking, I can do this, I can do this. When we got on the huge plane for the longest leg of our journey, I was excited at first, and then began to physically plummet. When I would finally get so uncomfortable that I would climb over the guys in my row to go to the bathroom, I oddly felt better in the bathroom in the light. Knowing I was going to have to get back in my seat almost made me want to cry! After trying to get my mind off of me through 2 movies and some reading, singing to myself (quietly, thank you), listening to music, I knew that I could no longer deny that I needed help. I was getting rather dizzy; I was in pretty extreme pain in my neck and lower back and had taken probably more Ibuprofen then I should; felt like I couldn't eat or drink anything else without throwing it up. I had been traveling the whole day with two other ladies - one that I had met before and knew slightly, one that I had met just that morning - so I decided to get up once more and go ask them if they would pray with me. I thought I was at my lowest point.... little did I know it was about to get worse. Apparently, I needed more humbling.
I got over to where my team was (I had not been seated near them..) and kinda knelt down beside them and asked them to pray for me. Somehow with some conversation, they ended up leading me to an aisle behind a group of chairs where people could stretch their legs. I laid down flat on my back, except that I couldn't lay both legs straight at the same time - it just hurt my lower back too much. Thankfully, I had 'just happened' to grab a kitchen wash rag from my house right as we were leaving for the airport Friday morning in case I needed to get it wet to keep my nausea down. That thing became a life saver. We got that thing nice and cool, but I still just continued to feel worse and worse. I finally told my friends that I just didn't think I could get back up. This is when I finally started to cry some. I asked for water and one lady went to ask for some. The next thing I heard was the intercom coming on and the stewardess ask if there was a doctor or nurse on board for them to hit their help button. Part of me was horrified to cause that trouble, the other part was relieved. I had to admit that this was more than I could take care of by myself. Lots of stuff happened after that - let me just recap it for you: a Chinese doctor was on board (we still weren't sure by the end if the good doctor was a he or she, and I really don't care- ha) who came and was of great help. My blood pressure was 90/44, I was very dehydrated, and was told to not take any more Ibuprofen for awhile. I had to have an oxygen mask on for awhile (I almost freaked out when they first put it on me, but told my claustrophobic self to calm down and then REALLY enjoyed it - I'd like one for Christmas...). They ended up finding a place for me to lay down. The good doctor had me take 2 Aleve, they gave me a huge bottle of water, and I slept for most of the rest of the flight, getting up a few times for the bathroom. It was quite the affair. I had to totally rely on people I didn't know and who didn't know me. This was extremely difficult for me. I didn't realize how independent and proud I had become! I kept trying to not be embarrassed. At one point (try to picture this), I had the red wet rag around my neck, the oxygen mask on my face (you know, the yellow cup thing that would fall from above in case of a drop in air pressure), with my arm over the shoulder of a steward (his name was Andy; I at least got his name...), and a stewardess following closely behind with a hand on my back (I didn't get her name, oops), being led through chairs and aisles to the place for me to lay down. My pride was definitely humbled. No telling what my hair looked like. I know my make-up was gone. :) Continental airlines has a report of sorts filed on this whole event. They even called into their headquarters in Arizona to consult an airline doctor. Did you know there was such a person? When we landed at our destination, they called for a wheelchair that took so long to come, I ended up walking (more like shuffling, ha!) quite a ways before the chair came to me. One team member was allowed to walk with me while someone from the airport pushed me around. It was kind of nice, because we got through customs very quickly. :) As we went through the airport, I began to have the terrible chills again. So picture me again - I was in a wheelchair going rather fast through the airport late at night with my trusty wet rag around my neck, with my soft green blanky wrapped around me and the bag that was on my lap. To top it all off, while we were waiting for the rest of the team at baggage claim, my well-meaning friend gave me another Aleve to take (the wheelchair ride was a tad bumpy and very uncomfortable). Right after I swallowed it down, I knew it wasn't going all the way. I said, "I'm gonna throw up!" and looked to the restroom lots of feet away. My friend 'just happened' to have put a vomit bag in her bag and she fished it out just in time. That was again humiliating. I thought it was bad enough being wheeled through the airport; now I was vomiting at baggage claim. And, to make it worse, because it was mostly water, it began to seep out of the baggie through my friend's fingers. Niiiiiiiice. The wheelchair pusher produced another baggie that I then filled. Loooovelyyyyy. I had the thought, okay, how much lower am I gonna get.... Somehow I made it through the city and into the hotel and up to my room and into bed. I honestly don't remember all of it. I know we rode a tram and then a taxi. I remember sitting in the lobby and praying and discussing the next day. I remember getting into the room and somehow getting ready for bed. I remember waking up in the middle of the night to the sound of someone out in the hallway screaming for help and hitting the wall or door or something. (Welcome to the city!!) By the way, nothing like that guy screaming happened again....
All I have to say is that the few stewards that 'dealt' with me did a great job. The good doctor was extremely caring. My friends made me feel loved and cared for. It was definitely one of the hardest things I've been through. So many thoughts went through my head, and I missed my family terribly. I really wasn't sure what was going to happen in the hours to come, and I began to seriously wonder why I had come on this trip. I had to eat a lot of humble pie and let people care for me and do things for me that I would normally do for myself.
The only thing that kept me going through most of that 24 hour journey was the prayers and songs I kept singing in my head. Two songs that seemed to stick out the most were "Our God is Greater" ("our God is Healer, awesome in power") and "My All in All" ("You are my strength when I am weak"). I begged God for healing, knowing that if He saw fit, He could touch my body and instantly heal me. I'll discuss some of this part of the journey in a later post.....
A few things I learned that day:
I believe there are no such things as 'just happened to' or coincidences.
I probably shouldn't take steroids EVER AGAIN.
I was on a team that lived out being the hands and feet of Christ.
I probably shouldn't take gel caplet pain pills.
I'll remember that when my urine is cloudy, that means I'm getting dehydrated (I can't believe I didn't remember this - I only tell my campers to look for that every year...).
I really like pure oxygen.
I should always take a wash rag with me on trips.
I don't need to get a window seat on airplanes anymore.
Wheelchair rides aren't always that comfortable - push with care.
It's okay to ask for help, and do it before it's too serious of a problem.
By the way, in case you were wondering, I did end up throwing the wash rag away before I left for home. :) It's time had come to an end. RIP, wash rag. Thanks for all of your help.
Just so you know, if you're reading this, I'm not going to talk about WHERE I've been in order to protect the innocent. I'll figure out how to post some pictures, though. There will be some that I can't post simply for the protection of those in the pictures.
My trip was an incredible experience. I'm still processing through it all. I've told several people that I'm not sure I went for any OUTward reason because God did so much INside of me. The trip began rather badly -- a week before I left, we had been in Austin. On the way home, we were rear-ended while getting through San Angelo (about 2 1/2 hours away from home). We were at a stop light; the guy in front of us let off his brake but wasn't getting going very fast; Malcolm took his foot off the brake, and then all of a sudden a big Dodge truck hit us from behind. We happened to be in our little old Altima because the Explorer was at home with a transmission problem we had yet to get fixed. We didn't think the wreck was all that bad at first. I do remember my vision seeming to 'shake' a little while I was sitting in the car (while we were waiting for the police), but I just kind of figured it was adrenaline. As we were on the way home again I began to feel pretty icky - the next day was worse. My chiropractor's office was closed (Friday afternoon) so I had Malcolm take me to a clinic. The doctor there prescribed me some muscle relaxers and a 6-day pack of steroids to attempt to heal up the muscles before I left the country. We got the steroid pack on Monday, and by Wednesday afternoon I knew that I was having a severe reaction to them. It was horrible. I still hurt from my neck down, and then I couldn't sleep, would have chills, and felt very anxious. I kept chalking it up to the huge trip I was about to take, but I finally called the clinic and the doc told me to stop the steroids immediately. Thursday I got in to see another chiropractor - he helped, but was just a little rougher than my regular doc. I came home and began to have such severe chills, we ended up calling the after hours service and talked to my regular chiropractor. He offered to meet me at the office if needed, but we never did do that. Let's just say I didn't rest well that night. Friday morning I left for KC. I was met by great friends and was able to walk around with them and enjoy their company, but was in a lot of pain and in a little bit of a fog. I just kept trying to 'keep on keeping on'. Trying the whole 'mind over matter' thing. Way early Saturday morning we headed to the airport for our long flights. Our original 1 flight to Newark was cancelled and we had to split up the group and fly 2 flights to get there before heading on the very long one around the globe. I happened to have a window seat on all 3 flights, which did not work in my favor. I felt more and more claustrophobic, and just began to feel worse and worse. I couldn't seem to drink enough water. But, I just kept thinking, I can do this, I can do this. When we got on the huge plane for the longest leg of our journey, I was excited at first, and then began to physically plummet. When I would finally get so uncomfortable that I would climb over the guys in my row to go to the bathroom, I oddly felt better in the bathroom in the light. Knowing I was going to have to get back in my seat almost made me want to cry! After trying to get my mind off of me through 2 movies and some reading, singing to myself (quietly, thank you), listening to music, I knew that I could no longer deny that I needed help. I was getting rather dizzy; I was in pretty extreme pain in my neck and lower back and had taken probably more Ibuprofen then I should; felt like I couldn't eat or drink anything else without throwing it up. I had been traveling the whole day with two other ladies - one that I had met before and knew slightly, one that I had met just that morning - so I decided to get up once more and go ask them if they would pray with me. I thought I was at my lowest point.... little did I know it was about to get worse. Apparently, I needed more humbling.
I got over to where my team was (I had not been seated near them..) and kinda knelt down beside them and asked them to pray for me. Somehow with some conversation, they ended up leading me to an aisle behind a group of chairs where people could stretch their legs. I laid down flat on my back, except that I couldn't lay both legs straight at the same time - it just hurt my lower back too much. Thankfully, I had 'just happened' to grab a kitchen wash rag from my house right as we were leaving for the airport Friday morning in case I needed to get it wet to keep my nausea down. That thing became a life saver. We got that thing nice and cool, but I still just continued to feel worse and worse. I finally told my friends that I just didn't think I could get back up. This is when I finally started to cry some. I asked for water and one lady went to ask for some. The next thing I heard was the intercom coming on and the stewardess ask if there was a doctor or nurse on board for them to hit their help button. Part of me was horrified to cause that trouble, the other part was relieved. I had to admit that this was more than I could take care of by myself. Lots of stuff happened after that - let me just recap it for you: a Chinese doctor was on board (we still weren't sure by the end if the good doctor was a he or she, and I really don't care- ha) who came and was of great help. My blood pressure was 90/44, I was very dehydrated, and was told to not take any more Ibuprofen for awhile. I had to have an oxygen mask on for awhile (I almost freaked out when they first put it on me, but told my claustrophobic self to calm down and then REALLY enjoyed it - I'd like one for Christmas...). They ended up finding a place for me to lay down. The good doctor had me take 2 Aleve, they gave me a huge bottle of water, and I slept for most of the rest of the flight, getting up a few times for the bathroom. It was quite the affair. I had to totally rely on people I didn't know and who didn't know me. This was extremely difficult for me. I didn't realize how independent and proud I had become! I kept trying to not be embarrassed. At one point (try to picture this), I had the red wet rag around my neck, the oxygen mask on my face (you know, the yellow cup thing that would fall from above in case of a drop in air pressure), with my arm over the shoulder of a steward (his name was Andy; I at least got his name...), and a stewardess following closely behind with a hand on my back (I didn't get her name, oops), being led through chairs and aisles to the place for me to lay down. My pride was definitely humbled. No telling what my hair looked like. I know my make-up was gone. :) Continental airlines has a report of sorts filed on this whole event. They even called into their headquarters in Arizona to consult an airline doctor. Did you know there was such a person? When we landed at our destination, they called for a wheelchair that took so long to come, I ended up walking (more like shuffling, ha!) quite a ways before the chair came to me. One team member was allowed to walk with me while someone from the airport pushed me around. It was kind of nice, because we got through customs very quickly. :) As we went through the airport, I began to have the terrible chills again. So picture me again - I was in a wheelchair going rather fast through the airport late at night with my trusty wet rag around my neck, with my soft green blanky wrapped around me and the bag that was on my lap. To top it all off, while we were waiting for the rest of the team at baggage claim, my well-meaning friend gave me another Aleve to take (the wheelchair ride was a tad bumpy and very uncomfortable). Right after I swallowed it down, I knew it wasn't going all the way. I said, "I'm gonna throw up!" and looked to the restroom lots of feet away. My friend 'just happened' to have put a vomit bag in her bag and she fished it out just in time. That was again humiliating. I thought it was bad enough being wheeled through the airport; now I was vomiting at baggage claim. And, to make it worse, because it was mostly water, it began to seep out of the baggie through my friend's fingers. Niiiiiiiice. The wheelchair pusher produced another baggie that I then filled. Loooovelyyyyy. I had the thought, okay, how much lower am I gonna get.... Somehow I made it through the city and into the hotel and up to my room and into bed. I honestly don't remember all of it. I know we rode a tram and then a taxi. I remember sitting in the lobby and praying and discussing the next day. I remember getting into the room and somehow getting ready for bed. I remember waking up in the middle of the night to the sound of someone out in the hallway screaming for help and hitting the wall or door or something. (Welcome to the city!!) By the way, nothing like that guy screaming happened again....
All I have to say is that the few stewards that 'dealt' with me did a great job. The good doctor was extremely caring. My friends made me feel loved and cared for. It was definitely one of the hardest things I've been through. So many thoughts went through my head, and I missed my family terribly. I really wasn't sure what was going to happen in the hours to come, and I began to seriously wonder why I had come on this trip. I had to eat a lot of humble pie and let people care for me and do things for me that I would normally do for myself.
The only thing that kept me going through most of that 24 hour journey was the prayers and songs I kept singing in my head. Two songs that seemed to stick out the most were "Our God is Greater" ("our God is Healer, awesome in power") and "My All in All" ("You are my strength when I am weak"). I begged God for healing, knowing that if He saw fit, He could touch my body and instantly heal me. I'll discuss some of this part of the journey in a later post.....
A few things I learned that day:
I believe there are no such things as 'just happened to' or coincidences.
I probably shouldn't take steroids EVER AGAIN.
I was on a team that lived out being the hands and feet of Christ.
I probably shouldn't take gel caplet pain pills.
I'll remember that when my urine is cloudy, that means I'm getting dehydrated (I can't believe I didn't remember this - I only tell my campers to look for that every year...).
I really like pure oxygen.
I should always take a wash rag with me on trips.
I don't need to get a window seat on airplanes anymore.
Wheelchair rides aren't always that comfortable - push with care.
It's okay to ask for help, and do it before it's too serious of a problem.
By the way, in case you were wondering, I did end up throwing the wash rag away before I left for home. :) It's time had come to an end. RIP, wash rag. Thanks for all of your help.
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